Annica Abounds

2009-10-20T20:22:00.003-04:00

Have you ever seriously considered suicide?
Not in a I'm gonna kill myself if such and such happens or doesn't happen, but in a real concrete way.
Have you just not wanted to exist anymore, just to disappear as if you never existed at all.
Have you gone to bed hoping against hope that you would NOT wake up in the morning?
Have you awakened and felt the soul crushing disappointment of still being alive?
Of having to face another day in the torture and hell which has become your life?
Have you weighed the pros and the cons and found that the the cons far out weighed the pros?
Have you struggled sobbing as your soul fractured to pieces with how much easier everyone's life would be without you?
Have you ever hidden your feelings behind a smile pasted on-shaky-but one no one thinks to question?
Have you thought about how you would do it?
Who would find you?
How you could make even that easier on those who life you disappear from?
In the middle of the night when you can not bear to face another day-the mere thought of it more than you can stand-have you held the pills in your hand?
All of those the pills that were supposed to make you better-strangely calm and rational now that you had made a decision?

2009-02-17T18:21:00.004-05:00

Dating Derf......
Yes, it is true, I never use real names on here, but in this case, I could not resist-the blog is blocked to the public anyway.
I met a guy named Derf on POF. We had a lot of common interests in tv shows, movies, etc. I enjoyed chatting with him, texting him and even talking on the phone. So we meet in person-what can I say-he looks exactly like you would expect a Derf to look. He wore ill fitting sloppy clothes, he had coke bottle glasses that were-Sally Jessy Raphael red-yes a man in red glasses. He was not very attractive, but he really could have done A LOT to maximize his potential-he clearly did not care. I do not think I have ever met anyone on a first meeting who clearly did not care at all about what they wore or the image they presented. He was nice and normally I really do not care about that kind of stuff-but it was really bad. He liked me alot but I really was not attracted to him. I gave it 3 dates to see if it would develop-because we had so many common interests-but alas no.
We are friends on facebook and he posts these like public notes about the knowledge he has gained dating. The funny part he makes himself out to be this cool guy who has learned so much from dating. The truth is his posts come across as bitter and angry-he mostly refers to woman wanting him as a friend so they have something to do if the person they want to date does not call them, or using him for money or whatever. Clearly he has had a bad experience-haven't we all?-but he portrays woman as users and to be honest I found it quite offensive. I told him so during our 3 short dates, but shortly after we stopped dating he posts this public service announcement about datinga nd nice guys finishing last. I really thought he might appreciate an honest reason he arrived in the dreaded friend zone-but alas it was not to be.
This is his post:

Being the sappy Mr. Nice guy is the wrong path..heh...

Saturday, February 7, 2009 at 11:38pm

Mating Rituals III - For The Guys
So, love is a game. What's new?

And please, please don't give me that "It's not a game! You just have to be yourself" bullshit. Because there are plenty of nice guys at home alone right now because they don't know how to play the game. It's sad, really.
***The same is true for nice girls and in his case he is not sitting at home because he is so nice. The reasons he is at home is in my post to him to follow this.

I have learned the game. The hard way. Trial by fire and what not. And hoo-boy, was there a lot of fire. But I'm afraid that my past experiences, coupled with my thorough understanding of the system...have lead me to despite it to its very core. Really. I think its silly and stupid. This attitude will keep me single, but I can't seem to care.
***Background-this is a 32 yr old highly educated (2 masters degrees in math and computer science), who teaches and my personal fave-lives at home with his mother, his cell phone is even in her name-loser!

However, instead of let all this wonderful knowledge go to waste, I have decided to pass it on. Because I know what a lot of you guys are going through. And I'd like to save you from it, if I can. It's hell, that I wish upon no man. Plus, it would be a shame to let all this stuff just go to waste. So now, I present to you, lonely guys across the world, a simple look into the intracies of the dating game.
***Now, admittedly he can not manage to keep a woman but his knowledge is going to help who?

Think of it as a spectrum...

"Nice Guy"|----------------------------------|Middle Ground|----------------------------------|"Jerk"

The ends of the spectrum are the extreme. On one end, you have the nice guy. Sweet, charming, loveable...but highly dependent, lacks self-confidence, highly insecure, etc. Basically, whipped. On the other end, you have the jerk...rude, selfish, outspoken, but also confident, secure, and very independent. It is those last three qualities (confidence, self-security, independence) that women are most attracted to.
***Says a single man. I would never think of nice guys as "highly dependent, lacking self-confidence & highly insecure"-clearly he is speaking of himself. It has been my experience that the rude, selfish jerk is usually just as insecure if not more so.

It's important to note how women react to the spectrum. Women are emotionally attracted to the nice guys. These are the guys who they'll come to for emotional support - they'll be open and honest with them, and even expose their secrets and what not. But women are physically attracted to the other end - the extreme right, the jerk end. It's not that they like jerks specifically, just the qualities they possess by nature (strength, security, independence...).
***Really? Because he has been a woman for how long? What physical characteristics do jerks have that women would be attracted to? Jerks, like everyone else come in all shapes, sizes, colors and levels of attractiveness.

So what do women want? Ideally, they want a guy who falls in the middle ground - is nice, sweet, caring, but also is confident, independent, etc. When women say "Nice guys are hard to find", they are talking about the middle ground guys, who admittedly are a bit rarer than your average nice guy/jerk.
***Again, his vast knowledge of women gained how? If he knew what women wanted he would give it to them not be a lonely dependent, emotionally immature lonely guy.

Oftentimes, if they can't find that middle ground guy, they'll work on averages...get their physical needs from the extreme right, their emotional from the extreme left, and that will give her a middle ground of sorts. Or, women will start from the extreme right, the jerk end, and then try to bring the guy down to middle ground by "changing" him. They start on that end because that is what is attractive to them.
***This is what pissed me off. So basically women are whores-what an asshole!

How do I get to middle ground?

Middle ground all depends on you. If you're one of those guys who is chronically lonely, and you think having a girlfriend will make you happy, guess what? You're an "extreme left" nice guy. You are emotional support only. The funny thing about this system is that if you truly and honestly don't care about having a girlfriend, then you will be in a good position to get one. Its like a catch-22. You have to be happy with yourself above all else - you absolutely positively cannot rely or depend on someone else to bring you happiness. Once you have the self-security, the confidence will follow, and you will be the type of person you need to be, relationship be damned.
***I can feel his frustration in this paragraph. Clearly he is not where he wants to be emotionally. However, I think you can be completely self-reliant without the not giving a shit about a relationship. It is important to be know yourself and be comfortable with and by yourself, but it is equally important to realize what you have to offer to a relationship and what you can get out of it. Not giving a damn is not a good place to start.

You just need to realize that the only person that can truly make you happy...is you.
***Not quite the case-the only place you can find true happiness is within yourself. If you can not find it within you will never find it without.

Personally, I have faith in nobody...people are unreliable and overrated.
***Bitter much?
That probably puts me closer to the extreme right. But, a lot more women notice me now than when I was extreme left.
***Notice how?

I don't even need or want them!
***LOL, you wish!
Back to the catch-22.

I think I'm a middle ground kind of guy. But I still fall in the Friend Zone™. Why?
***Clearly this is the real reason for this post, what is really bothering him and making him bitter and angry.

If you are middle ground, but you exhibit too many nice guy qualities, you will send nice guy signals to her, and she'll nudge you over to the extreme left. So, you'd be there emotionally, but never physically. Friend Zone. Basically, if you are in the middle ground, you need to showcase more jerk signals than nice guy signals. Is there too much of an extreme right? I honestly don't know. I flat out told one girl that I hated relationships and all women were evil, and that made her want me more. Go fig.
***I find this HIGHLY unlikely and suspect, because what would be the point of meeting someone online to date them and telling them that all women are evil and you hate relationships?

But, if you're wondering what some of those signals are that will push you more to the extreme left than to the right, here are...

Common Mistakes Guys Make in Pursuit of Girls
***Unfortunately these are not the mistakes he is making.

You say: "I'd like to be involved in a serious relationship right now/I'm looking for that special someone."
You think: You are communicating your maturity and your readiness for a relationship. You are telling her that you are prime for the taking.
She thinks: You are dependent and insecure. You need a girlfriend in order to be happy. She will be the sun to your universe - if she doesn't have time for you, or just doesn't want to see you on a particular occasion, it'll crush your world. And no one wants to have that kind of person around them.
What you should do: Don't say you want to be in a relationship. The attitude you should carry is "If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, fine. I don't care either way." This shows her that you are independent and secure with yourself. This is attractive to her.

You say: "I'm really lonely right now/women just don't find me attractive for some reason."
You think: You can get some sympathy from her, and that's a warm feeling, right? Plus, you're showing her that being an "undiscovered jewel" so to speak, she won't have any competition in nabbing you for herself.
She thinks: If other women don't like you, why should she? Plus, sympathy is a nice emotion...but the root of sympathy is pathetic, and pathetic is not attractive. Pathetic gets you in the FZ in no time flat.
What you should do: You should lead a healthy social life. Or at least, appear to. By all means, do NOT talk about your exploits with other women around her. That's a big no-no. But you should have other friends that you do things with. If she's going to be all you've got, again, that's waaaaay too much burden for her to bear.
***In the time we talked he never mentioned a friend, not a single one. He did show me pictures of his family, his school, his class room, the path he liked to walk on, but not a single friend. All he ever talked about doing were working, going to the movies or out to eat with his mom and playing video games-it was almost like he was a teenager.

She says: "I don't think I'm as pretty as other girls/I look terrible today/I'm not that attractive" or some other such statement designed to fish for a compliment.
You say: "What? You are very pretty/you always look good/you are very attractive" ...basically, giving her the compliment she was fishing for.
You think: You're making her feel good, and communicating your interest by showing how highly you think of her.
She thinks: How nice. What a good friend. See the problem? Now she knows that she has your approval, and doesn't have to work for it. Plus, anytime she doubts herself she can come to you for instant support.
What you should do: You can compliment her...but only when its warranted. If you go out to a fancy restaurant and she's dressed up, tell her how beautiful she looks. Once. Don't overdo it - if you run into her, and she's wearing a sweater and her pajama bottoms, don't tell her how beautiful she looks. Again, you're not here for emotional support. Not yet. Emotional support leads straight to the FZ.
***How ironic that he would feel like judging how someone dressed given his clothing choices.

"I Just Want to Make Her Happy" - Weak Wallet Syndrome - You constantly buy her things...from lunch/movie, dinner, maybe she sees a stuffed animal she thinks is cute, and you bust out your wallet and buy it.
You think: You are making her happy, and showing what a stand-up guy you are.
She thinks: You are so insecure, you have to buy people's approval. Which, if you think about it, is kind of true.
What you should do: Keep your wallet in check. You can do that kind of thing maybe once in a while, but make it rare. You shouldn't give off the vibe that you have to buy her approval...she should like you for who you are, $$ is irrevalent. If she sees something she likes, don't buy it on the spot for her. Come back later, buy it, and give it to her after some time has passed. She will be impressed by your thoughtfulness, and even more impressed that you remembered. If you buy it on the spot, not only does it not have that great effect, but it might put you in the FZ/just weird her out.
***He mentions money in a lot of his posts, I suspect he has tried to buy love and it has not worked out for him and made him bitter. Contrary to popular belief woman have jobs and earn a living. Here I am a single mom with no child support-I own a house and he lives at home with his mom-but woman are after him for his money-sigh.

"I Just Want to Make Her Happy" 2 - Sucker Syndrome - You are doing her favors. Especially ones where you have to go out of your way. You help her study for a class you're not even taking. You give her a ride, when it's in the opposite direction. You help her set up her computer, which takes hours out of your day. ...You get the idea.
You think: You're showing your committment to her through all these nice things. And again, what a nice guy you are.
She thinks: Just like buying her stuff, except now with time and effort instead of money.
What you should do: Again, you shouldn't be trying to buy her approval. She should like you for your own merits, not what you do for her. You can do her a favor occasionally, but make sure it's on a "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" basis - you expect her to return the favor at some point. For example, you buy her lunch one day, and make sure to mention that now she owes you lunch at some point in the future. And hell, collect that free lunch. You get the idea. Again, this shows your independence and confidence in yourself. If she were to become interested in you, it would be an equal relationship, not just you always trying to please her. Being pampered might be fun as a novelty for a while, but no woman wants that - she wants a partner, not a worshipper.
***I feel for him here, I have been in an unequal relationship before and it is it's own special pain. What he fails to realize is EVERYONE no matter how pretty, rich, cool, studly, jerk, etc-we have ALL been in relationships where we loved someone who did not love and value us back.

Over-committment to Her...ie Flake Syndrome - She asks what you're doing tonight. You tell her that you have plans with some of your other friends. Disappointed, she tells you she asked because she was hoping you two could do something. You offer to break your plans with your friends so you can go out with her.
You think: You get an opportunity to spend some time with her, and that's not bad, right? Plus, you're showing her how important she is to you.
She thinks: You're way too dependent. She wants her boyfriend to be a part of her life, not her life. You should be an addition, not a takeover. She wants to be able to go out with her friends without you if she wants, and to have time alone now and then. If you're breaking plans with your friends for her, then you'll expect the same from her, and she's not sure she wants to do that. Plus, if you can break your plans with your friends, how long until you're breaking your plans with her?
What you should do: Mirror her disappointment that you two couldn't go out tonight, but make plans for another night. Then and there. Something definite. Get a day at the very least - "What about next Saturday?" If she's interested in you, she will find a way to meet you in the middle.
***I think not losing sight of yourself, your needs and your wants is important.

Conversely, don't give too much preference to your friends. If she runs into you and your friends somewhere, don't be cold to her. Smile, be friendly, and tell her you'll call later. You don't want to drop your friends completely for her, so keep it brief and deal with her on your own time.
***Again, he is 32, not 23?

Deference of Choice - You two make plans. You ask her "Where do you want to go for dinner/what kind of movie do you want to see?" etc... She hits you with the female Old Reliable™, "I don't know." You then start trying to figure out what she wants, by giving her options, trying to get her to pick something.
You think: You are being sensitive to her needs by giving her preference, trying to determine what she wants.
She thinks: You are indecisive and slow to action. Not attractive.
What you should do: Offer her a choice initially, sure. After she hits you with "I don't know" (I reeeeeeeeally hate that, BTW), already have something in mind. Pick it. "Well then, I've always wanted to try so-and-so/I really like this, lets...." Make a decision. If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, then that's her fault for not saying anything. But either way, she'll admire your decisiveness. If you are asking her out, try to have several choices already in mind...if you ask her to dinner, have at least 3-4 restaurants ready to go...recommend the first, and if she objects, keep going until you get to one she doesn't have a problem with.
***Actualy, I thought he was pushy. Finally, I just gave in since he was such a huge pain in the ass. I did not want to see a movie and he kept pushing, we saw the damn movie and he talked through the whole thing.

Too Much Too Fast - You really like this girl. You can't stop thinking about her...and you just met her yesterday! You call everyday, or every other day. You call her immediately after dates. You want to see her as often as possible. You're already gushing about how great she is. And so on...
You think: You're showing her how much you like her, thus opening the gates for a potential relationship.
She thinks: Back off partner. You're getting Kathy Bates "Misery" weird. She doesn't want you to consume her life. Plus, you're very dependent, and she will be the pillar of support you depend on. Nobody wants to carry around that weight.
What you should do: Remember that as a potential future boyfriend, you would supplement her life, not take it over. Start small. Especially initially, you should always let a few days pass before making contact again. If you go out on a date on a Saturday, call her again on Monday or Tuesday (personally, I'd go Tuesday). Don't be so thrilled about her - you two barely know each other! Show her that you're interested, but you still need to know more about her before you get head over heels. Coming around too much can really ruin things...I saw this one guy completely destroy his chances with this girl because he text messaged her every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. She was really interested too, but after that it was just too much and she hit him with "let's just be friends." Poor **stard.
***Sadly this is me he is talking about. I am sorry his feelings were hurt, but it is not for the reasons he thinks. He SO did not wait to ask me out again, before our first date was over he was already trying to make plans for the next one and texting me none stop!

"Issues" - You're getting comfortable with this girl. You like her a lot. Subsequently, you decide to open up with her. Start sharing about your thoughts and feelings. Tell her about all the things that's going on in your life. And she does the same, trusting you with "secrets" and always saying how comfortable she is around you.
You think: You two are growing closer...so the relationship must be around the corner.
She thinks: "Yay! Emotional support! A friend! Now I need to go find some jerk to ****."
***Again all woman are whores, sigh.

What you should do: Do NOT let the issues start to come out while dating. Keep your blasted mouth shut, even if she starts to pry. If she starts talking about her own, head that shit off at the pass. Issues are for much later, when the relationship has been established and solidified. If you let the issues come out now, yeah, you'll grow closer, but in that whole emotional support context. She will not be attracted to you. You will own the Friend Zone. Dates are simply for having fun and getting to know each other better.

Following the super nice guy path too early will get you Lion-ized (0 for foreva). Remember that....

Ok so after much thought I decide to tel him the real reason he fals into the friend zone-because really it is not for ANY of the reasons he thinks. He had told me he thinks every experience is meant to be and important to learn from. I will also admit that his post pissed me off, but I did try to phrase it as kindly as possible.
Here is what I wrote to him-privately not posting on his page for others to see:

The Dreaded FZ-Comments and Suggestions

First, I really liked you as a friend we had a lot in common. However, I have to admit that I found your public service announcement on dating tired and somewhat offensive.

I thought about ignoring it because as a fellow modern-dating-human I know where it comes from, but I thought I would do you a solid and let you know why you fall into the FZ-'cause it is NOT for the reasons you think.
I will use our dating as an example:
First off, there is never a second chance to make a first impression-tired but true. I am no slave to fashion and I can wash up, put on my make up, do my hair, get dressed and be ready to hit the door for a date in 30 minutes or less-so I am not suggesting that you take a day to prepare. However, you looked sloppy on our first date-not dirty, not unkempt-but like you had just grabbed whatever was closest and wore it. That sends me the signal that you see me as a friend and not a date because you did not take time and care with your appearance. Again, I am not suggesting you hire a personal trainer and stylist, get your teeth capped or even get contacts-there is not a thing wrong with how you look. I like the way you look in fact-I just wish that you took care with your appearance. You put the energy into the date-you just put it into the wrong place-another example-when we went to Mongolian BBQ-you drove out there in advance to check it out, made reservations, etc. So I know you were serious about the date-but again, you were dressed like you were going to shovel snow or do yard work, not go out to a restaurant on a date. You need to put some of that care into your appearance. Physical appearance is important when you date. You want to put your best foot forward. You are in need of a make-over which I think would give you more confidence dating and also send the signal to the person you are dating that you are interested in them.
Second, listen to the person you are dating and give them what they say they want or what you know they have an interest in, not what you have an interest in. Case in point, for our first date you asked me if I wanted you to bring anything-I said flowers. You said you were not a flowers kind of guy-which I appreciate knowing so I do not buy you any-but remember you asked me what I wanted. Instead you made me a CD of music from video games that you like to play. Why would I want a CD of video game soundtracks? I made it clear to you that I did not like or play video games. If I wanted to give you something, I would look at what I know you like-Comics and Graphic Novels. If I had handled it like you handled what you gave me on our first date I would have bought you a book I like to read but that I really have no reason to believe that you would have any interest in. These are all indicators that you are not interested in wooing me, I do not think it is intentional on your part but this is the signal that you are sending. If you notice when you asked for a pic of me for your phone I sent one you said you liked. I know this because you have expressed it and I LISTEN to you. When you told me you liked Hawaiian Punch I made sure some was at my house for the next time you visited.
Finally the stuff about a woman dating one man for emotional and another for sexual needs is offensive. Let me be up front in case you do not know-woman enjoy, desire and need sex every bit as much as a man does. However, often woman are shy or embarrassed by their sexual needs. In some cases if a woman really likes or loves a man she may not want to hurt his feelings by letting him know he does not meet her needs sexually. Men are usually able to be more upfront about what they want and need but do seem to suffer from performance anxiety-poor chaps. I tell all my male friends, co-workers, cousins, etc-if your woman does not want to have sex with you it is usually 1 of 2 things-she wants something you are not giving her (usually a monogamous relationship or marriage) which leads her to punish you via sex OR you are not satisfying her in bed. Contrary to what you may believe men that are selfish jerks usually are not good in bed-after all why would a selfish jerk care about whether or not a woman enjoys herself in bed? and they would never believe it if a woman told them they sucked in bed. In my experience the best sex I have had is with men who listen to me and are in tune with my needs, desires and wants-that goes both ways. I am totally comfortable with my sexuality and my sexual needs, comfortable enough to tell a man he is not meeting mine and end the relationship if I do not believe he is capable of improving. If you have had an issue with this I highly suggest you purchase and read The Guide To Getting It On by the Goofy Foot Press-it is the sex bible:) I have a copy by my bed!
I hope I have not been harsh been but I felt you were worthy of the true reason you probably have some of the issues you have dating.
Needless to say he did not find my truths helpful-guess he is not realy looking to grow like he thinks he is, he is just looking to bitch and moan for pity.

2008-11-05T00:59:00.002-05:00

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust,

I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air,

I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

2008-11-05T00:18:00.002-05:00

I still can not believe it even though I have checked every channel!!!!
Barack Hussein Obama will be the 44th president of the United States of America. I makes me proud to be an American-for the first time in almost 8 years I have not wanted to be Canadian.
I honestly never thought in my lifetime I would see an African-American run for president at the head of one of the 2 major parties.
I figured Hilary would run-win the bid for the Democratic party and win president. Last summer I started kind of hearing about him, but he did not have alot of support. Then at work-during all of the back biting between he and Hilary I went to CNN and checked out what they had to say about the candidates. There I found his speech on the American Dream. It blew my mind, after reading that speech I wanted to support him and for him to win so badly I could taste.

BETTENDORF, Iowa (CNN) -- It's wonderful to be here today. I feel right at home in Bettendorf, which is just a stone's throw from my home state of Illinois. But the truth is, we share more than the banks of a great river.

If you spend time in Washington, you hear a lot about the divisions in our country. About how we're becoming more separated by geography and ideology; race and religion; wealth and opportunity. And we've had plenty of politicians who try to take advantage of these divisions - pitting Americans against one another, or targeting different messages to different audiences.

But as I've traveled around Iowa and the rest of the country these last nine months, I haven't been struck by our differences - I've been impressed by the values and hopes that we share. In big cities and small towns; among men and women; young and old; black, white, and brown - Americans share a faith in simple dreams. A job with wages that can support a family. Health care that we can count on and afford. A retirement that is dignified and secure. Education and opportunity for our kids. Common hopes. American dreams.

These are dreams that drove my grandparents. After my grandfather served in World War II, the GI Bill gave him a chance to go to college, and the government gave them a chance to buy a home. They moved West, worked hard at different jobs, and were able to provide my mother with a decent education, to help raise me, and to save enough to retire.

These are dreams that drove my father-in-law. A city worker in Chicago, he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at the age of 30. But every day, even when he had to leave an hour earlier in the morning and rely on a walker to get him there, he went to work while his wife stayed home with the kids. And on that single salary, he provided for his family and sent my wife Michelle and her brother to college. His dream was to see them do better. And they have.

These are dreams that drove my mother. A single mom - even while relying on food stamps as she finished her education, she followed her passion for helping others, and raised my sister and me to believe that in America there are no barriers to success - no matter what color you are, no matter where you're from, no matter how much money you have.

And these are the dreams that led me to Chicago over two decades ago to become a community organizer. The salary - $12,000 a year - wasn't what my friends would make in the corporate world or at law firms. I didn't know a single person in Chicago. But I knew there were folks who needed help. The steel plant had closed. Jobs were disappearing. In a forgotten corner of America, the American dream was slipping away. And I knew dreams are worth fighting for.

What is unique about America is that we want these dreams for more than ourselves - we want them for each other. That's why we call it the American dream. We want it for the kid who doesn't go to college because she cannot afford it; for the worker whose wondering if his wages will pay this winter's heating bill; for 47 million Americans living without health care; for the millions more who worry if they have enough to retire with the dignity they have earned.

When our fellow Americans are denied the American dream, our own dreams are diminished. And today, the cost of that dream is rising faster than ever before. While some have prospered beyond imagination in this global economy, middle-class Americans - as well as those working hard to become middle class - are seeing the American dream slip further and further away.

You know it from your own lives. Americans are working harder for less and paying more for health care and college. For most folks, one income isn't enough to raise a family and send your kids to college. Sometimes, two incomes aren't enough. It's harder to save. It's harder to retire. You're doing your part, you're meeting your responsibilities, but it always seems like you're treading water or falling behind. And as I see this every day on the campaign trail, I'm reminded of how unlikely it is that the dreams of my family could be realized today

I don't accept this future. We need to reclaim the American dream. And that starts with reclaiming the White House from George Bush and Dick Cheney. We're tired of tax cuts for the wealthy that shift the burden onto the backs of working people. We're tired of waiting ten years for the minimum wage to go up while CEO pay is soaring. We're tired of more Americans going without health care, of more Americans falling into poverty, of more American kids who have the brains and the drive to go to college - but can't - because they can't afford it. We're ready for the Bush Administration to end, because we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

But this is about more than George Bush. He's just the beginning of the change that we need. These problems didn't start when he came to office and they won't end just because he's leaving. We're not going to reclaim that dream unless we put an end to the politics of polarization and division that is holding this country back; unless we stand up to the corporate lobbyists that have stood in the way of progress; unless we have leadership that doesn't just tell people what they want to hear - but tells everyone what they need to know. That's the change we need.

I believe that Americans want to come together again behind a common purpose. Americans want to reclaim our American dream. That's why I'm running for President of the United States. It's the same reason I packed up my car and moved to Chicago. Because in this country, that dream is worth fighting for - not just for ourselves, but for each other. And that's why I don't think you should settle for a President who's only there for you when it's easy or convenient or popular - I think you deserve a President who you can trust will fight for your dreams every hour of every day for the next four years. That's the change we need.

This starts with an economy that works for working people. Americans don't expect government to solve all our problems. But you're tired of a government that works for special interests, and not for you. It's time that we had leadership that worried as much about Main Street as it does about Wall Street. That's why I'm introducing an American Dream agenda - to put some wind at the backs of working people, to lower the cost of getting ahead, and to protect and extend opportunity for the middle class.

We need to give working families a break. For twenty-five years, we've seen gaps in wealth grow larger, while our tax code that favors wealth over work. That's why I've proposed an income tax cut to offset the payroll tax that working Americans are already paying. This will be worth up to $1000 for a working family. I'll make retirement more secure for America's seniors by eliminating income taxes for any retiree making less than $50,000 per year. And I won't wait ten years to raise the minimum wage - I'll guarantee that it goes up every single year. That's the change that working Americans need.

We know that the cost of the American dream must never come at the expense of the American family. You're working longer hours. More families have two parents working. Meanwhile, it's hard to get a hand. It's even harder to get a break. That's why I'll double spending on quality after-school programs - so that you can know your kids are safe and secure. And that's why I'll expand the Family Medical Leave Act to include more businesses and millions more workers; to let parents participate in school activities with their kids; and to cover elderly care. And we'll finally put federal support behind state efforts to provide paid Family and Medical Leave.

We also need to change a system that is stacked against women. Forty percent of working women do not have a single paid sick day. More and more women are denied jobs or promotions because they've got kids at home. As the son of a single mother, that is not the America that I believe in. I'll be a President who stands up for working parents. We'll require employers to provide seven paid sick days each year. We'll enforce laws that prohibit caregiver discrimination. And we'll encourage flexible work schedules to better balance work and parenting for mothers and fathers. That's the change that working families need.

We also need a housing market that is honest, open and accountable. I've introduced a bill in the Senate that cracks down on mortgage fraud. As President, I'll get tough on enforcement and raise penalties on lenders who have broken the rules. For homeowners facing foreclosure through no fault of their own, we'll create a fund and reform bankruptcy laws to give them a shot at avoiding foreclosure. We'll mandate that prospective homebuyers have access to accurate and complete information about their mortgage options. And we'll give middle class homeowners added relief by providing a tax credit that covers 10 percent of a family's mortgage interest payment each year. That's the change that America's homeowners need.

Since many people who hold subprime mortgages are shifting their debt to credit cards, we have to make sure that they understand their commitments - otherwise credit cards could be the next stage in the subprime crisis. To make sure that Americans know what they're signing up for, I'll institute a five-star rating system to inform consumers about the level of risk involved in every credit card. And we'll establish a Credit Card Bill of Rights that will ban unilateral changes to a credit card agreement; ban rate changes to debt that's already incurred; and ban interest on late fees. Americans need to pay what they owe, but they should pay what's fair.

This same principle of fairness is needed in our bankruptcy laws. For far too long, the same politicians in Washington who have been cutting back the safety net for working people have been protecting golden parachutes for the well-off - so workers lose their pensions and their health care, while CEOs get multi-million dollar payoffs.

I fought against a bankruptcy reform bill in the Senate that did more to protect credit card companies and banks than to help working people. I'll continue the fight for good bankruptcy laws as President. No more bonuses for executives while pensions disappear. We'll press firms to put more money into their pension funds, and require firms to disclose their pension fund investments. And we'll increase the amount of wages and benefits that workers can claim in bankruptcy court. That's the change we need in our bankruptcy laws.

And if you can demonstrate that you went bankrupt because of medical expenses, then there must be a process that relieves that debt and lets you get back on your feet. I don't accept an America where we let someone go over a cliff just because they get sick. That is not who we are.

Every four years politicians come before you to talk about health care. You hear the same promises. And then you see the same results. Well it's time to end the outrage of 47 million uninsured Americans. It's time to finally do something about it. I reformed health care in Illinois, and I didn't do it alone - I did it by reaching out to Democrats and Republicans. We took on the insurance industry, and we won. That's how I'll pass a universal health care bill that cuts a typical family's premiums by up to $2500. And mark my words - I will sign this bill by the end of my first term as President. That's the change that America is waiting for.

And health care isn't the only cost that we're not keeping up with. Americans who work hard their entire lives have earned a secure retirement. But right now, we've got 75 million working people in this country who don't have employer-based retirement plans. Personal saving is at an all-time low. A part of the American dream is at risk.

That's why I'll establish an automatic workplace pension policy. Employers will be required to enroll workers in a direct deposit retirement account that places a small percentage of each paycheck into the account. Then you'll have the choice of opting out, matching, or adding to this account. When you change jobs, your savings will roll over into your new employer's system, or into a system that you control if you leave the workplace or become self-employed. And the federal government will match savings for working families. This will dramatically increase the number of Americans who save for retirement, and lift up the amount of savings in this country. That's the change we need to help Americans achieve the retirement they are working for.

But we need to do more than put the American dream on a firmer foundation. Every American has the right to pursue their dreams. But we also have the responsibility to make sure that our children can reach a little further and rise a little higher than we did. When I am President, we will stop passing bills called No Child Left Behind that leave the money behind, and start making real investments in education. That means early childhood education. That means recruiting an army of new teachers, and paying them better, and supporting them more so they're not just teaching to test, but teaching to teach.

It also means putting a college education within reach of every American. That's the best investment we can make in our future. I'll create a new and fully refundable tax credit worth $4,000 for tuition and fees every year, which will cover two-thirds of the tuition at the average public college or university. I'll also simplify the financial aid application process so that we don't have a million students who aren't applying for aid because it's too difficult. I will start by eliminating the current student aid form altogether - we'll use tax data instead.

And I'll tap the tremendous resource of community colleges, which educate half the undergraduates in this country, by creating a new Community College Partnership Program. We'll help schools determine what skills and technical education are needed to help local industry; we'll expand new degrees for emerging fields; and we'll reward schools that graduate more students. That's the change we need so that our young people can achieve their dreams.

This is what we must do to reclaim the American dream. We know it won't be easy. We'll hear from the can't-do, won't-do, won't-even-try crowd in Washington; the special interests and their lobbyists; the conventional thinking that says this country is just too divided to make progress.

Well I'm not running for President to conform to this conventional thinking - I'm running to challenge it. There is too much at stake. Too much at stake for the family that can't get ahead; the elderly worker who faces a retirement filled with worry; the kid who doesn't believe America has a place for her dreams. To stand up for these Americans, I don't want to settle for anything less than real change, fundamental change - change we need - change that we can believe in.

It's change that I've been fighting for since I moved out to Chicago over two decades ago. Because those dreams - American dreams - are worth fighting for. And because I wouldn't be standing on this stage today if it weren't for the dreams of those who came before me.

The dreams of my grandfather - who marched in Patton's Army and moved his family west in search of opportunity.

The dreams of my grandmother - who was up at dawn and worked twice as hard at her job because a woman had to work harder to get ahead.

The dreams of my father who crossed an ocean because America offered that light to the world.

The dreams of my mother - a single mom who understood that a life rich in family and experience was more important than a life of riches.

The dreams of those men and women on the South Side of Chicago, who fought with me to create a future for their community after the steel plant was shuttered.

There has been a lot of talk in this campaign about the politics of hope. But the politics of hope doesn't mean hoping that things come easy. It's a politics of believing in things unseen; of believing in what this country might be; and of standing up for that belief and fighting for it when it's hard.

America is the sum of our dreams. And what binds us together, what makes us one American family, is that we stand up and fight for each other's dreams, that we reaffirm that fundamental belief - I am my brother's keeper, I am my sister's keeper - through our politics, our policies, and in our daily lives. It's time to do that once more. It's time to reclaim the American dream.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/12/21/obama.trans.americandream/

2008-11-01T14:39:00.004-04:00

I made it back to the Temple last week for a sunday sitting/dharma talk-which I have not done in over 2 years. Odd, isn't it-when I lived in RH it took me almost 45 mins to make it on sundays and I almost always went the 1 or 2 sundays I was off a month. Just over 2 years ago- I moved less than 10 mins from the Temple and was in a position to have 3 or more sundays off a month and I have only gone for full moon chanting-and that few times at best. I am not sure what has drawn me to the temple now.
I have been off work almost as much as I have been at work this year and could have attended every event and used what was there to aid my healing-but I never did. Does that mean I had given up on what Buddhism offered me? Was I becoming jaded-as I so often do with religion. Being man made religion has so many many holes-so many restrictions-that no matter how beautiful I find the way I view humanity from the comforts of a given religion-in the end the paradoxes and hypocrisy always gets to me. As I have gotten older-really since before Ameena was 4 or 5, I have mostly looked to non-traditional, non-book religions-which has helped the Honeymoon period with a particular faith or practice to last longer, but none the less I soon find holes in whatever pagan theory I am studying and before I know it I am jumping sects and changing my mind. Years ago I would keep a journal of how I felt when I discovered a new practice/way to exist-how it touched my soul, how I viewed my life and all humanity through it, how it had changed and developed me. I would later look back at how I felt during my first few months of 'dating' a new religion or practice, after had I seen all of the puppet strings and was tired of the show-ready to jump to something else-similar yet different enough to satisfy my now logical view of this practice. I could always still see how I was changed by having believed and practiced-even for a short while-but it made no difference as to me having outgrown that particular practice or belief. It was time to move on. You know Sagittarius are supposed to be unreliable and irresponsible-free spirits untouched by the responsible aspects of life. I have always thought I never fit that description (well except for the sexual part-and even there I lack the partners you would expect a Sag to have had) I am so serious and was born responsible-in fact the first person I can remember feeling responsible for is my mother:) Yet, in the religion and spirituality category I am a true Sag-I fall in love quickly and completely with a new faith or practice or belief and just as quickly I outgrow and am done with it. People are so serious about religion-hell most wars are fought with that as a base-yet I have never understood how any person can not outgrow at least one religion. For me it would be like still liking the same foods as an adult that I liked at 5-when I smothered everything in ketchup (which I can barely tolerate now). It seems like stunted emotional growth-especially in people who believe so strongly and live so little of what they believe. How do they avoid hating themselves? The contradiction fascinates me....but I digress:)
Buddhism was the first 'main-stream' type rellgion I have been interested in oh 6 or more years. That's not completely true, I think in a sense I have always been interested in Buddhism, I just never studied it. After all, I grew up reading Pearl Buck books, I can not remember time I did not love and long for the China that existed in her novels. I studied Chinese for 4 years in high school and even visited China in 1990-so obviously I knew about Buddhism. I can vividly remember visisting a 'real' Buddhist Temple in the middle of winter in China-nothing I have seen in the states even compares:) Yet, in my mind I always saw myself as not good enough for Buddhism, my soul to dirty-not evolved enough. My soul was too young to be that kind, that compassionate, that wise. Underneath my cold and often difficult to really know or get close to exterior is a very much hot-blooded passionate woman. I do not just mean passionate sexually-though there is that aspect-I mean socially. I could never have followed Martin Luther King Jr who during the Civil Rights Movement turned the other cheek. I am more Malcolm X-I am not going to hurt you, but if you slap me you best expect I will slap you back bitch! My heart did not ache and hurt for injustice or inequality or atrocities-my blood boiled. I did not want an apology, I wanted heads to roll. Also my pagan studies have given me a different bent on human nature and existence. I do not believe in non-violence-even as a more or less Buddhist I do not. I do not believe in "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"- and not just because I am not Christian and consider the bible to be Christian mythology and not fact-but becuase I can see that policy just leaves everyone "blind and toothless". Yet, I do believe that a certain level of violence is part of nature and therefore a part of human nature- anyone who has swam in lake Michigan will tell you it is the undertow that kills-no matter how beautiful the Lake appears. How violent is a storm-with branches left all over the street and power lines knocked down-and that is here where storms are mild. Violence is part of both nature and humanity and to pretend otherwise is rediculos. Now I eat meat-though I have gone through vegetarian phases. Whether I ate meat or not, I never felt that it was wrong to kill animals. Death is a part of life, I do not support the Death Penalty, but I support abortion. I view abortion as the death of that potential life-I think it is re-born, not gone forever, but I do believe it is a life. My views are varied and to explain them could encompass a novel longer than the unabridged version of The Stand-and that is not what this post is about. Violence has no place in Buddhism and I guess inside I always viewed Buddhists as highly evolved spiritual beings and I have always been too flesh and blood for that. I know most 'practicing' buddhist might not fit my definition, but I do not join or claim to practice and follow a religion unless I truly buy into what they are selling. Otherwise I would be a hypocrite-and as rude as this sounds I am going to post it anyway-if I was that shallow I would just be a Christian. Mean, I know, but then unless you have been hunted and hounded by a group of people who can not seem to agree on anything other than that you are going to hell and it is their personal responsibility to help you see the error of your ways, you can not understand how Christians, in this country at least, can make a pagans life hell here on earth. Or how hard it is for me to be nice and take them seriously when I behave in a more Christian manner than they do. Here I will give a few examples, since I am so bitter, the Christian teacher who told my 4th grader that she was going to hell because I did not take her to church or believe in Christ. My previous boss who was a co-leader with me but did not believe me over one of our employees because it was his duty as a Christian to believe another Christian over me-a pagan and heathen. Becuase I could see in the eyes of one of my favorite employees that he honestly believed I was evil, as he prayed over every meal he ate and considered himself to be a 'true' Christian though he had sex outside of marriage, cheated regularly and without shame or remorse on his girlfriend, fenced stolen items and was not above selling drugs. Yet, he honestly believed that I was the lost soul. The hate also gets to me-Jesus was such a sweet hippy dude how did a religion descended from his teachings end up with so many hating self-righteous idiots? But, again, I digress.... this is not a post about Christianity has destroyed the modern world, it is about Buddhism and how I was drawn to it.
Believe it or not, a book is what sent me studying Buddhism, a sci fi book no less. The book was Radiant, byt James Alan Garder (who is of course Canadian:). It was of a series of books he had done on humanity in the future-low on the totem pole and often quite funny. The main character-You Suu (which means Ugly-screaming stink girl)-was raised on a Buddhist planet. The book featured a form of future Buddhism which, of course, does not exist today, but fascinated me none the less. I began to really look into Buddhism. I started with His Holiness the Dalai Lama-who I liked anyway, though I quickly decided that Tibetan Buddism was not for me. The internet was an invaluable source of information. The deciding factor would be this post found on a website:
Why religion? Why Spiritualism? Why Buddhism?
This entire article is actually posted on this blog on a post I made Friday, January 20, 2006. So I will para-phrase here. What caught was his explanation of 'religion' and what we as humans seek in it:
WHAT IS RELIGION?
Religions usually start when one person has a profound understanding of life (the universe and everything). They try and share their insight - they teach. Other people get interested in religion because they see something in that person's TRUTH; they too want to know about the truth.
So then, what is this 'some-thing' that we are to join with - or be afraid of? Most religions say that this 'thing' is God. But what is this God thing? And it goes on like this and on like this and on like this. The trouble with words is that they are limited - the word can never be the same as the thing it is describing.
You can listen to many different teachings but only through your own study can you actually realise THE TRUTH.

I could not have agreed more with that. What further drew me in was not that Buddhism was based on the premise that life was suffering and his path-the Buddhist path- was a way to end suffering, what drew me in was his example of how we created our OWN suffering and reveled as victims in it:
The suffering is not so much physical as mental. It is what we 'add on' to a situation. For example you have a nice china coffee mug -- you drop it and it breaks. Maybe it drops on your toe and there is pain. I'm sure you can survive this much. What is difficult to deal with are the add-ons . . . ''Oh, that was my favourite mug. My best friend gave me that; I will never get another. What stupid idiot left it balanced there anyhow? How can I tell my friend? And look at the stain on the carpet. My mother will kill me. It's not fair. Why do these things happen to me?''
It's difficult to accept the facts of life the way they are!
To be content with things just the way they happen is not easy.
So the dukkha, the suffering is something we actually create -- we make the problem. Mugs break, friends come & go, the weather changes -- all of this is natural.
We don't want things to go wrong we want them to go right. This is only natural. But the bad news is that it is natural for things to go wrong (sometimes). Most people can see this but it is very difficult to fully accept it. The good news is - it will change (eventually).
Because we do have some control in the world, and can often get what we want (and that is nice) we want that all the time. SORRY. No can do. Sure, you are careful with mugs; you try and look after your friends, but ... you've got to allow nature to do its thing.
Go with the flow.
If you can see when it is time to stop wanting and just leave things be your suffering will decrease. Like if you are trying to push start a car with a dead battery. You push -- and it nearly goes -- push -- and push again -- its worth making the effort. You want the engine to go. But maybe the nature of that engine means it won't start. Know when to stop. Take a break. Flag someone down. Call the repair man.

It may not seem like it, but this was a revelation for me. I could so see how it was not the event that caused suffering-though that is clearly not always the case-but what we add on to it. How we hold onto to an unwanted change that has occurred with both hands, struggling, cursing and sweating, trying with all our might to force that change to return to how it was before. How this in effect is how we choose to suffer rather than choose to except reality at it exists in that moment. The key word being choose. How often do I feel beat up by life, like the things that happen to me are out of my control-which is true-but I do not have to allow that to direct my path. I could learn another way to handle those things that are going to happen anyway-those un-fun and often life altering, aspects that are the bread and butter of this journey we call life. I wanted to know when to let go, take a break, call a repairman-and so my journey into Buddhism began.
I will not go over the details-for those too exist in previous posts-but I will say that at the dharma talk I attended this past week, I felt renewed. My teacher said that an easy explanation of Buddhism, the 10 Commandments-so to speak-of Buddhism would be:

Not to do any evil,
To cultivate good,
To purify one's mind,

For some reason this definition moved me, like an epiphany. It was nothing I had not heard or read before in studying Budhism but for me, it opened the reality of what I was seeking from Buddhism-not perfection but simply to not do evil, cultivate good and purify my mind.
I can do that!
So, I am seriously thinking of taking the Precepts this spring-commiting to Buddhism after many years of study-I am ready to not be perfect but instead to not do evil, cultivate good and purify my mind.....
~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2008-10-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

2008-10-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

Equality

By Maya Angelou

You declare you see me dimly
through a glass which will not shine,
though I stand before you boldly,
trim in rank and making time.
You do own to hear me faintly
as a whisper out of range,
while my drums beat out the message
and the rhythms never change.
Equality, and I will be free.
Equality, and I will be free.

You announce my ways are wanton,
that I fly from man to man,
but if I'm just a shadow to you,
could you ever understand?
We have lived a painful history,
we know the shameful past,
but I keep on marching forward,
and you keep on coming last.
Equality, and I will be free.
Equality, and I will be free.

Take the blinders from your vision,
take the padding from your ears,
and confess you've heard me crying,
and admit you've seen my tears.
Hear the tempo so compelling,
hear the blood throb through my veins.
Yes, my drums are beating nightly,
and the rhythms never change.
Equality, and I will be free.
Equality, and I will be free.

2008-10-26T21:11:00.001-04:00

Our Grandmothers
by Maya Angelou

She lay, skin down in the moist dirt,
the canebrake rustling
with the whispers of leaves, and
loud longing of hounds and
the ransack of hunters crackling the near
branches.

She muttered, lifting her head a nod toward
freedom,
I shall not, I shall not be moved.

She gathered her babies,
their tears slick as oil on black faces,
their young eyes canvassing mornings of madness.
Momma, is Master going to sell you
from us tomorrow?

Yes.
Unless you keep walking more
and talking less.
Yes.
Unless the keeper of our lives
releases me from all commandments.
Yes.
And your lives,
never mine to live,
will be executed upon the killing floor of
innocents.
Unless you match my heart and words,
saying with me,

I shall not be moved.

In Virginia tobacco fields,
leaning into the curve
of Steinway
pianos, along Arkansas roads,
in the red hills of Georgia,
into the palms of her chained hands, she
cried against calamity,
You have tried to destroy me
and though I perish daily,

I shall not be moved.

Her universe, often
summarized into one black body
falling finally from the tree to her feet,
made her cry each time into a new voice.
All my past hastens to defeat,
and strangers claim the glory of my love,
Iniquity has bound me to his bed.

yet, I must not be moved.

She heard the names,
swirling ribbons in the wind of history:
nigger, nigger bitch, heifer,
mammy, property, creature, ape, baboon,
whore, hot tail, thing, it.
She said, But my description cannot
fit your tongue, for
I have a certain way of being in this world,

and I shall not, I shall not be moved.

No angel stretched protecting wings
above the heads of her children,
fluttering and urging the winds of reason
into the confusions of their lives.
The sprouted like young weeds,
but she could not shield their growth
from the grinding blades of ignorance, nor
shape them into symbolic topiaries.
She sent them away,
underground, overland, in coaches and
shoeless.

When you learn, teach.
When you get, give.
As for me,

I shall not be moved.

She stood in midocean, seeking dry land.
She searched God's face.
Assured,
she placed her fire of service
on the altar, and though
clothed in the finery of faith,
when she appeared at the temple door,
no sign welcomed
Black Grandmother, Enter here.

Into the crashing sound,
into wickedness, she cried,
No one, no, nor no one million
ones dare deny me God, I go forth
along, and stand as ten thousand.

The Divine upon my right
impels me to pull forever
at the latch on Freedom's gate.

The Holy Spirit upon my left leads my
feet without ceasing into the camp of the
righteous and into the tents of the free.

These momma faces, lemon-yellow, plum-
purple,
honey-brown, have grimaced and twisted
down a pyramid for years.
She is Sheba the Sojourner,
Harriet and Zora,
Mary Bethune and Angela,
Annie to Zenobia.

She stands
before the abortion clinic,
confounded by the lack of choices.
In the Welfare line,
reduced to the pity of handouts.
Ordained in the pulpit, shielded
by the mysteries.
In the operating room,
husbanding life.
In the choir loft,
holding God in her throat.
On lonely street corners,
hawking her body.
In the classroom, loving the
children to understanding.

Centered on the world's stage,
she sings to her loves and beloveds,
to her foes and detractors:
However I am perceived and deceived,
however my ignorance and conceits,
lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

for I shall not be moved.

2008-10-26T21:00:00.001-04:00

This is for the mothers........

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see.

And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year.

And then read it again. "Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and Teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

This is for all the step-mothers who raised another woman's child or children, and gave their time, attention, and love... sometimes totally unappreciated!

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway?

Is it patience?

Compassion?

Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?

Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation...

And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all.

For all of us.

Hang in there.

In the end we can only do the best we can.

Tell them every day that we love them.

And pray.

"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

2008-10-26T20:53:00.001-04:00

Stand Up and Fight With Me

I am a mother.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am a friend.

I am a great listener.

I am a terrible singer.

I am an animal lover.

I am an awful dancer.

I am a woman with a bright future and an interesting past.

I work.

I shop.

I pay taxes.

I drive.

I vote.

I respect my elders.

I love.

I am in love.

In a world of disposable spouses and conditional love I fight, everyday, for what I feel.

I fight fear.

I fight prejudice.

I fight injustice.

I fight hatred.

I fight ignorance.

I fight because I have to.

I will continue to fight.

I will fight for who I am and who I love.

A love worth fighting for is never wrong.

Your third wife may not believe that, but I do.

While you're trading up, I'm holding on.

I will not bow out gracefully.

I will not admit defeat.

I am the girl next door.

I am the woman behind the counter.

I am the woman on the street or in the elevator.

If we met, you might say "What a sweet young woman."

If I didn't tell you, you'd never know.

I am a lesbian.

I have a name and a face and a life.

I have hopes and dreams and plans.

I have a love you cannot even fathom.

You have taken away my rights by you will not damage my spirit.

You will see me.

You will know me.

You will learn from me.

You will respect my strength.

You will envy my commitment.

You will not think I am sweet again.

We're not done here, people. The worst thing we can do now is give up. Stay strong. Stand up and fight with me.

2008-10-26T20:42:00.001-04:00

Butt Prints In The Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,

One set of footprints there was seen,

The footprints of the Goddess they were,

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,

And I asked Her, “What have we here?

These prints are large and round and neat,

But much too big to be from feet.”

“My child,” She said in somber tones,

“For miles I carried you alone.

I challenged you to walk in faith,

But you refused and made me wait.”

“You would not learn, you would not grow,

The walk of faith you would not know,

So I got challenged, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb,

When one must rise and take a stand,

Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

2008-10-26T20:40:00.002-04:00

I asked the Goddess…..

I asked the Goddess for all things that I might enjoy life.
She said, “No.
I gave you life so you might enjoy all things.”

I asked the Goddess to give me happiness.
She said, “No.
I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.”

I asked the Goddess to grant me patience.
She said, “No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn’t granted, it is earned.”

I asked the Goddess to spare me suffering.
She said, “No
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to Me.”

I asked the Goddess to take away my pain.
She said, “No.
It is not for Me to take away, but for you to give it up.”

I asked the Goddess to make my handicapped child whole.
She said, “ No.
Her spirit was always whole, her body was only temporary.”

I asked the Goddess to make my spirit grow.
She said, “No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.”

I asked the Goddess to help me LOVE others, as much as she loves me.
She said……..
Aaahhh, finally you have the idea.

2008-10-26T20:39:00.002-04:00

Goddess, Are You Real?

The little child whispered, “Goddess, speak to me.”

And a meadowlark sang.

But the child did not hear.

So the child yelled, “Goddess, speak to me!”

And the thunder rolled across the sky.

But the child did not listen.

The child looked around and said, “Goddess, let me see you.”

And a star shone brightly.

But the child did not notice.

And the child shouted, “Goddess show me a miracle!”

And a life was born.

But the child did not know.

So the child cried out in despair, “Touch me Goddess,

And let me know you are here!”

Whereupon the Goddess reached down and touched the child.

But the child brushed the butterfly away,

And walked away unknowingly.

2008-10-26T20:36:00.003-04:00

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

2008-10-26T20:31:00.002-04:00

The Invitation

By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to
be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can
disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

2008-10-26T20:24:00.003-04:00

I Am Becoming

by Jayne Relaford Brown

I am becoming
the woman I’ve wanted,
grey at the temples,
soft body, delighted,
cracked up by life
with a laugh that’s
known bitter
but, past it, got better,
knows she’s a survivor
that whatever comes,
she can outlast it.
I am becoming a deep
weathered basket.

I am becoming the woman
I’ve longed for,
the motherly lover
with arms strong and tender,
the growing up daughter
who blushes surprises.
I am becoming full moons
and sunrises.
I find her becoming,
this woman I’ve wanted,
who knows she’ll encompass,
who knows she’s sufficient,
knows where she’s going
and travels with passion.
Who remembers she’s precious,
but knows she’s not scarce
who knows she is plenty,
plenty to share.

2008-10-20T20:07:00.003-04:00

Forgive me dedicated blog readers it has been-well-a long time since my last post......
My life has changed since then-in a very real and concrete way.
In some ways it is better, in some ways it is worse-either way such is life. I am not ready to talk about that change on here so instead I am going to focus on dating......
I started this year off dating B. B was not my type at all, but was very good looking and simple and probably the closest I have ever come to dating a "thug". He was also a stoner and a loser who lived with his mom. He was the largest man I was ever intimate with and it was really nice. I am usually the same height-if not taller-than the men I date. I never realized how feminine I would feel with a larger man. He was also the dumbest man I ever dated-that was rough. He was a real game player and it got old fast. However, he was the first man I had slept with in a very long time and I think my dating confidence was lacking because of it. So, I guess I can say that he got me back interested in the dating "game".
After B-this summer-I put an ad on a free dating site.
In the spring, after B-I had an epiphany-that I would be happier if I had an adult relationship-it would make the other hum drum aspects of my life more acceptable. I wanted someone that was invested in my life and who's life I could invest in as well. I also decided that I wanted to be married by the time I was 35. Not sure why 35 seemed like the right age, but it did at the time. As I was already 33.5, I only had 1.5 years to meet, fall in love with and marry the man of my dreams. What WAS I thinking? I was thinking that it seemed so easy for everyone around me. What was it that I lacked that kept me from being successful in a long term relationship? I am 33 and the longest adult relationship I have ever had lasted just under 3 years. I always said that I met the wrong men or picked the wrong men or there were no single men out there, etc. Whatever the case may be, whatever my underlying issues, I wanted this elusive "couple" status that everyone around me seemed to be able to manage with such ease-even through break ups and divorces, they all met someone else, only I remained single. I knew of women less attractive, less intelligent and with a lot less to offer living with/married to decent guys-so I had to be doing something wrong. So, I decided to get back out there and keep trying until I got it right!
I started talking to lots of men who all said I was beautiful-lol! I had the usual online dating site experience-lots of email exchanges, even some phone calls, but nothing that went anywhere. The first guy I actually met in person was J. J was a few years younger than me and reminded me of a puppy-eager but friendly. He was also, as it turned out not without some rather hefty baggage himself. I have discovered that emotionally crippled men flock to me. Anyway, J was sweet and attentive and we had a few dates. He had self esteem issues, but I figured it must be difficult to hit on women-even online-and that as we dated he would feel less nervous. I did not feel nervous about him at all. He was pushing me for sex from the first date and I was holding him. I was not ready to be that intimate with him-his kisses were too slobbery, it just was too soon. Well, after about a month I decided ok, tonight's the night. Everything was going ok-he was somewhat over-eager, slightly rough and not that open to listening to what I liked. However, his true gifts were his oral skills-wow! He had told me he had a small penis and he did. Actually, I would have said under-developed. Usually a man that lacks length makes up for it with width, sadly that was not the case with J and was not doubt why his oral skills were so on point. Anyway, as it gets to be time to go further he freaks out. I mean he literally sits up in bed, covers his face and starts shrieking, "I can't do this, it's not going to work, etc, etc." I have to admit that I was shocked and somewhat disgusted. However, I tried to be nice, told him it was no big deal, went down on him told him it was probably just performance anxiety, etc, etc, etc. What I really wanted was for him to leave right then, but he stayed and seemed to calm down. The next day we spent the whole day together and I was thinking that he might be worth the sex issues. After all, I do like to explore sexually and he was attentive and I really, really, really wanted a boyfriend! Anyway, he would not return my calls for a week. We had agreed previous to the sex to stop dating others and I had modified my ad appropriately. Well, I am trying to work with him-thinking he just felt embarassed. I guess that a woman had never tried to work with him before because he became very different. He got snippy and we started arguing alot. I would tell him to leave me alone, than he would apologize and say how mortified he was about the almost sex and how he had low self-esteem because he was fat and ugly, etc, etc, etc. The long and short of it is I tried to work with him about 3 weeks? I never saw him again after the one sad almost sexual encounter. He would beg me to give him another chance, we would make arrangements to see eachother-then he would say he had to work, or was sick or was too tired, etc etc. Finally enough, was enough and I stopped even engaging in conversation with him. He seemed to feel like I was so "into" him that he could treat me like girls had always treated him. Poor fool, tricks are for kids. Once I realized that he was just using me to boost his self-esteem issues, I told him how I really felt about him. I figured that would be the last I heard from him, but nope, he continues to text me even to this day.
The weekend after I decided enough was enough with J, I met C. C was an older man-56-who was single-never married, no kids, lived in canada and was just so sweet and nice. We exchanged emails for weeks before I met him. In a first for me, I actually went to him, rather than having him come to me. Mostly because he had a boat and I thought it would be fun to go out on the boat. It was. He was a perfect gentleman and I have to say I have never had a better first date. His house was nice and neat, his boat was small but fun and instead of going out to dinner we ordered a pizza and went back out on the boat to watch the sun set. It was amazing. I think I fell in like with him right then and there. He did not seem to like me that much, he was perfect gentlemen but seemed distant. I sent him an email to that effect and he said nothing was further from the truth he just did not want to scare me since I had come to his house. We got together every weekend after that for a wonderful time on his boat. I really liked him. He was quiet, laid back, seemed sure of himself and was very attracted to me. I felt beautiful and wanted and safe with him. However, I knew in the little niggling part of my brain that he was 56 and never married because he had either committment or intimacy issues or both. Well, I think our 5th week I tried to get him to come to my side of the border since the weather was supposed to be too bad to go out on the boat. He did not want to. I called him on it. I said that my ad was very specific about what I was looking for and how were we going to have a relationship if it always depended on me coming to him? I had to find someone to keep my kid and someone to come and walk the dog. He had only himself. He sent me a long email about how he could not give me what I wanted, he had thought he could but now relaized he could not. He said that the age difference came into play-he just wanted to go home after work and chill, not cross the border, etc. I called him on his bullshit. It was not his age or not wanting to cross the border-as he saw multiple baseball games this side of the border and I am only maybe 20 mins away from there. Surely I am worth a baseball game? No, the real issue was that he was afraid or insecure or whatever. It had nothing to do with age or distance-after all he hit on me and charmed me into dating someone only 3 years younger than my father. I should have known better, like I said, he was not 56 and single for no reason. However, it hurt, it hurt my feelings alot. I liked him and really enjoyed spending time with him. I was sorry to see him go but unwilling to settle for what he could give me. I was also kinda pissed at him for wasting my time.
The weekend after my last weekend with C, I met another canadian-M. M reminds me quite abit of Thomas-only less annoying. he was a "geek" and we liked alot of the same shows and movies. He was also very recently separated. In fact, on our first date he had on his wedding ring-it was on his right instead of left hand but it was still weird. Anyway, we met at a bookstore in downtown RO talked for along time and then went to lunch. After lunch I surprised myself by inviting him back to the house. Br came over and she, I, A and M all watched movies and ordered pizza. He gave me a hug when he left but that was about all. I think I heard from him everyday after that-both by phone and by email. He was coming over several times a week-almost every other day. I was kind of annoyed with him. I was also on guard because he was so recently separated from his wife-60 days. He said that they had decided to split 18 months ago but had to live together until the house sold because niether of them had the money to get their own place and pay half of the bills for the house. I believe him, but I still felt he was rebounding with me and I was trying to be on guard. We were really more friends than anything else. I was ok with that until one night he took it further. I never even tried penetration with C-we just fooled around doing everything but. I had planned on that with M but he seemed to really want penetration. I was ok with it, but he was unable to maintain an erection. Just my luck, huh? Anyway, he admitted that night that he had the same problem with his wife, that he had a low sex drive-only was horny maybe 2 times a month-and that he thought it was just his wife and would be different with me. After that night, even when he stayed over I was careful not to allow intimacy beyond kissing. For many reasons-the main one being I did not think he was over his wife and I somehow thought not allowing sex play would protect my feelings. Sadly that was not the case either. I finally did let him know I felt and we talked about it. He said that he had always had a difficult time maintaining an erection-ever since he had started having sex and that he often masturbated and came without a full erection. When he and his wife were trying to get pregnant he had a full medical work up and the dr's found no physical reason for him to be unable to maintain an erection. So, basically it was emotional. He was an only child and kind of intense and closed about more things than I am, for sure. I think he thinks there is a right and wrong way for things to be done and has a limited ability to see the shades of grey. I feel like all I see are shades of grey:) Anyway, our conversation lowered my inhibitions but raised his. I decided to look on his sexual issue as something that we could work through with support. He claimed to be in love with me after like our second week of dating. After our talk, I bought him a cock ring, figuring it would help him to maintain an erection. In hindsight, I think that is what ended our relationship. I think he would still say it was me and I still believe it is heavily influenced by the recent end of his marriage. Anyway, his wife called him at midnight monday? while he was lying naked in my bed-after the cock ring had failed-and after he got off of the phone with her he asked me if he should leave. I said ok. I guess he took it as me breaking up with him. I did tell him at the door that I did not think he was finished with his wife-but I had been saying that since our first date. Anyway, like a day later he breaks up with me in a text message saying I have anger issues. Boy did that piss me off. I have all kinds of issues and a scary temper, but I am sick unto death of men side stepping the real reason they did not want to pursue a relationship with me. I own up to my own shit and carry my own baggage and fuck if I was going to allow him to push his issues of on me with this lame ass "anger" issue bullshit. It was also difficult because I had not spent so much time with a man like that in years. I mean he came over all the time, he interacted with A, he walked Chaos-it was like a real relationship. It took alot for me to be able to let my barriers down and let him in. To have him blow it off with a text message telling me I was angry just sent me over the edge. I called in the next day and stayed home and slept and read and felt sorry for myself. I texted him wednesday and told him how hard it had been to allow man that kind of intimacy and how low he was to break up with me in a fucking text message. I pointed out to him that when I had issues I always discussed them with him, in an email, by phone and face to face and that he owed me the same in return. All he kept doing is sending me text messaes saying he apologized. Sorry does not mean shit to me, it never has, fix it, don't apologize for it. Finally on thursday I called him and the chicken shit actually answered the phone. I cried, I bitched, I gave him a severe dressing down. Finally I pointed out to him that I was not "angry", I was aggressive. I hate that women who are not afraid to be themselves and ask for what they need are considered angry bitches. If I was a man I would successful, as a woman I am angry. I pointed out to him that I did not have road rage, get into it in grocery stores, restaurants, at work or with neighbors. Angry people usually have multiple confrontations-even they are only verbal. I asked him to name a time I was angry and he said I was angry with A. The truth is he does not approve of how I parent. Most people without kids think they know dick about parenting. The truth is I am a parent and I struggle, how the hell is a non-parent going to know ANYTHING. He basically was sheltered and had some trauma from his dad divorcing his mom and his step-dad being an alcoholic. In all honesty I think he suffers from major depression. I think that is why he is so odd and has the problems he has. I also challenged on some of his "knowledge". He does not think much of his looks, but he does think he is very smart and I think it was a given in his marriage and probably most of his relationships that he was the brains of the operation. I know without a doubt that I am ever bit as intelligent as him and I think he felt insecure about that. Either way, after our discussion and me calling him on bullshit I think he felt worse, but I sure felt better. When he first dumped me by text with the whole "I hope you find what you are looking for" bullshit-that is totally inappropriate for the depth of our relationship. I told him that Karma was a bitch and I hoped that when he secured his baggage and was ready for the real thing he met someone just like him, LOL! Who am I kidding, he will never secure his baggage because it is easier for him to find fault with others than to see his own part in it. I did point out to him that the only thing his wife and I had in common was him and that it was my experience that when you found the same thing with every person you were with-it is you and not them. He somewhat agreed. He just seemed so disconnected, it was weird. Not even 72 hours previously he was so in love with me and I was so perfect, etc, etc, etc. You would think, wouldn't you, that after him I would learn to listen to my instincts-sadly that is NOT the case.
Which brings me to my lastest fiasco. Friday, after a rough week at work and dealing with the M thing-I nicely discuss with A that she has got to do better. Complete and turn in her homework, get up on her own in the morning, help around the house, etc, etc. I found out she had skipped a class and put her on semi-punishment. I let her know exactly what I expected and that after she did what she needed to she could earn her privledges each day. I was talking I on the phone when she tells me she needs to talk to me. She wants to run away and wants me to just let her go. She was not crying or upset, but I was just like what the fuck, you have got to be kidding me. I aksed her what she thought would be different someplace else-everywhere you go people will have expectations of you and often you will not to do what is expected. I also pointed out that another mouth to feed was expensive and what made her think any of her friends parents would be able and willing to afford raising her. I asked what was so awful about living here. She said it was not me she just needed to get away. So, I called my mom who agreed to keep her for the weekend. I had to work and could not handle her being home alone and possibly running away while I was at work. I also was angry with her for using running away against me. It makes me hesitate to punish her because I am always afraid I will come home and she will be gone. She has had such a sheltered life and I do not think she has any idea of what it would be like to be a 15 year old making her own way in the world. I am hardly a model parent and no where near mom of the year, but she has not had a bad life and I think she owes me more than this. It turned out to be a good thing she went to my mom's. I had a much needed break and she decided home was not so bad after all. She kept pushing me to pick her up and she was ready to come home now. I did not pick her up until 9pm and told her I needed some time to myself and she would just have to lie in the bed she made for herself:)
Anyway, friday after my mom picked her up, I was hurt and vulnerable and a guy I had been talking to online-another M, we'll call him Ma called me. We got to talking about 11 pm he talks me into coming over. I agree, because I was just that vulnerable and just that needy. Anyway, he gave me a message-he has had professional training-sucked my toes and we ended up having sex. Really good sex. His dick was quite large-both length and width and he was good with positions-I really needed that. Anyway, he now wants us to be together, stop dating other people, etc. He is also high maintaince-if I do not respond immediately to his text I am too busy or with someone else. His suspicion of me confirms that he is likely a cheater-people who do not cheat usually are not as possesive. He also has some self-esteem issues. In him I saw a mirror of myself-dating man after man after man-desperate to no longer be alone. I kind of figured he could just be my fuck buddy-I had already decided after M to take a break from serious dating and just have some fun. However, when I was so busy at work and not returning his texts in a timely manner he coped an attitude. He also flew off the handle when I said I did not date men for their physical looks but for their personality. He said, "well, lots of women want to be with me so do not be dating me out of pity." I explained that beauty is only skin deep and a man who's personality I am attracted to I am usually attracted to physically. Physical alone is not enough to keep or even interest me. Anyway, he kind of calmed down after that. He also is big time into the church-though he apparently does not believe in waiting until marriage for intimacy-and is very concerned about me being Buddhist. I explained Buddhism to him and let him know that I would go to church with him if he liked but that I would NEVER be a christian-it is not for me. Anyway, he came back over sunday night and we had sex before I went to pick up A. The sex was not that good the second time and he is so big it hurt. Plus he kept pushing me to take my ad off of the free dating site-to appease him I put up that I was taking a break from dating-but he said that did not mean anything and he wanted me to put that I had met a man, etc. Now, mind you he has not changed his ad-but he claims he does not have access to change his, but he does have access to view mine. LOL, men! Well, he does not know it yet, but I have seen him for the last time. I am going to casually date and may go see C again-he and have been exchanging emails since we stopped dating and he has expressed how much he misses me. I may see him everyother week or so on his terms and continue to date-but not as seriously.
So, that is my love life month to date:)

2008-10-19T19:51:00.000-04:00

On the sex front......
So of the guys I have dated this year, who was the best at what?
We will start with B-he came in a few minutes but he was the best kisser ever. I date so many men with thin lips I forget what it is like to kiss a man with full lips. He licked, nibbled, gently, softly-it was enough to make me want to cum-just from kissing him.
Then there was J-we never actually had penetrative sex-and he was a sloppy kisser and grabbed my breasts way too hard-but WOW did he give the best head ever. He clearly had a lot of practice because I think I saw stars.
Then there was C-who I also never was penetrated by-we did everything but-which was really nice. C made me feel like a sex goddess. I truly felt beautiful and desirable. He was always hard around me-he was the oldest of all the men I dated and he stayed hard the most, interesting, huh?-and when I took my clothes off-especially my shirt-his lit up like he had never seen a naked woman before. I truly felt sexy, desirable and wanted with him. He was the first man I ever willing took time and effort to take sexy pics for. He loved them all.
Then there was M, well M the first, M the canadian. He also made me feel perfect, well not perfect so much as ideal-but he shattered it at the end by wiping his emotional shit on me. Ah well, no doubt it is tarnished by own anger-LOL! Anyway, he was the gentlest, he handled me like I was breakable-like I was made of spun sugar and crack and disintigrate under too push pressure. I have never had anyone lick my nipples like he did. WOW I could have cum from that alone. He was passable at giving head, but his real gift was sucking my neck-like a fricking vampire:)-and making sweet soft love to my sensitive nipples.
M the second, Ma-now he, he had a HUGE penis. I mean length and girth-and he knew how to use it. He was also a positions guru which I love. Now major position changes, but slight variations which changed the way he felt inside of me-and boy was inside of me. I had not had a man inside of me since B. It was worth the wait. If he had not been such a controlling jerk wo could have been fuck buddies-because he was so good at fucking me. His dick was just a bit too big, there was blood when I wiped myself after he had me. I also screamed for him-whcih I am not sure I have ever done for a man. I think I was partially screaming because it hurt and partially because it felt so fucking good and then he would move my leg or my hips just slightly and I swear I saw stars.
Ah well, now it is just me and my favorite silver vibrator, sigh. Of course, no one makes me cum like I make me cum, so I am guarenteed hours of orgasmic pleasure-but still. I miss the cuddling. I would have to say M the first was also the best cuddler.
Huh, well, there is my sex with the ex's update:)

2008-02-26T14:09:00.003-05:00

I have been needing to blog but not had the time. Let's see........
On the work front....
We have 2 new employees, both RSR's-niether of them the greeters we hired in Decemeber. The full time is a transfer from SCS. She seems nice but I have heard that she had some management issues at SCS. Both KB and myself are easier going than the management team at SCS, so she might be fine. The other RSR is part time and a new hire. His interview was incredible and his enthusiasm is annoying but I believe it will pay off in the long run. I am on vacation this week and have to say I am not missing work even a small amount.
I did not go to Con this year. Well, B and I went for the drumming on friday night and I got a chance to see T & L. I was unable to get rooms in the hotel-it just filled up really quickly and I was at a nicer hotel around the corner, but part of the reason I enjoy the hotel so much is the convenience of wearing slippers and not dragging around a coat. Staying in the other hotel still required me to drive and park plus it was more expensive than the regular hotel-it just did not seem worth the expense. I took a look at the schedule and there was just not that much I was interested in. It feels weird to miss it, but at the same time, ok.
On the dating front......
Well, I have stopped dating B. Fast, wasn't it? I feel like if I had blinked I would have missed the whole thing. I can not say what really happened. Suddenly he stopped really calling, than he missed one of our dates, he had an attitude and seemed to argue about every little thing. I assumed that he has either gotten back with his, met someone else or just lost interest. I let him know it was no big deal and that I had no ill feelings. He assured me that he wanted to date me, that he was not seeing anyone else and that he was just "flaky" and caught up in "bullshit". Whatever that means. So, we made up, I let him know that he would have to be better or he would be gone. All was well for like 3 days-then it was back to the same bullshit. He stopped having anything to say on the phone, stopped answering when I called, if he called me back he would be dry and have an attitude. It was the oddest thing. Finally last sunday I let him know that I just could not play this game anymore-he won and I bowed out. He seemed highly distressed that I dumped him, but not enough to pull it together. We semi-talked through out the week. Wednesday was my last work day before vacation an he was scheduled to work so I figured we would talk then. Of course, he called in, LOL!!!!! Anyway, we talked the next day and agreed to get together and talk. Then he bullshitted on the day and time-so finally I gave him a day and time. So, we got together saturday. There is no communication between us. I honestly believe that he may be the only person I have not been able to understand or make understand me on an emotional level. He honestly seemed bewildered and hurt that I just give up when he acts like an ass. I tried to explain what i wanted from him-what he was giving me not even 30 days ago-attention, contact. He did not seem to see how tha changed and shrugged it off like he has always been that way. Then he kept trying to argue with me about us seeing each other. In all honesty it was like he wanted us to fight. Well, I let him know that I am who and what i am and what I want and need is non-negotiable. If we can not get along less than 60 days into dating what is the fucking point anyway? I was going to sleep with him one last time as like a good-bye fuck-since he asked me to and I did not really mind-who knows how long it will be before I have another sexual relationship. He was surprised and happy I agreed than let me know he was heading to a friends house afterwards. I had let him know a few weeks ago that I do not like him dropping by for sex-it made me feel like a booty call. So I let him know that I was not into the sex. He must have spent 30-45 minutes arguing with me about it not being a booty call. I tried the therapy technique of telling him how it makes me feel and that I would not ask him to do stuff that made him feel bad. He still argued it and even walking out of the door seemed surprised that I did not give in and do it. I waived him off, shook my head and wondered to myself why oh why I even bothered. I was still laughing about it yesterday and even called him to let him know, hey no hard feelings. Of course, he did not answer my call nor did he call me back. Today I feel kind of bad about it. Not the break up-if you can even call it that-so much as frustrated at our lack of ability to communicate. I think he has issues and as a man and not a very smart or introspective one, is not really aware of how his issues impact his life. I am sure I could help him, but I am done with that shit. I have helped too many men and am no longer interested. Plus the pay off would be him-a 32 yr old man with 2 kids, living with his mom, under-employed, pot smoking, not that smart, ok in bed with committment issues. Yikes!!!!!!! Not worth the effort. I never thought I would meet a man who likes to fuss and fight-weird. Usually the girls keep up the drama. I also think he felt insecure with me because I am out of his comfort zone and tried to compensate for his insecurities by behaving in ways that made me insecure. It worked for a minute. Fortunately, I am old enough no to know that it takes to play a game and what is worth my time and energy and what is not. I am anxious to see what it will be like to work with him again. I do not anticipate any real issues-despite what he may feel he has never seen my nasty or even disagreeable side. I think by choosing not to argue with him he thinks I can not, so if he is nasty I will put him in his place and that will be the end of it. I do not think I will date at my work again either way.
~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2008-01-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

Two posts in almost the same week, that must be almost a record for me:)
Let' s see on the work front......
E moved to part time and we could not get the approval to replace her. It appears that something has been worked out and we are now going to get a part time RSR. It is a position that SCS got approved and posted for, but who is actually going to work at our store. So, we are doing intrviews. I am pretty sure we will hire one of our current greeters. I need to talk to KB but I think we should go with C. C and R are both greeters since the beginning of December. I like R alot, she is nice, sweet, good with customers and just a really nice person. Also, she is settled and that would be a nice addition to our staff. However, she is needy. She has had issues with A and E and she always wants to leave early and has called in a few times. I also feel like she is just doing what needs to be done to make ends meet and the moment something else opens up she would leave with little or no notice. She wants to make more than we pay and I do not think she is really prepared for the reality of working retail. I also am not sure she would be able to handle the quota and bring in sales and business. I think she is nervous about it too. Niether prospects really build my confidence in hiring her. On the other hand C is very attractive, the staff and customers love her, men come in to see her and I think she could hit and exceed her quota just by playing on her looks-especially in our location. I like R better and I believe that K does too. I just think that C is the better business choice and that is going to be a difficult call to make. It will be akward as hell hiring one and not the other and is sure to cause hurt feelings whoever does not get hired. I just need to know how KB feels. He has been so mellow lately and we seem to be trending on getting along better. I have heard that his wife is pregnant with baby #7, so maybe he is motivated to really make our store work. I do not know. Whatever it is, it seems to be working out for the best for us both.
On the friend front.......
I am talking to CL alot. She moved recently to RO and her moved in with her. She seems happy with the move and her mom. She also decided not to see men for a while which I think is a realy good idea. She is trying to make better choices and I support that 100%. I also see her fear that she will always be alone. She is trying to resign herself to it, but I really do not think it has to be that way for her. I think she can find someone who loves and suits her and be happy. I know she also thinks I will ultimately end up alone and I think in a strange way it comforts her. Makes it easier for her to be alone. She says that we have many of the same issues and fears, they just manifest very differently in us. She is right. I too am afraid to be alone, but rather than pick up every loser that comes my way, I shut myself off and look for reasons to push men away. I have been through periods in my life where I thought I was resigned to being alone. There have even been times when I believed myself that I was ok with it. Yet, I know that is not true either. I am just crippled by fears and my own worst enemy-just like she is. I see her growing and maturing and I know she will be ok. It is difficult for her in a way it is not for me. I have always envied her ease with people, men, sex and situations. She is in her element where ever she is, she does not blend in, but she can find her place. I feel like I am always odd man out-I can fake it and often do, but I do not really fit, do not really have a place. Even when I find a niche I am not really comfortable there. I only recently realized that she envies me my maturity. In both of our cases, our greatest strengths are also our greatest faults, life is odd like that.
Then there is D and N. I had been seeing them alot until I started dating B. They came to my party and we even talked about vacationing together. I am hoping that even though they are back from vacation like 3 days before Con starts, that they are still planning on attending Con. It would not eb the same without them. I am kinda worried about N, she seems down. I think it is probably the winter blahs, but my instinct tells me something is off, not wrong necesarily so much as not quite right. I think Con will renew her and I hope she is able to come.
On the parent front....
My step dad is sick. He was here around my birthday for Aunt M's funeral. He looked awful, I mean really, really bad. He had prostate cancer years ago, A was still a baby. I guess he started having problems or something because he was undergoing radiation for it again. I did not realize what a toll radiation took on the body. Eventually my mom got him to the hospital-where he needed 4 pints of blood-no wonder he was so sick. He left for home just before Yule and a few weeks ago K called to tell me he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and was having surgery. W is not my real father, and I love my P alot. But, W has been in my life since I was 2, I do not have a single memory that does not include him. I can not remember a time when he was not my dad. I do not pretend that this is as diffiicult for me as it is for K, but I am more upset than I thought. I realize that why I always knew rationally that I would lose my parents, I never think about it happening anytime soon. I always thought P would have the most issues-he had heart problems, high blood pressure and stuff before I was even born. He has had a few minor heart attacks, but G takes excellent care of him. I think he will significantly longer thanks to the care she takes with him. On the other hand, now that he and mom have divorced, W has really gone done health wise. It concerns me. I am not ready to lose him, even though I do not talk to him much. He has been a constant and dependable strength in my life for as long as I can remember. Hell A spends more time with him than she does with P. I want to be there for his surgery, but he called to tell me to wait until he was better and to bring the girls to visit him. I am thinking of going over Easter-if I can get it off. Or after the family reunion. Still, if something happens and I did not take the time or make the effort to see him more I know I will regret it for as long as I live. I am not ready to start this phase of my life-caring for and worrying about my parents.
On the dating front....
after my last post I had decided to stop seeing B, but CL talked me out of it. She said that I just wanted to run away because I was scared and that in all likelihood I would end up with a broken heart and crying over this fool (I know great way to encourage me, huh?) BUT that it would not be the same as it was before. I am older, more mature and have too much going on to lose it over a man, any man. Also, she pointed out (as have others) that no man is perfect and sometimes you have to work with what you get. She told me to think less and live more. I am happy and enjoying the company, why worry about if he is "the one" or not. So, I am pulling up my big pants and trying to just not think too much. See my problem is I analyze life as much as I live it. I am so busy trying to see what I did wrong and how I can learn from it and not make the same mistake that I allow my fears to cripple me. I have been forced to make ends meet for myself and A. I have never really had anyone I could completely depend on, that has helped me to develop what I need to be successful. It has also made me leery of trusting others and even giving them a chance. I want to control the situation, control the outcome, control the people involved, mitigate the damages. I realize rationally that life can not be controlled, trying to do so only makes me unhappy, yet I can not seem to move beyond it. So I either spend my time and energy unhappy and frustrated from trying to control everything, or I shut myself off from the world. Niether is very healthy for me. I have to find a way to make my life work as it exists, insecurities, uncontrollables and all. I have to find the way to live in the moment-which I struggle with so much. Not struggle so much as fight. Life is sending me what I need, but I have to take it and make it work, struggles and all. I can see how much happier I would be if I could just relax, let go. For all his shortcomings, I can do that with B. I do not know why, which makes me nervous when I am not with him. I am wound so tight it is not at all surprising I am crumbling under the stress. Just sitting with him on the couch is like a shelter in that storm, I do not know why and I do not trust it, but it is true none the less. So, for now, I will live today in this moment and worry more tomorrow. I always do.
Where ever you go, There you are!

2008-01-22T12:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Blog, it has been months since my last confession.......
So, update time-what's has been going on in my world? Believe it or not, not a whole hell of alot.
On the work front, while I feel better about my job, the pressure is mounting. Mostly because sales are down by so much and our state is really in an economic crisis, my store beinge located in a very impoverished area does not help much either. In retrospect I think both K and I were going through a rough patch and it kind of fed off of each other. After my melt down, I really stepped back at work. First, I decided to stop applying for manager positions right now. I feel like I can barely handle my job and perhaps I need to reassess before I take on anything else. I also decided not to cover K's ass. I was spending alot of time and effort covering K's ass, which was wearing me out, frustrating and discouraging me. It is difficult to do, but I am taking it one day at a time and letting the store look bad, even if I look bad in the process. I also decided to no longer play middle man with the staff. If they have issues or problems they need to go directly to K and not use me as the middle man. It has made my life incredibly more peaceful.
On the parenting front, things with A have been better, but we had a truly rought time. The week after her birthday A ran away. It did not last long and I actually had her back home by about 8:30 or 9, but it has to be without a doubt the most horrible experience of my life. I had been having such a rough time emotionally that I was hardly focusing on her at all. She was doing her typical not doing homework, not turning in assignments, not participating in class, etc, etc. It was parent-teacher conferences and I let her know that we were going together. I was still at work and she called to let me know she was home and kept texting me asking what time I would be home and if we were going to parent teacher conferences that night. Now, a week or so before she had casually mentioned running away. I kinda freaked out and told her how worried I would be and that I could track her by her cell phone. Well, I pulled up and could kinda tell she was not there. In all honesty I thought she was at a friends house, a day or so earlier she had lied about being on her way home and I had caught her. I did not panic at first, but texted her asking where she was. I lost the exact text, but it was something along the lines of her being safe and with good people and not to do anything stupid because she was turning off her cell phone so I could not find her. I called the police-who were useless. They did not show up to even take a report for over an hour and when they did show up they basically let me know that nothing would be done until she had been missing at least 24 hours. It was awful. I do not really know her friends because she is a teenager and we are new to this area. It is not like when she was younger and I knew all of her friends and their parents. She talks about people she knows and goes to school with, but I could not remember their names, she has her own cell phone so I do not have any numbers to contact her at. I have never felt so stumped in my life. I did not know if she was safe or in danger or if she had run off with some strange man from the internet. The police were useless, I went to her school and talked to her counselor-he was a waste of space. Finally in desperation I talked to the principal who knew who she was, who her friends were and started calling until he found her. I do not think the shock had really worn off even when I got her home. I do know that I have never been the same since. I also have never forgiven her for it, I do not think I ever will. I am changed forever by this incident. At first, I thought it was just some stunt on her part and she would be home at dark. Once it got to be like 8 and I realized that the police were not going to help at all and that i was on my own, I started to panic. I could not bear the thought of her being gone over night, gods know where. We found her just as I thought I was going to completely lose it. It turns out that she was failing most of classes-surprise, surprise and that for some odd ass reason she "always knew she was going to run away" so she just decided to do it. She was the only one of her friends who had not skipped school, so she skipped the second half of the day and then decided to run away. She took her birthday money-like $40.00 and thats all. No change of clothes, no food, nothing. She was hanging out at some girl's house who she hardly even knew. She had no idea where she was going to spend the night or what she was going to do when it got dark. When I picked her up she was crying and really had not much to say. She gave me some song and dance about being molested years ago at her dad's girl friends house, by his girl friends teenage son. I do not know if that I true or not. I have no real memory of her even spending the night with her dad. At the most it would have been once, she said it did not hurt, so I doubt he did more than scare her. Either way, she is clearly traumatized about something. So, I took her to see a therapist and got her a peditrician and put her back on her ADHD meds. I am still nervous about the whole situation and still worry about her being home alone too long and dropping her off and picking her up for school. A is such an enigma in alot of ways. On the one hand she is basically a good kid. I mean she has a smart mouth, she is lazy and talks back and her attitude leaves much to be desired-but than again she is a teenager. On the other hand, she is like a baby-wanting to sleep in my bed, wanting me to be home with her. Than she is running away, like she is abused or mistreated. I am far from the world's best mother-not even close-but still I am surprised at the running away. It makes me nervous and afraid about when to expect. I also remember running off with A's father when I was 18 and I know how my parents felt now. But if she ran away at 14, what else will she do before it is all said and done. I have backed off her somewhat-which is not good I know. I am so out of my element with her. I really feel the pain of being a single parent now. I feel like I can not handle it alone, but than again what choice do I have? She is too old to return:) I talked to my old friend Wolfgang and he told me that his ex-wife (who desperately wanted a child and they tried for years to have one) got so sick of his son ( who is the same age as A) that she dropped him off with his dad and moved back to France. I can sure relate to that feeling.
On the romance front, well, this is actually what started this whole trip down memory lane for me. For my birthday this year I decided to do a "party" at a local bar/club. I printed out a flier that I posted at work, and emailed lots of my friends. I liked the club and figured if only a few people showed up I would still have fun. I have always wanted to do a party, but being born the week before Christmas has always made it difficult. First, people often have shopping and or plans, they are also usually broke and then there is the unpredictable weather. So, I decided to give this party thing a shot and see what developed. It went well and I had a ton of fun. We got alot of snow, over 8 inches mostly starting the night of my party, so the turn out was light, but those that did turn up were fun. At the party our security guard, B, stopped me coming back from the bathroom and told me he had a crush on me. To say I was shocked would be like saying Stonehedge is a few stones in the yard. I had never said more than a few hello's and good-byes to him and was not even sure of his name. I could see he was nervous and could imagine how hard it would be to put yourself out there like that. We work together and how embarassing for him if I laughed or downed him at work. Normally I think I would have said no, but he caught me off guard, plus the circumstances and aided in large part by the alcohol I had consumed as well as both my mom and CL thinking he was cute, I gave him my number. It was weird because "L" was there. I had began seeing L again in October, Novemeber? we had gone on a few dates and talked on the phone abit. I feel no spark with him, but he is smart choice for me and if he was not such a perve, probably we would have been together years ago. Either way, it made for a good birthday. On the way home CL strongly encouraged me to hook up with one of my RSR's. He has kind of liked me since I started, but he only talks about it when he is drunk. I have seen it in his face, but he is extremely reserved and in all honesty, while I like him quite abit, I think his interest in me is due mostly to me being his boss. Anyway, B called the next day and I think I may have talked to him then. Either way, we did not actually go out until the day after Christmas, when we got ice cream. I was not that enthused about going out with him and really only did it because I know I need to stop bitching about wanting a relationship when I push the men who want me away. Before that date was even over he wanted to know when he could see me again. I was kind of surprised because we do not seem to have much in common at all. But, he was chasing me pretty steady and I liked it. So, we got together again for a movie. He talked through the movie and I still was not liking him that much. I think in large part I was and am still holding myself back. All I can see are the downfalls. I am going with it because I know that I need to work out some of my own relationships phobias and he seems safe enough. I do not know when I really started to feel comfortable with him and like him for real, but I think I do. I went from not really caring either way if I saw him again, to wanting to see and talk to him. We are opposites though and I feel nervous about taking this any further. Let me list the basics here: He is a year younger than me, has 2 kids with the same mother but he was never married to her, he has been separated from her for about 10 months. He says they were back and forth for years and that they can not get along at all. He lives with his mom, but is very active with his kids-which I like alot. He works 3 days a week as an armed security guard and goes to school for a year or so, with about a year left, he is studying to be a private investigator. He is a huge sports fanatic and is always watching a game, planning to watch a game or talking about a game. He is very quiet and seems very concerned with what I think about him. When we first started talking he told me that he knew I did not really date guys like him and asked me alot about what I wanted. I really focused on keeping it casual and that my main concerns are my daughter and my work.
Alright, my major concerns about him: first and foremost the situtation with his ex.-Why did they break up? Are they going to get back together and leave me with hurt feelings? How often do they break up/get back together? If I was not dating him, would they work their relationship out? I have noticed that other than small occassional comments he avoids talking about his ex and their relationship-which makes me even more suspicious.
Second, his motivation, he only works 3 days a week. I recognize he is in school, but he is taking classes to be a private investigator, so it's not like it is a skilled trade. It concerns me that he may have a pattern of being under-employed. I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it worries me none the less. Since my ex-husband I have made it a policy to not date men that have employment issues. I make more than enough to take care of A and myself all by myself, but I also recognize that supporting a man financially would not be for me. I do not have it in me to be nice about that kind of thing.
Third, his lack of useful skills. I think I could handle his employment status better if he was handy. He made it clear right off the bat that he does not really know how to fix things. I know it is sexist to assume he might, but it would sure be helpful to me to have someone who could do that type of stuff. In addition he does not do laundry (nor seem that interested in doing it) nor does he know how to cook (nor seem that interested in doing it either). In many ways he seems to be an almost traditional man but, not in the ways I need. I also have a feeling he is not much for cleaning. I know myself well enough to know him sitting around my house waiting for me to cook dinner and wanting his clothes washed, while I work all day and pay most of the bills is never going to fly with me. He also mentioned to me that his mother and sisters kind of spoiled him. I know lots of men like that. Women ruin their sons. Honestly, they wait on them hand and foot, do not teach them useful stuff like cooking, laundry or cleaning and set their expectations for that in a relationship. I can see why he and his ex would fight. I could not have his under-employed ass laying a round my house or running the streets with his friends, while I have the privledge of doing all of the real housework and paying most of the bills. I would send him home to his mama too. Now, to be fair I do not know the extent to which my suppositions are accurate.
Fourth, we have so little in common. We do not like the same shows, music or anything like that. I detest sports and I have a feeling he would not find most of what I enjoy entertaining. In addition he is not the sharpest tack in the drawer and I have never tolerated fools lightly. He also seems to lack imagination sexually and he comes too quickly. He also he spends too much time in the streets. He is constantly at a friends house or going to a friends house. Again, that may be because he is living at home with his mom and bored. Who knows, but I do not like it much.
Alright, the things I like about him:
First and foremost, he is very relaxed and laid back. He does not seem to really get upset or irritated and my bitchy moods seem to run off his back like water. There is alot to be said for that, even though it is just a sentence or two. I know I am moody and difficult and a pill to deal with-especially in a romantic relationship.
Second, he does not push me at all. He did not push me about our dates, he did not push me for sex and he seems very comfortable with the limits I set on us seeing each other.
Third, he wants to please me. If I tell him I do not like something, he remembers and does not do it around me. I can read him fairly easily and he seems relatively open and honest with me.
Fourth, he seems to like me so much. He treats me like I am attractive and desirable and intelligent. He seems to value me and refers to me as a "good girl". He also seems to think I am a better catch for him, than he is for me-which I am. I like that, alot.
The bottom line is he is not someone I would have chosen for myself. He is tall and attractive and very sweet, but he makes me nervous. I am afraid of falling for him and getting sucked to his level. I am also afraid of him cheating or still seeing his ex. I am afraid that we just are not compatible. I compared our horoscopes-I am a match for his horoscope, but he is not a match for mine. It is stupid and I do not place alot of weight in such things, but after K who was so incompatible with me I did promise myself I would not again hook up with a negative horoscope sign. I feel bad when he spends money on me because I know how much I out earn him. I am concerned that he is using me to make his ex jealous. I am concerned that he is using me because I am stable and have a good job. I am afraid of making a bad choice in dating him. I am afraid of getting hurt and looking a fool. I am afraid that the only reason I am so into him is because I feel desperate and out of options.
I know rationally in life and love their are no guarantees, but he is so far out of my comfort zone that I feel nervous. I am going to to talk to him, hopefully soon and get an understanding of where we both stand. I know that I can not push him away and expect it to be anything. I also know that I can not move too quickly and expect to not get hurt. It is good to get out what I am thinking and feeling so I can face it.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!!!

2007-09-28T21:46:00.000-04:00

Well, what can I say, life sucks and my helmet is the size of a dime. In all honesty I think I believe I am having a nervous breakdown. It baffles me because I can see clearly that I am allowing myself to be upset over the dumbest stupidest stuff in the world, yet I can not seem to stop being upset and hurt by it. I feel like every little thing said to me is like a razor tearing me to pieces. I feel like I am hanging on for dear life with both hands and both feet and still losing my grip. I am literally coming apart at the seams. I am not talking a bad day here and there, I am talking a bad month with a good day here or there. The worse is that I can not seem to get a real handle on it for more than 8 or 12 hours at a time and then I am back where I started. I am kind of a cold bitch and not much of a crier but so help me I have cried more in the last week over absoluelty nothing than I cried when I lost the girls or when my brother died. This stressfull time I am going through is NOTHING in comparison to what I have gone through in the past-yet it is taking over my life. I feel like I can not handle anything. All I can think about is myself and my needs and my stress-I can not look past myself. Thank whatever Gods there are, whereever they may be that A has taken this time to be relatively easy going-because I am not sure if I can take anymore. I will not go into the petty, rediculos, assinine bullshit that I am allowing to tear me apart-because it is nothing in the long run. The truth of the matter is I am having some kind of fucking psychotic break or melt down. I always poo-poo'd anxiety, depression, mood disorders as people being unable to handle life and seeking safe haven and plausible deniability in drugs. But my god, if this is what Je or K or even my mom go through-it sure explains a fucking lot. If not for A I do not think I would even get out of bed or answer the phone. I am lying all of the time to everyone and even engaging in actively instigating bullshit-which is really not like me. No one loves gossip more than I do-but I seem unable to stop even when I know it is harming me. It is almost like I am not myself and am trapped in my body watching someone else live my life. I am sabotaging myself for no good reason and not sure how much longer this can continue. I am not sure how much longer I can continue. When I do finally manage to get a handle on things-something else goes wrong-it is like a nightmare from which I can not wake up. The worst part of it is I can see-clearly see that I am over reacting, sabotaging myself and that this whole incident is rediculos-yet, I still can not stop it. I feel like I have dug myself into a pit so deep I can never climb out, like I am in the bottom of a well and looking for daylight to find my way out-but can not find it. I am mean, cruel, vindictive, judgemental, back stabbing and a true bitch. I remind myself of Sh-the person who trained me when I first started with the company. She was such a fake bitch-smiling in your face and stabbing you in the back and instigating stuff everywhere she went. I was irritated by her but at the same time felt sorry for her. I could see that she was so unhappy and that was why she acted like she did. When did I become that unhappy? Why am I that unhappy? The last year has been the most rewarding career and finance wise-yet I am unhappier than I have ever been. I can not blame it on the job or the stress or being a single mom-clearly it goes much deeper than that. I find myself afraid to really look inward to what is upsetting me-which is not like me at all. In fact, usually I over analyze myself down to the last little tidbit, but now I do not even look at myself in the mirror. I feel disconnected to my life-my friends, my family,my job-even my daughter. I feel like I could lose it all and not really care. Truth be told I want to escape, leave it all behind me, disappear-I really want to not exist at all. I am going through the motions ( well, mimicing the motions anyway) of a real lfe but meanwhile my life is cracking and breaking off into small pieces more and more every day. I am not sure how or where or when this will end. I am not sure what form my life will take after this but it is what it is. I feel how I feel and no amount of wishing I did not feel this way or teling myself how stupid this is helps in the least. Now I can not sleep again, it has been 3 days since I have had any real rest-which always makes it worse. Just when I think I can not take it another second and I am going to tear my clothes off, pull my hair out, curl up into the fetal position and scream until I lose my voice-I will have a few hours of respite where I am normal and rational again. Each time I come up for air, I think I have finally learned to tread water and all will surely be better-then I start to spiral downward again. I want help and have actively sought help-but it has not been very helpful. As common as depression and anxiety are in this country you would think help would be easier to obtain-but that just is not the case at all. I mean I was to the point where I just could not stop crying and for no reason at all and STILL can not seem to get help. I do not know where I am going with this but I am headed to bed to toss and turn, have bad dreams and worry. In the morning I will promise myself to take this day as a new day and not do any of the wrong stuff I am not supposed to, maybe tomorrow it will actually work for me.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2007-08-24T11:53:00.000-04:00

Irene Morgan Kirkaldy, a black woman in 1944, refused to give up her seat ona Greyhound bus headed to Baltimore. She was arrested and jailed for herbold move, but her contributions resonated. Kirkaldy died last week.Irene Morgan (1917 - August 10, 2007), later known as Irene Morgan Kirkaldy,was an important predecessor to Rosa Parks in the successful fight tooverturn segregationist laws in the United States.Like the more famous Parks, but 11 years earlier, in 1944, the 27-year-oldBaltimore-born Morgan was arrested and jailed for refusing to give up herseat on an interstate Greyhound bus to a white person. In July 1944, Morganwas a 27-year-old mother of two, living in Gloucester County, Virginia. Shehad been ill and one Sunday morning she boarded a Greyhound bus forBaltimore, where she was to see a doctor. She sat down four rows from theback of the bus, in the section for "colored" people. When a white coupleneeded seats, the driver told Morgan and her seatmate to move farther back.Irene Morgan refused.The bus driver stopped in Middlesex County, Virginia, and summoned thesheriff, who tried to arrest Morgan. She tore up the arrest warrant, kickedthe sheriff and fought with the deputy who tried to drag her off the bus. Hesucceeded, however, and Morgan was jailed for resisting arrest and violatingVirginia's segregation law.When she went to court, Morgan pleaded guilty to the first charge (resistingarrest) and paid a $100 fine. She pleaded not guilty to the second charge,but was found guilty and fined $10.Morgan appealed her case on the conviction for violating the segregationlaws and her lawyers appealed all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. In1946, the justices ruled 6-1 that Virginia's law enforcing segregation oninterstate buses was illegal.Her case, Irene Morgan v. Commonwealth of Virginia 328 U.S. 373 (1946) wasargued by Thurgood Marshall, the chief counsel of the NAACP and laterhimself an Associate Supreme Court Justice. The action resulted in alandmark ruling in 1946, which struck down state laws requiring segregationin situations involved interstate transportation. Marshall used aninnovative strategy to argue the case. Instead of relying upon the EqualProtection clause of the 14th Amendment, Marshall argued successfully thatsegregation on interstate travel violated the Interstate Commerce clause ofthe U.S. Constitution."If something happens to you which is wrong, the best thing to do is have itcorrected in the best way you can", said Morgan. "The best thing for me todo was to go to the Supreme Court."Despite the successful ruling, Southern states refused to obey Morgan v.Virginia. Morgan's case helped inspire in 1947 the first Freedom Ride,during which 16 Civil Rights activists rode on interstate buses and trainsto challenge the South's continued and calculated defiance of the SupremeCourt's edict. The 16 activists were black and white members of the Congressof Racial Equality (CORE) and the Fellowship of Reconciliation. The travelswere called the "Journey of Reconciliation". They lasted for two weeks andresulted in twelve arrests."[W]hen something's wrong, it's wrong. It needs to be corrected", saidMorgan years later. Morgan's story has been mostly overlooked by historybooks, but she has been collecting honors in the past few years since 1995,when she appeared in a public television documentary about her case and theJourney of Reconciliation.In 2000, Morgan was honored by Gloucester County (Virginia) during its 350thanniversary celebration. And in 2001, President Bill Clinton awarded her thePresidential Citizens Medal.She died on August 10, 2007 in Gloucester, Virginia at her daughter's home.She was 90 years old.(source - wikipedia)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irene_Morgan
***Wow!!!! As much as I think I know about Black History-the less I know in reality. I find it hard to believe that with the multiple Black History and African American studies not to mention Women's Studies courses I have taken in college I never once ever heard of this woman. Makes me wonder how many more like her are out there just awaiting the publicity.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!!!

2007-07-08T01:32:00.003-04:00

More Current Stuff: Today's Topic is WORK

Well, we are short staffed and according to my DM, we will not be given the approval to replace the CSR we lost last week.

First on the CSR we lost week, D. D was hired by K before I started at my store. Apparently he worked as a temp and a greeter and when the position opened up K agreed to hire him. He must have been very different as a greeter than he was as an employee. D was a problem from the beginning. It was not usual calling in or even really escalated customers-though it was getting to that point. Mostly it was just D's attitude, he was sullen and argumentative. Everyday it was like he did not want to be at work. Now, we all have days where we do not want to be bothered and truly wish we did not have to get out of bed, but D was like that everyday. He was always wrinkled, never combed his hair, or shaved or even washed his face.
~~~Interrupted, will complete later

2007-07-08T01:32:00.002-04:00

More Current News: Old friends update

A few years ago-around the time I first started working for VZW, I cleared alot of older friends out of my life. Not all of it was by design-quite abit was just happenstance. They moved, I worked more and saw them less. My focus in life changed and we just did not have the time we used to have. Some was due to their lives changing and one was due to a falling out.

I will start with T. I actually met T through Ch. Ch had met him online in a pagan chat group and she was playing match maker with us. Well, T was much more interested in Ch romantically than me-even though Ch was married at the time, but in the end we did become friends. T, Ch and I had a falling out-to be honest I can not even remember what it was about. I do remember that once Ch had split with Je, her husband, she briefly dated T. Well, really she lead him on. It bothered me. Perhaps I was jealous-I doubt it-or maybe it just bothered my innate sense of right and wrong. Ch knew that T had a huge crush on her and she used it-and him-to get clothes, theatre outtings, dinner, movies, etc. Ch was already sleeping with someone else, Ju-a man she had in fact been sleeping with since before she and Je split up. She knew she had no real interest in T and was just using him because she could. I think there is no more wrong behavior than using someone's feelings to manipulate them. Well, after some months I emailed T about the 9/11 bombings and we began to talk again. Before I knew it we were good friends. He was very supportive and at one point we almost semi-dated. Nothing much ever came of it and I can honestly say, thank the gods (as I am sure he can say as well). The summer I started at VZW was the summer the 5th HP book was released. B, A and I picked up the book at midnight with T, I think that is probably the last time I really saw him. Shortly after that I started working more and he met D, whom he eventually married and had a baby girl with. We still chat every now and then-but very rarely. I am always glad to hear that his family is doing well and wish him all the best. I do not think about him much though and I am sure the same is true for him.

Next we have Ch herself. Well, she and I had a series of falling outs-which eventually led to us no longer talking to eachother at all. It started when her now ex-husband Je was found to be sexually molesting his 13 year old cousin. I was thoroughly disgusted. To be honest I had always liked Je and was surprised and shocked to learn that he was a child molester. I have to admit honestly that I have no idea what I would do if I discovered that my husband and the father of my children was molesting his teenage cousin. I hope that I would kick him out and demand supervised visitation with our chilren. It is easy to be outraged and absolutely sure of what actions you would take when a situation is not happening to you. It is much stickier when the situation is your life and not theoretical. Even with that, I firmly felt that Ch should kick him out and I tried to be supportive of her choices and her right to choose what was best for her. However, she really blamed the teenaged girl-said she chased and pursued him and down played Je's role and responsibility for his actions. Ultimately that attitude lead to us having a falling out and we stopped talking for a short time. Then she did kick Je out, started openly dating Ju-who she was seeing behind Je's back anyway and we began talking again. I had missed her and it was good to have her back. Ch is the ulitmate earth mother pagan. She believed that most ills could be cured by diet and herbs and has a vast knowledge of herbs and natural medicines. She is very hippie like had a zoo of pets living in her trailer, bathing with her and the kids. She believed we focused too much on bathing and antibacterials, never wore underwear, etc. She was definetely a free spirit. However, she was also a huge hypocrite-which is what partially led to us no longer speaking. Ch hated my friend CL, she was very judgemental of CL's life choices and most especially of her pot smoking. Ch strongly felt that drugs in general were harmful and that illegal drug use was immoral-especially for a parent. Imagine my shock when her new boyfriend Ju turned out to be a potdealer. I have a liberal view of drug use. I believe that this is my body and that it is no one's business but my own what I choose to ingest as I am a consenting adult of legal age. On the other hand, I do not use legal or illegal drugs and certainly would not date a dealer. She was driving around in the car with her kids and Ju and he had a trunk full of pot. She could have lost custody of kids and was certainly endangering them by exposing them to that lifestyle. In addition Ju had a nasty temper and had in fact thrown a plate at her in anger in front of her children-and I am sure many other incidents that she was too embarassed or ashamed to admit to me. Ju sold pot to the guests at my annual Yule party-much to my horror and even brought pot to the WOM Gathering in a public park-which was waaaayyyy against the groups rules. Ch had an immense attitude when questioned about her choices. She then got pregnant-which she claims was an accident but I am positive was on purpose. I truly believe that she thought if she got knocked up Ju would move in with her and marry her. Ch had never dated a man like Ju, usually she dated men who gave her whatever she wanted. Ju kept her at a distance, he saw her when it was convenient for him, he made it clear he wanted no children, no wife and no long term committment. I think Ch wanted that when she first split with Je, but as a year or more passed, she wanted more and felt that a baby would help her to achieve that end. Whatever the case it was-of all things-her baby shower that finished our friendship off. When she first got pregnant I agreed to host her baby shower with her mom and sister. Then, my brother died, my foster daughters went back to their families and I went into a deep depression. I had forgottn all about agreeing to host her baby shower when mid-summer she springs this baby shower thing on me. She had fallen out with her mom and sister, got all of my baby stuff and already had one baby shower put on by Ju's father's family. Now she wanted another baby shower-she had invited 50 people and was looking for me to host and pay for the whole thing. I backed out, she had a huge fit and I never returned her calls or emails. That was the end of our friendship. Odd but true. We were still on some of the same online groups and so I congratulated her when her daughter was born. Well, recently I saw that her oldest daughter had been diagnosed with kidney failure and was on dialysis awaiting a kidney. Actually, B saw her on the news and I looked it up online and was shocked to see it was her daughter. I emailed her and semi-followed the news of how her daughter was doing. I am glad to report that she did get a kidney replacement and is recovering and healing well. Ch and I still do not talk and while at times I do miss her, I can honestly say I do not miss her enough to extend the hand of friendship again. I can tell from her posts that even though 4 years have passed she is still in the same place in her life she was in 4 years ago. That in and of itself is enough to keep my distance.

Then there is CL-easily my oldest friend. I have known CL since the 9th grade when I was 14 and she was 13. We have not kept in constant touch over the years, but even after a period of not speaking for a couple of years, our friendship seems to pick up like it never stopped. I also protect myself from being too close to her. CL is great is many ways, but she carries the seeds of her own destruction within her. Also, she always puts herself first-always and that makes it hard to trust her. I know in my heart of hearts, even if she doesn't, that if it benefited her in the slightest she would do it, even if it destroyed me-and feel no guilt about it. I admire that in her and also fear it. So, we stay friends and almost more like sisters-competing, comparing and striving and she knows me better than anyone alive, at times better than I know myself. She can enlighten an issue that has been plaguing me for weeks with one comment that illuminates what I am really feeling and what really motivates me. Yet she is destruction personified, like the Yoruban goddess Oya-the river goddess-who brings life and death together. She is as smart as the day is long and a born salesmen, all of the tools she needs to be successful and then some. She is dedicated and hardworking-but always thinking she is smarter than the corporation and I see sales reps like her fired everyday. I try and tell her that even if it seems like everyone else does it and gets away with it, there are still people fired for it and to watch it. I know she pays me no mind, thinking me too timid for my position. She also makes enemies, she is loud, crass and brash-you either love her or hate or-she allows no middle ground. She tells the truth that polite society ignores and it earns her enemies-she thinks because they laugh they like her-nothing could be further from the truth. I try to school her in the knowledge that the company is smaller than she thinks and advise her on moves to advance her career. But she still sees VZW as a job with career possibilities rather than a career with life possibilities. She is still tempted by the ease of staying home with her kids and chasing her boyfriend while collecting state assistance, never advancing and making a real life for herself and her kids. She is always looking for the instant success and ignoring the hard work that goes into it. I worry about her, we are about the same age but she is immature. She seems to see no end to the life style she lives and the choices she makes. I can honestly say that she lives her life fully and will never regret not taking every chance that came her way. However, she may regret not seeing through every opportunity that she was offered. If she messes this up, I do not hold out much hope for her being other than a waitress or hustling or both. Niether options the life style that will get what she desires in life-respect and stability. The straight life is full of hard work and small promotions, but it is the life our society has designed for us. Part of growing up is finding your place in it-she can see that but can not seem to find her way to it.

Last but not least is Ca-the friend who actually started this train of thought for me. Ca lived in the seem apartment complex I lived in in R. I met her at the pool one summer with A. She has daughters 1 and 2 years older than A and they all three played together for awhile. Ca is older than me and also has children who are grown, about 5-7 years younger than I am. Ca is also different. She lives outside of the mainstream life style. She had a traumatic childhood and as such has developed into a rather different adult. She is quiet and closed and in an effort to remain so is not at all opposed to telling white lies. It never ceased to amaze me the extent to which Ca varies the truth. Much of what she says is not an outright untruth, so much as it is a very stretched version of the truth. All I can think is that whatever happened to her as a child and young adult so scarred her that this is what developed out of it-a very strong instinct to survive and protect. Yet, she is one of the nicest, kindest, most generous people I have ever met. Ca gives with her whole heart and being-whether she has it to spare or not-with no strings attached. Her gifts require and desrire nothing in return, she gives because she can and for the joy of giving-not many people can say that-in most instances I can't. She is a loving, caring and nurturing mother to her kids. I wish I had more of that in me. Her relationships with men were ultra destructive and often her down fall-I think largely because she was too scarred by her past to trust them, but needed them in her inner being to be ok. She finally met K-who is as sweet as she is and seems to love her with no expectations for himself. Her relationship with K has given me hope as I date. Ca and I grew apart as she first began driving truck, then moved out of the area. Later she moved back but in a different part of R and her girls were no longer friends with A and we just grew apart. With all of that said, I truly believe that if I had nothing and no one I could stay with Ca-both A and I both as long as we needed to. Ca is that type of person. It had been almost a year since I spoke to her. My emails never really went through to her even when we talked everyday and I had lost her phone number in my multiple phone swaps and moving, etc. I got an email from her friday. I was shocked and happy and replied immediately. I sent her my cell number since I no longer had her contact information. She called me and we caught up. I was shocked and horrifed to hear that her oldest daughter has an incurable form of cancer. I mean speechless shocked. Strangely enough I wanted to hang up on her when she told me. Not because I was angry, but because I did not want to even believe that of her daughter K. I always liked K-she was quiet and responsible and a bookworm. She was honest and could always be counted on to do the right thing. She kind of reminds me of Hermione from HP. It is unreal to me that anything could be truly wrong with her. It seems like life at it's most unfair and cruel. It personifies for me the very reason I am not a Christian. When people ask me why I reject Christianity, Judaism, Islam in favor of more unorganised religions I am often at an almost loss for words. I reject them because they do not suit me-which is no explanation at all. Yet, K's illness gives me the ground to truly explain what I feel. If God is all seeing and all knowing and nothing happens without his grace-why is K ill and dying? In what just universe would a child like her be so stricken? It is not because I fear death-because death is a natural part of life and we should not and in fact I do not fear death. Yet, this child will suffer and die without ever having really lived. She will never be a mom, probably never marry, maybe never have a true relationship. She may not even be able to finish school-as she has had to drop out for her treatments already. Why should she suffer so? How could that possibly be apart of God's plan? What good could it possibly serve? Why her and not someone who has done something wrong-like my ex-husband? Why? It is far easier for me to believe in nature and that life is just what it is-always changing with no real rhyme or reason, so why ask why, than to believe that God planned this horror for this child as part of some vast unknowable scheme. To believe so insults what this girl will suffer and if she were my child to say so to me would probably put a persons physical being in danger. This is why I am not afraid to be wrong and go to hell. 'Cause if God in Heaven allows this in his kingdom-and he is supposed to love us more than our parents do-I want no part of his heaven.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2007-07-08T01:32:00.001-04:00

Current Blog: My busy July

Well, the summer has beem flying by. A is already in Alabama for the summer and I miss her quite abit. June is over and July is moving along rather quickly. July is an exciting month for several reasons. The main reason being Harry Potter time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was supposed to premiere on friday July 13th-which I took off months ago-as soon as I heard in fact. Well, the premiere has been moved up to July 11th-B and I always see it at midnight the night before it is released-or rather than 12:01am the morning it is released. I think we have seen every movie since the third movie like that. The only reason we did not see the first two that way is because T was taking us and he would never take a day off of work for a movie. Well, as soon as I noticed that the movie premiere had been moved up-I adjusted the schedule so I could be off on wednesday instead of friday-a perk of being a boss for sure. I can hardly wait, I have to admit that the fifth book was my least favorite of all of the books-Harry was such an ass, but still, the movie will have my favorite fifth book moments: Dumbledore's Army and the twins quitting school and creating a huge swamp in the middle of Hogwarts.
The next HUGE event this month is the publication of the seventh and final Harry Potter book-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. B and I are scheudled to pick it up at midnight on the 20th. We are even ordering shirts to wear to the publication party and I have taken the entire weekend off of work in anticipation. I am also rereading the entire series-I am currently on book 4. I have read the first four books many times, but I have only read book 5 and 6 once-so it will be interesting to reread them again so I can be ready for the 7th and final book. I can hardly believe that this will be the end of the Harry Potter franchise-but at the same time I am anxious to see how it ends. Who will live, who will die, etc. I love the world of Harry Potter, but I have to admit that J.K.R.'s brilliance does not extend much past her world building. The characters have no real depth-the villains are much too flat-they lack depth which would make them frightening. A truly great villain is one the reader can understand and identify with. Voldemort does not even frighten me because he is no unreal as to be pathetic. I also see a definete lack of growth in the main characters. In 7 years Harry is not that different than he was at the beginning of the series. Yet, the world building is outstanding. I would give my eyetooth to be a student at Hogwarts, to travel by Floo Powder, To work for the ministry of magick, to store my money in Gringotts bank, etc. I wonder where she ever got such wonderful ideas and created such an amazing world, for it is the world of Harry Potter that sells the books and movies-definetely not the plot. I recently saw a History Channel special on the roots of Star Wars and I have to admit that the similiarities between Star Wars and Harry Potter were eery. Harry is clearly Luke Skywalker, Ron is not quite Han Solo-not nearly nor as self serving-but Ron neatly fits the shoes of sidekicks everywhere. In Star Wars I would say Ron is actually closer to C3PO and R2D2 than Han Solo. Hermione is not as cute or capable as Princess Leia and awhole lot smarter than her-but still, she is the female rounding out of the trio. You have Yoda and Obi-Wan in the character of Dumbledore as advisor and leader. The most similar of all you have Voldemort as Darth Vader-both inhuman, difficult to identify with and scary looking as hell. I know the history of mythology and Hero's Journey-but still even given that this is modern day mythology in the making-it is disappointing to see how heavily the paths cross. I mean take for example the Dune series. Dune could also be seen as a take on the Hero's Journey with Paul having a great and important future, his father dying which ultimately sets him on his path, etc, etc. Yet, Frank Herbert is such an amazing author that the villains have depth, the hero has faults and nothing, nothing is what it appears to be. That is the Hero's Journey as written by an author of talent.
The last and final event this July is my mom's 60th birthday on saturday the 21st. I am not sure what we will do for her. If my backyard was in better shape I would throw a party for her. As it is, I am not sure what she will want to do. To be honest I am hoping it does not take up too much time as that is the weekend HP is released and I would really like to be reading-not partying!
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2007-07-08T01:32:00.000-04:00

Catching up on my blogging Part IV: The new House

It has been ages since I have taken the time to blog.......... So much has happened and my last post focuses on my "new" job-which I will have had exactly 1 year starting Auguest 1.

First the post I never got to-my new house-
I LOVE it. Whenever I thought of purchasing a house I always thought the biggest obstacle would be financing. I could not have been more wrong. I got pre-approved for a mortgage in less than a week. What took forever was finding a house I liked and could afford. It was a nightmare-no lie. I am not one who likes shopping by nature-if ain't books, I ain't interested in shopping for it for any amount of time. So, I fugured I would find a house I liked and that would be that. I am a relatively decisive person and do not spend alot of time locked in indecision. My motto is a wrong decision is better than no decision. Man, did I ever understand house hunting. At least I had the area I wanted to move to narrowed down-F. I also had a few basics-I wanted 3 bedrooms, a basement and a garage-basement being more important than garage. I had my pre-approved mortgage and my Real Estate agent-T-and was off to the races. I fully expected to find the house I wanted in 30 days or less-HA! I swear that I saw every single house within my budget in F-bar none. I also learned abit about neighborhoods-where is a good area, a prime area and an ok area. I wanted an area without a lot of traffic and near the 9 mile and woodward area. Well, what i could afford in that area was so tiny I would have had to go outside to change my mind. Then I decided to be more open about my requirements-all I really needed was two bedrooms and either a garage OR a basement. Still no luck. F seems to have an abundance of very wet basement and/or sloping houses. I can not tell you how many slopping houses I saw-yikes! Well, after more than a month of nothing but disappointments, my realtor talked me into looking in the areas surrounding F. The very first day I found two houses I liked-the first in RO and the second in OP. It was the friday before Labor Day. At this point I was under some pressure to either make a decision on a house or to rent an apartment closer to where I worked. The drive to work was absolutely killing me and A had started school and I did not want to move her during the school year. I really liked the very first house in RO-it was large, had an upstairs, a fenced in backyard with a deck-no basement or garage-but it did have CA and a shed. I liked the way it was laid out and it had quite a bit of square footage. I saw a few more houses-none I liked that much-and then the house I currently live in, in OP. I loved the house the minute we pulled into the driveway. It has an amazing amount of brickwork-at that time it had a fountain in the front yard as well. It also has a 2.5 car garage AND a basement. The house is small, but has two rooms and a bungalo and is all tile. I really wanted hardwood floors-but tile is nice and interesting. Best of all-my absolute favorite part is the backyard. The backyard is amazing-it has a privacy fence and is mostly bricked over with several large extremely overgrown flower beds. Walking into it is like entering my own world. I could easily see myself outback enjoying a nice spring, summer or fall day. What I did not envision was the sheer amount of yardwork-astounding!!!!!!! Anyway, I loved the house right away and decided that evening to make an offer. I told my mom who insisted that i should have made an offer friday-since it was a holiday and someone who probably make an offer before tuesday. You can imagine my stress and I worried all through the long weekend that the house would be sold by tuesday. I called my agent and let her know that I wanted to make an offer on tuesday. We met at the house, I looked at it again-signed the paperwork and handed over a "good faith" deposit. Almost 30 days later I was closing on the house and moving in. It was harrowing. I did not have an exact close date-the house was empty so as soon as I closed I was freeto move in. I needed to give at least 30 days notice at my apartment but was not sure of my close date so I was not sure of when to give notice-yikes!!!! Papa saw the house before my offer and came over during the inspection and got a chance to see the inside. He liked it alot and thought it was a good decision and it is very close to where and G live. It is also very close to where my mom lives as well. We went to Cedar Point for Halloweekends the last weekend in Sept/first weekend in Oct and I closed that coming thursday. I had to pack the house and be ready to move by saturday. D & N agreed to help me move and I left Halloweekends early so I could get home and get started packing everything. I was terrified to tell K-my manager. I know my old manager-S-would never have given me the time I needed off to move. K-bless his heart-did not give me any trouble at all. He was so cool and calm-it made everything so much easier. I mostly was done packing by the time we moved on Saturday. We found A's dirty undies hidden everywhere-it was quite gross, but otherwise it all went off pretty much without a hitch. I still can not believe it. Half of my furniture arrived on friday and the rest-including my appliances-we were picking up on saturday as part of the move. It was hectic and difficult and mostly done by 8pm. It was absolutely crazy. I tell you that I could never have done it without Papa, G, D & N. Poor Papa's ghout started acting up and he was on bed rest for almost afterwards-he hung in like a real trooper though. G was like a general-directing everyone and D & N still laugh about it now. It was crazy and I was worn out and exhausted. I spent the sunday after we moved getting A's bedroom as settled as possible because she had school the next day and I still had a few days before I had to go back to work. I think I counted inventory the sunday after I moved as well. It was crazy. I unpacked the essentials and let everything else pretty much sit until my vacation the last week in October/first week in November. I did not get all of my books unpacked until February and did not get my altar unpacked and set up until at least March-probably closer to April. I still have boxes of stuff in the basement and have gotten side tracked from finding places for everything by yard work. Not that I am doing much yard work-but I am worrying about how little yard work I do and how very much needs to be done.
Well, that's all for now.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2007-07-07T13:32:00.000-04:00

These pictures are of my house The first three focus on my overgrown backyard.
The first and second pictures feature my sliding glass doors-directly off of my bedroom which are covered by a grape arbor.
The third picture focuses on the intricate brick work is all over my front and back yard.
The fourth picture was taken inside of the house and focuses on the tile that is throughout the house.

2007-07-07T01:32:00.000-04:00

2006-11-29T19:17:00.000-05:00

Forgive me dedicated blogger it has been months since my last confession.........
So, I think I left off with Cedar Point-a blast, a total blast.
Next topic was what passes for my sorry love life, probably more appropriately called my dating life.
I almost dated this summer, the same guy for a small amount of time. Like all the others he began to get on my last nerve and the sex was sorry and in the end it really was not worth my time. But, for the small amount of time I did see him I had fun. He was good for me, got me out of my comfort zone, got me to ride all of the rides at Cedar point-during which I discovered that I LOVE the Maxair. Got me out of the house, too bad it was not meant to be.
I also wanted to touch on my change in job. I had reservations about moving to my current store. It is small store and to be honest I never heard anything good about it. But, I took a chance and I have to say I am happier than I have been since I first started. The staff is small but close and the store manager is easy going and laid back. Even the customers are nicer than my old store-who would have thought.
I also bought and moved into my new house-so much change in such a short time. I, of course, need to go into more detail, but will do that later.
I am in a shitty mood tonight-tired, stressed feeling guilty and generally blue. More later.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-09-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

Catching up my blog Part III: The Cedar Point trip!!!!!!!
I do not know if it is normal for an adult to find that Cedar Point is one of their favorite places to visit, so I guess it is a good thing I am resigned to being abnormal:) because I love Cedar Point. When we went last fall it reminded me of what it was to be alive and is one of the few truly wonderful memories I have before the winter blahs set in last year. Originally, I had planned to take A and B in May when the park first opened but that was when I first began really focusing on trying for the asst manager positions. D, N and I picked a weekend at the end of June that we were at first going to use for a camping trip. Plans changed and decided not to go camping but since we both had the time already decided to go to Cedar Point instead. I knew that I wanted to return for Holloweekends and so I wanted to purchase season passes for me, A and B-which would be $300.00. Then you have the cost of the hotel. I really wanted to stay on the island because I did not want to deal with driving and parking everyday at the park and the hassle involved. Staying on the island was cost prohibitive but I felt that if we really made an effort to bring at least two meals a day-sandwich stuff for lunch and milk and cereal for breaksfast it might be worth it. Then I wanted to bring J but was worried about her experience with me mostly focusing on the rides. My mom decided to go and since she would never ride any of the rides-or so we all thought anyway-she could be J's keeper. I was shocked that my mom wanted to go. Amusement parks are not my mom's thing at all and she and I had talked about taking the kids to Mackinac Island-but to be honest A did not really want to go. I guess my mom really wanted to take a vacation with us, or needed to get away or whatever-because she went with us and it was kind of fun. My time off was adjusted at work due to staffing issues so instead of going friday, saturday and sunday we were going monday, tuesday and wednesday. D was able to get an additional day off so they went sunday and monday and left for home tuesday morning. I got up at 5 on Monday so we could pick my mom and J up on the way. I called my mom the moment I woke up because I know how long it takes for her to get ready. I really wanted to have Monday be a day in the park not getting to the park and I wanted to meet D and N so we could have one fun day together. Of course, my mom was not ready when I got there. It really irritated me too because we got up earlier so we would not lose time by stopping at her house since she did not want to spend the night here like A and B. I called her the moment I woke up so she had an hour at least to get ready. We get to her house and needs milk and diet coke and a glass of ice and a whole wheat english muffin with chunky peanut butter, YIKES!!!!!! Plus we had to fit all of their stuff into the car too. I finally pointed out to her as politely as possible (ok, not very polite but not bad for having gotten up at 5 in the morning) that it was out of our way to pick her up and that we all got up an hour earlier just so she could sleep in her own bed sunday night, the least she could do was be ready and not hold us up. She made noises about why I needed to get there so early. I thought but never said that it was my trip, planned months ago and while she was welcome to join us, we had already set our itinerary and I had made her aware of it from the get go. But, the less said the better and soon enough we were on our way. The drive was pretty uneventful and I spent most of the time worrying about whether or not I would get the asst manager position I was supposed to hear about that day. We met N, D and M at the hotel. D found a hotel online that was near the park and had a free shuttle that took us to and from the park. The hotel was cheap enough that three nights there cost less than one night in the cheapest part of the hotel on the island. The hotel also had a free continental breakfast. In all it turned out pretty good, though I do have to admit that the shuttle-waiting for it, being on it why it dropped off folks from 5 different hotels-did eat into our time at the park. Luckily we had three full days there and so it was not as bad as it could have been by far. In fact, I plan to go next summer the second week-as soon as school is out-in June and stay for three more days at the same hotel-as long as they still have the shuttle. I would not do it in the busy tourist season of deep summer, when I know the shuttles can not possibly keep up with the demand, but early June should be good. I rode the Dragster with B, D and M. It was over fast and not that bad, though I have to admit that when we hit the top and started to go down I paniced and counted to calm my nerves. The whole ride is not more than 17 seconds-which is what I kept saying to myself in line- and I can do about anything for that short an amount of time. The pictures were hilarious and I gotta get D to send me a scanned copy of the pic because the face B is making is hilarious! We went back on the Raptor-the rollercoaster where your feet dangle-hated it again-though I was not as paniced as I had been the first time I went. We rode pretty much everything we wanted to except for the Millenium Force. We decided to stay for the fireworks and laser lights show. We had ridden everything we wanted to and decided to ride the Mantis-the stand up rollercoaster-one last time before the show started. Man, oh man, oh man. Somehow D and B talked me into riding in the first car. I think I must have still been high from the job offer:) We waited longer in line to ride in the front and nothing about the Mantis scares me, so I figured what the heck. As the ride was coming back I did notice that no one in the front car looked happy, but I was not sure why. As we got in I noticed that the restraint that goes over my head and snaps in around me had dead bugs all over it. I almost did not go, but B and D looked at me like I crazy so I went. Everything was going well and it was kind of cool to be in the front and I love the park at night all lit up. Then we passed over the water for the first time. Dear me, then I knew why the people getting out of the front car were not looking so happy. Our faces were serving as human windshields-easily a thousand bugs died smooshed onto my face, into my pores. By far it was the most disgusting experience of my life. Just the writing about it makes me quesy. Needless to say after that we did not ride in the front car (hell, the front 3 cars!) on any rides, even in the middle of the day:)
My other truly memorable experience happened after D, N and M had gone home. J was super suspicious of the rides. I did not want her to get on anything she was afraid of, but I am at the Point to ride the rides and did not really want to spend time watching her ride the same boring kids rides over and over. Thank goodness my mom was there. Anyway, I had been racking my brain for a ride that would not scare J. Finally I decided on the Disaster Transport. The Disaster Transport was basically a toboggan ride in the dark. It was short but kind of cool. I liked the idea of not really being able to see where you were going and it was not scary and did not have drops or curves, etc. So, my mom decided to go on the ride with us. LOL!!!! Well, the good news is J was not scared at all and in fact liked it alot. Too bad we can not say the same for my mom. My mom was ok getting on the ride until they started to pull us up the slope where you are then dropped (gently and not a great distance) into the toboggan portion of the ride. B does the impression best, but it went something like this. "Oh my god!!!! You weren't completely honest with me, I hear the click, click, click." She screamed, "Oh MY god." during the ride-until even J was comforting her-and when it was over she refused to get out immediately and even had tears in her eyes. It was hilarious. I mean it was such a nothing ride there were not even seat belts or a height restriction. Honestly, she was shaking and unsteady leaving. We were all laughing, though I was trying to be subtle about it. The kids-including J-wanted to go right back on and surprisingly enough my mom went back on for a second round. I wish I had my phone with me so I could have recorded her voice it was too funny. When she went back to work she told her co-workers that she rode a ride at Cedar Point and they were all surprised and impressed. Somehow I do not think she shared her comments on the ride.
All in all it was a great trip. I had never spent so many days in a row at Cedar Point and it was really nice. There is so much to see and do besides just the rollercoasters and it was fun to have the time to explore other options. We are planning to go back at the end of this month for Halloweekends and we are staying on the island. I want to take one of those period pictures-where you dress up in the costumes and everything. It is only about $50.00 and since we are staying on the island we can pick a time, take a shower and dress for it. I am thinking we should do it saturday when the park is at its busiest during halloweekends.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!!!

2006-09-10T09:32:00.000-04:00

Catching up on my blog part II: On the job front!
Well, after Con, I returned home to discover that Octavia Butler had died. I think it a way it set me back to my sad winter blahs almost as if Con had never happened. I began looking for a way out of the blahs, a resolution as winter seemed never ending. I made a few decisions. I decided to focus on the controllables and work within them. My life needed an overhaul, not drastically, but my attitude and outlook. I decided that writing made me happy but I was rarely able to focus on it because I spent so much time at work and then when I got home I had my repsonsibilities to A. I felt that my whole day and outlook would be different if I could write on my lunch hours-a few stolen moments to not be present in my everyday life. My mom financed a lap top for me. I was not sure about it or if I should do it, etc. I did and while my life has since gotten so busy A uses it as much to play games as I use it for my writing, it made a critical difference for me and I believe it will in the future as well. I also got OU paid off so can finish my last class and graduate. I decided to focus on my writing and finishing my degree. I had already decided that my chances for advancement without going through sales were few, but as much as I wanted and needed out of my particular store and away from my direct manager, I did not want to leave the company until I was fully vested-which is September 22. So, I decided to go back to college, finish my degree-which the company would pay for, focus on moving to either to a different position or a different store and if nothing improves by September 22, to focus on looking for a position with another company. It was a scary prospect, but peaceful none the less. I needed to decide that my experience was coming to an end and make moves to make that happen.
You know how life is though, no sooner do you reach peace with what you have when all of your options change. Such was happily the case for me. I was at a mandatory wednesday morning meeting-on my day off, of course-with upper management-when my district managers boss announced that positions and head count were being added all across the district. Each large store which already had a store manager and an asst manager was adding a second asst manager and the smaller stores that only had one manager were getting asst managers. I looked at D (my asst manager) and she looked at me nodded. After the meeting she encouraged me to apply. I was not sure. I knew S would not back me in applying for asst manager-and it would be a long shot anyway since I would be skipping sales to go to management. The position was up for 10 days I think before I decided-on the very last day I could-to go ahead and apply. I had intended to apply to all of the stores close to me but in the end only applied to two. S (the store manager) was surprised to see I had applied and interviewed and declined me within 1 week. I was not too disappointed as I fully expected her to decline me and was in fact grateful for the practice interviewing. I had a successful interview at the other store only to find that the store manager was leaving, it was up in the air who would replace the store manager and the position was waiting to be filled. However, by that point I had gained confidence and decided to really pursue it whole heartedly. I can honestly say it was really, really rough. D saved my life. She helped me with my presentation and turned into a powerpoint which was impressive. She also gave me lots of advice and encouragement. I applied to every single store I could drive to-period. Then began the harrowing, intimidating and sometimes down right painful process of interviewing. I bought a sleek black Anne Klein business suit and set off. I took all of my declines with a good attitude and decided pretty much that I would try for CC supervisor-which is kind of a step between senior sales and asst manager. I had resolved myself to that when my DM took a personal interest in my desire to be manager. He let me know that he was turned down repeatedly for management and that he felt it was good of me to keep going and to take my feedback not personally but as suggestions for improvement. He also let me know that he wanted to keep me in his district and felt that I would do best in a smaller store. He gave two suggestions. One of the suggestions was far away but the manager was someone I knew and liked alot. The second was closer but in a not so good area with people I do not know and had not heard alot of positive things about. I took he closer one for many reasons, first I felt that I had the best chance of getting that position and second because I wanted to move closer to my family friends and that was better positioned for me to do that. The DM encouraged me and I did a phone interview with the manager and DM. I felt it was awful and that I stumbled alot and kept saying, "um, um, um". It was difficult to do because it was a conference call and the phone kept ringing, and sometimes I could not hear what they were asking me. I could not see facial expressions to get a feel for how the interview went, yikes. Well, the following weekend was our trip to Cedar Point. I will go into the Cedar Point trip in a later post, but let me say that we left for Cedar Point Monday and I was supposed to hear the final word about the position on Monday. Usually I leave my phone in my room or car but this time I draged that thing on every ride with me. D had told me that she was not supposed to say but it was 99% sure I was going to get the position. I was nervous and did not want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed with disappointment, so I was cautious but excited. After every ride, I would run to see if I had missed a call, it was harrowing. By 5 pm I figured I did not get it and was trying to resign myself to deal with the disappointment. We had taken the shuttle back to our rooms, gone to dinner and were preparing to return to the park when I got the call. A and J were making alot of kid noise and I think B had a movie on her laptop, so I indicated to my mom that this was "the" call and stepped into the hall. K (the manager at my new store) was kind of dry. I now know he is always like this and not to take it personally, but at the time I thought for sure it meant I was not getting the position. When he offered it to me I made the wise comment of which I am proud of to this day (satire) "No way!" He was so surprised by outburst he did not say anything, at which I explained that I did not think I would get it. He sounded generally surprised and ket me know that our district manager was heavily supporting me and that I never should have doubted that I would get the position. He explained that S (who knew the whole time and never said a word) refused to release me from my current position until July 31st. It pissed me off since I found out the last week in June and she could have been truly great and let me go July 1st-which would have been out of character for her. I figured she would be decent and let me go July 15th-but no, in true S fashion she held me until July 31st. Which meant that I did not get my raise or commission or anything until August 1st. It really irritated me, but at the same time gave me a chance to spend another month with the team at Sterling. I have to admit that as much as I love my team-and I do love them-I miss Sterling almost everyday.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-09-10T07:05:00.000-04:00

Catching up on my blogging part I: Convocation
Well, so much has happened I am not even sure where to begin.
First, there was Convocation back in February. I left Con intended to write a detailed blog of all that happened and how I felt, but came home to find my favorite author of all time-Octavia Butler dead-and somehow never got around to it. This past winter was really a difficult one for me. I was stifled and frustrated with my work situation. I was having a difficult time finding an rough estimation of a "happy medium" with A. I was not sure what path I wanted my romantic life (or lack there of) to take. The end of February brought Con and it was a welcome and much needed opportunity to cleanse my spirit.
Con was great this year. I am not sure if it was Con itself or just that I so desperately needed the chance and opportunity to cleanse my soul and spirit. A and I went early on thursday. This year I was smart and took the entire week off-so I was not feeling rushed for Con. We met N, D and M at the hotel. We had tried to get rooms next to each other, but because we got a room with two double beds and they got a room with a king size bed-we were in different areas. I had decided this year to bring many of my magical tools with me. Con is a time to focus inward and cleanse your spirit and I wanted to begin each day with yoga and meditation. For the most part I was able to do so.
Con is also about renewing friendships that have waned during the year. I saw T and L who it now feels like I ONLY see at Con. T and I even attended a ritual together-though both she and N were at the women's ritual with A and I. I was also able to hook up with Je and Ja. It had been a long time since we had a seen each other and it felt really good to see them again. I was surprised at some of the changes in Je, but I believe they are mostly for the best. Ja was the same and I can see how steady, easy going soul is a balm and healing for Je. It was somewhat akward with T and L and Je and Ja-given the past and hurt feelings. I have to say that I felt that T was not as sensitive as she could have been given the circumstances. But, such is life and somehow I managed to weather the thin line between supporting all of my friends and staying out of everyone's personal drama and beef. My heart was with Ja though.
The first class I went to thursday night was boring. The teacher was an author and spent most of the class trying to talk us into purchasing his books. I was irritated to say the least. The sad part is if he had spent as much energy teaching the subject as he did trying to sell his books, I probably would have bought his books to learn more. Needless to say I did not go to any more of his classes.
The more years I attend Con-the less classes I go to. There is less that I am interested in and this year I really wanted to focus on the rituals. The Women's Ritual was amazing. I feel that way every year after every Women's Ritual-but this year was special. A was in he ritual with me. She really fought me tooth and nail about going and at times I was not sure if it was best to push it or let it go. In the end I pushed it and she admitted later that she really enjoyed it and was glad that she had attended. I will not say what all happened-because that is between myself and the goddess-but let me say that it served wonderfully to renew my soul. There are no words to describe what such a ritual is like or what it offers to those who participate in it. I felt renewed, lighter, freer, at peace. It was exactly what I needed and I left the ritual as more than I began it as.
I shopped in the Merchants Room-but again the more years I go, the more things I have and the less I buy. I always try to spend at least $100.00 to support the vendors. I want to encourage and support pagan vendors and I know that many make a huge effort and at much expense to attend Con inorder to vend. I also know that many attened for shopping as much as classes. I enjoy the variety of what is offered and want to do my part to support that variety.
A made friends with a jewelry designer and spent much of Con with her and with the other 'tweeners. A has a real gift and interest for making jewelry. I wish she would focus more of her energy on it. She spends alot of her energy and time trying to do the crafts I do-like crocheting-but while she is the spitting image of me physically-we could not be more different personality wise. I try to encourage her interest in jewelry making. She is good at it and it makes her happy, but not push too hard so she will not rebel to spite me. Sigh, parenting a pre-teen is hard work!
Brooke was not able to stay a complete day-but she did wear a skirt of mine to go to the drumming and looked wonderful. I think Con is good for Brooke and she insists that Con 2007 she will stay for the whole thing and she wants to bring her friend OJ with her and have them get their own rooms and everything. She will be 18 by Con of 2007 and I think she feels like she will be able to share the truth of what we do that weekend with her mother. I hope for her sake that is the case.
My mom talked about going, looked at the site and everything for weeks but in the end decided not to go. She was feeling crowded by K and the kids and decided to stay at my house while I was gone. I was ok with it, but very irritated to return home and find she had made a mess. I can not abide chaos and disorder and was real irritated. I was nearing the end of my vacation and had only monday left off before I had to return to my job and A had school and that was going to be a day of reflection for me. Thankfully, my mom did not stay late sunday and I still had my monday to myself. In a sense I was grateful she did not attend Con. I am not sure if she would have felt confident enough to go her own way. I have no attachments at Con. A is old enough to do what interests her. I keep up with her and insisted she attend some classes-but otherwise she requires little hands on care. My friends are all there and we have some classes or rituals together and I always eat with some or all of my friends for meals-but we each go our own way. I like that apsect of Con. I think my mom would like that as well and fit right in. However, I am not sure if she realizes how very pagan Con is. My mom is really more of a hnew age christian than a pagan and I not sure how comfortable she would feel. I do not want to short change her-my mom is a woman of a myriad interests, most would be surprised at how unique-yet, if she is not comfortable she might be clingy and it would annoy me alot. I just was in a low place this past winter and really did not have the energy to spare. I am sure Con 2007 will be better.
I LOVE the drumming and D had his huge drum this year. Drumming and rituals are all Con is about for me. I am almost in a trance when I dance during it. I do not really think of anything or anyone. My heart beats in time with the drum and I move my body to the beat of the drum and my heart. It is like a moving meditation. I am truly able to clear my mind and take advantage of the clarity such a state brings. I think it went a long way towards chasing away the winter blahs.
The other ritual I attended (with T) was an Egyptian ritual where you visited the land of the dead. It was a powerful ritual about facing the choices you have made and answering for them. I have to say that I do not consider myself to be a person who has made many choices that I fear to face-with the exception of one that I do not look at too closely and have never admitted to anyone all that was involved-but I have to say that I looked at more choices I have made in my life than I realized and found some measure of the peace with the choice that haunts me still.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-09-10T07:04:00.000-04:00

These are three aspects of the Goddess from the Womens Ritual at Con .06. In black is the Crone, in red is the Mother and in white is the Maiden.

2006-09-10T07:03:00.000-04:00

Same three aspects of the Goddess, only the Mother is featured primary.

2006-09-10T07:02:00.000-04:00

Again, three faces of the Goddess, but this time focusing on the Maiden.

2006-09-10T07:01:00.000-04:00

This is the other who participated during the ritual. One the far left in a white robe, with a brown shawl is the lady who greeted us entering the ritual and marked us, to the right of her is the Mother, Crone and Maiden. In front of the altar to the far left is the drummer-who never missed a beat and kept us all in thrall and the three ladies to the right of her were the Goddess's helpers and they guided us through the ritual.

2006-09-10T07:00:00.000-04:00

This is but a small part of the many different Goddesses represented on the altar during the ritual. On the far left we have Isis with wings spread, Gaia with the world in her prenant belly, tradional Goddess candle of ancient celtic goddesses represented with soft bellies and no arms, legs or head, sexy goddess (mother goddess) with her long locks and lean body, in the back on the right we have another winged goddess-not sure who, in the back on the left another traditional neo-pagan representation of the goddes holding the triple moon over her head.

2006-06-19T19:00:00.000-04:00

"What To The Slave Is The 4th Of July?"
FREDERICK DOUGLASS SPEECH
July 5, 1852Independence Day Speech at Rochester, NY(excerpt)
Frederick Douglass (A former slave himself, Frederick Douglass became a leader in the 19th Century Abolitionist Movement)
***************************************************
Fellow citizens, pardon me, allow me to ask, why am I called upon to speak here today? What have I, or those I represent, to do with your national independence? Are the great principles of political freedom and of natural justice, embodied in that Declaration of Independence, extended to us? and am I, therefore, called upon to bring our humble offering to the national altar, and to confess the benefits and express devout gratitude for the blessings resulting from your independence to us?

Would to God, both for your sakes and ours, that an affirmative answer could be truthfully returned to these questions! Then would my task be light, and my burden easy and delightful. For who is there so cold that a nation's sympathy could not warm him? Who so obdurate and dead to the claims of gratitude that would not thankfully acknowledge such priceless benefits? Who so stolid and selfish that would not give his voice to swell the hallelujahs of a nation's jubilee, when the chains of servitude had been torn from his limbs? I am not that man. In a case like that the dumb might eloquently speak and the "lame man leap as an hart."

But such is not the state of the case. I say it with a sad sense of the disparity between us. am not included within the pale of this glorious anniversary! Your high independence only reveals the immeasurable distance between us. The blessings in which you, this day, rejoice are not enjoyed in common. The rich inheritance of justice, liberty, prosperity, and independence bequeathed by your fathers is shared by you, not by me. The sunlight that brought light and healing to you has brought stripes and death to me. This Fourth of July is yours, not mine. You may rejoice, I must mourn. To drag a man in fetters into the grand illuminated temple of liberty, and call upon him to join you in joyous anthems, were inhuman mockery and sacrilegious irony. Do you mean, citizens, to mock me by asking me to speak today? If so, there is a parallel to your conduct. And let me warn that it is dangerous to copy the example of nation whose crimes, towering up to heaven, were thrown down by the breath of the Almighty, burying that nation in irrevocable ruin! I can today take up the plaintive lament of a peeled and woe-smitten people.

"By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down. Yea! We wept when we remembered Zion. We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof. For there, they that carried us away captive, required of us a song; and they who wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion. How can we sing the Lord's song in a strange land? If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning. If do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth."

Fellow citizens, above your national, tumultuous joy, I hear the mournful wail of millions! Whose chains, heavy and grievous yesterday, are, today, rendered more intolerable by the jubilee shouts that reach them. If I do forget, if I do not faithfully remember those bleeding children of sorry this day, "may my right hand cleave to the roof of my mouth"! To forget them, to pass lightly over their wrongs, and to chime in with the popular theme would be treason most scandalous and shocking, and would make me a reproach before God and the world. My subject, then, fellow citizens, is American slavery. I shall see this day and its popular characteristics from the slave's point of view. Standing there identified with the American bondman, making his wrongs mine. I do not hesitate to declare with all my soul that the character and conduct of this nation never looked blacker to me than on this Fourth of July! Whether we turn to the declarations of the past or to the professions of the present, the conduct of the nation seems equally hideous and revolting. America is false to the past, false to the present, and solemnly binds herself to be false to the future. Standing with God and the crushed and bleeding slave on this occasion, I will, in the name of humanity which is outraged, in the name of liberty which is fettered, in the name of the Constitution and the Bible which are disregarded and trampled upon, dare to call in question and to denounce, with all the emphasis I can command, everything that serves to perpetuate slavery-the great sin and shame of America! "I will not equivocate, I will not excuse"; I will use the severest language I can command; and yet not one word shall escape me that any man, whose judgment is not blinded by prejudice, shall not confess to be right and just....

For the present, it is enough to affirm the equal manhood of the Negro race. Is it not as astonishing that, while we are plowing, planting, and reaping, using all kinds of mechanical tools, erecting houses, constructing bridges, building ships, working in metals of brass, iron, copper, and secretaries, having among us lawyers doctors, ministers, poets, authors, editors, orators, and teachers; and that, while we are engaged in all manner of enterprises common to other men, digging gold in California, capturing the whale in the Pacific, feeding sheep and cattle on the hillside, living, moving, acting, thinking, planning, living in families as husbands, wives, and children, and above all, confessing and worshiping the Christian's God, and looking hopefully for life and immortality beyond the grave, we are called upon to prove that we are men!...

What, am I to argue that it is wrong to make men brutes, to rob them of their liberty, to work them without wages, to keep them ignorant of their relations to their fellow men, to beat them with sticks, to flay their flesh with the lash, to load their limbs with irons, to hunt them with dogs, to sell them at auction, to sunder their families, to knock out their teeth, to burn their flesh, to starve them into obedience and submission to their masters? Must I argue that a system thus marked with blood, and stained with pollution, is wrong? No! I will not. I have better employment for my time and strength than such arguments would imply....

What, to the American slave, is your Fourth of July? I answer: a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sounds of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciation of tyrants, brass-fronted impudence; your shouts of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanksgivings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are, to Him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy-a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States at this very hour.

Go where you may, search where you will, roam through all the monarchies and despotisms- of the Old World, travel through South America, search out every abuse, and when you have found the last, lay your facts by the side of the everyday practices of this nation, and you will say with me that, for revolting barbarity and shameless hypocrisy, America reigns without a rival.
http://www.juneteenth.us/douglass/index.html

2006-06-19T06:57:00.000-04:00

For Many, Today Is Independence Day
By Avis Thomas-LesterWashington Post Staff WriterSaturday, June 18, 2005; Page B01

As an African American, Richard Bingham has always felt some ambivalence about the Fourth of July.

So when he learned six years ago about Juneteenth, which commemorates the day in 1865 when the last U.S. slaves were notified of their independence, he hosted a party to share food, fellowship and history with his neighbors in Prince George's County. He's repeated it each year since.

They grilled meat, a tradition started in Texas, where Juneteenth originated. They prayed over shackles and chains provided by a historian friend for ancestors who had been enslaved. Bingham dramatized "The Meaning of the Fourth of July for the Negro," Frederick Douglass's impassioned commentary on the hypocrisy of the holiday.
That small gathering has grown into Prince George's first countywide celebration this year of Juneteenth Independence Day, a once-obscure commemoration that has spread to more than two dozen states and a national program today that is expected to draw thousands to the Lincoln Memorial.

"The Fourth of July was America's independence day, not ours," said Bingham, 50, of Landover, a trainer with the Maryland Police and Correctional Training Commission. "It wasn't until almost a century later that the nation finally realized that 'We need to let these folks be free, too.'

"Juneteenth Day," he added, " is our independence day."

A combination of the words "June" and "nineteenth," Juneteenth was born out of a spontaneous celebration that erupted June 19, 1865, when Union Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger landed in Galveston, declared U.S. sovereignty over Texas and officially notified the state's 250,000 slaves that they were free. That was 30 months after President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation.

The anniversary, traditionally celebrated on the third Saturday of the month, is now observed formally in 17 states, and several others have recognized it through gubernatorial proclamations or legislation, officials said. Texas made it a paid state holiday in 1980. New York Gov. George E. Pataki (R) last year signed a law establishing Juneteenth Freedom Day. The District passed legislation in 2003 recognizing Juneteenth. Maryland and Virginia do not formally recognize it, though celebrations are planned in Alexandria, Montgomery County and Southern Maryland.
In 1997, Congress recognized the day with a resolution, sponsored by Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.) in the Senate and Rep. J.C. Watts (R-Okla.) in the House.

Two years later, a group of black leaders brought the observance to the Mall, celebrating with prayer, public speakers, poetry, song and dance.

"Juneteenth is about American history," said the Rev. Ronald V. Myers Sr., chairman of the National Juneteenth Observance Foundation. "The nation declared its independence on July 4, 1776, and the last slaves were freed on June 19, 1865. We need to acknowledge both days when we celebrate our freedom."

This year's commemoration comes as advocates are pressing national leaders to acknowledge and atone for the country's past wrongs against African Americans. On Monday, the U.S. Senate apologized for failing to ever approve anti-lynching legislation, the first time the body has apologized to African Americans. Each year, the National Juneteenth Independence Day program features a reading of the names of lynching victims.

Juneteenth advocates want the day to be established as a national observance. Myers, a physician and ordained minister from Mississippi, began a petition drive urging President Bush to participate in this year's events and to establish a presidential commission on the observance. The group is not seeking a paid holiday, but rather a national observance similar to Flag Day, Myers said.

A presidential greeting from Bush about Juneteenth was posted on the White House Web site this week extolling the contributions of African Americans, but the president said he has a scheduling conflict for today's events, Myers said.

"There is no personal acknowledgment from the president of the significance of Juneteenth or the need for healing from the legacy of slavery in America . . . even though the White House and the U.S. Capitol were built from slave labor," he said.

Myers said Bush's lack of response was particularly disappointing because of his acknowledgment of Cinco de Mayo, a Mexican holiday.

In Congress, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) and U.S. Rep. Danny K. Davis (D-Ill.) have sponsored resolutions asking for a national Juneteenth observance.

"Just like the day when the greatest civil rights leader of our time was born or the day we finally gave African Americans a ballot and a voice, Juneteenth is a day when we look back on a time when everyday Americans faced the most daunting challenges and the slimmest odds and still persevered," Obama said at a luncheon Thursday.

Beyond the national efforts, many black families celebrate the day with friends and a barbecue. In Prince George's, Bingham said the countywide event will be family-centered because of the importance of passing the history down to children.

"Somewhere in the Scripture it says that people who continue to celebrate their culture thrive," he said. "That's why it is important to continue to teach our children about their history -- so they won't lose it."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/17/AR2005061701516.html

2006-06-19T06:40:00.000-04:00

by Dan Perkins
Source: The National Juneteenth Observance Foundation
http://www.diversityinbusiness.com/dib2005/dib20506/News_juneteenth.htm
Most Americans are uncomfortable recalling the reality of slavery in America, but Rev. Ronald V. Myers, Sr., M.D., Chairman of the National Juneteenth Observance Foundation (NJOF), and others believe slavery is as defining of America as the constitution and the Bill of Rights.

"The U.S. Capitol and the White House were built through the uncompensated labor of the ancestors of Americans of African descent during the tyranny of slavery,"
states Myers who has repeatedly urged President Bush to recognize and honor the sacrifice and contributions of enslaved Americans. Thus far, President Bush has declined Myers' invitations.

Myers believes America must be healed from the legacy of slavery and the annual observance of Juneteenth in America provides the nation with an opportune time to acknowledge that need.

Juneteenth is the name given to the observance of the "19th of June, 1865, when Union General Gordon Granger announced freedom for all slaves who were still held in bondage in the Southwest. Center in Galveston, Texas, the Southwest was the last region to practice slavery in the United States following the end of the Civil War. The fact that Americans were still held as slaves more than two and a half years after the Emancipation Proclamation was issued by President Abraham Lincoln is shocking for most Americans.

After General Granger read General Order No. 3, the order that abolished slavery in the region, the former slaves celebrated jubilantly. Annual celebrations have continued throughout the African American community, and for many, Juneteenth is America's second Independence Day Celebration.

A congressional resolution recognizing the significance of Juneteenth Independence Day, (H. Con. Res. 160), was recently introduced by Congressman Danny K. Davis (D-IL) with a host of co-sponsors. The resolution also requests that President Bush issue a Presidential Proclamation acknowledging the same.

"The official recognition of Juneteenth Independence Day and the end of slavery by state governments and congress are very significant steps in bringing healing to America from the legacy of slavery," said Myers. "As the descendents of Americans of African descent, our ancestors were brought to America in chains. This should never be forgotten."

Myers hopes that the reintroduction of the Native American Apology Resolution in the Senate will result in the acknowledgement that America needs healing from the legacy of atrocities against Native Americans as well as African-Americans.

According to the National Juneteenth Observance Foundation, 17 states, including the District of Columbia, officially recognize Juneteenth as a state holiday or state holiday observance.
The states are:
Alaska
Arkansas
California
Connecticut
Delaware
District of Columbia
Florida
Idaho
Illinois
Iowa
Louisiana
Missouri
New Jersey
New York
Oklahoma
Texas
Wyoming

For more information about Juneteenth and Juneteenth celebrations, visit: http://www.juneteenth.us/.

2006-06-19T06:35:00.000-04:00

The Middle Passage

DR. JOHN HENRICK CLARKE
Nowhere in the annals of history has a people experienced such a long and traumatic ordeal as Africans during the Atlantic slave trade. Over the nearly four centuries of the slave - which continued until the end of the Civil War - millions of African men, women, and children were savagely torn from their homeland, herded onto ships, and dispersed all over the so-called New World. Although there is no way to compute exactly how many people perished, it has been estimated that between thirty and sixty million Africans were subjected to this horrendous triangular trade system and that only one third-if that-of those people survived...'

"...the average voyage took from five to twelve weeks."

The triangular trade system was so named because the ships embarked from European ports, stopped in Africa to gather the captives, after which they set out for the New World to deliver their human cargo, and then returned to the port of origin. The Middle Passage was that leg of the slave triangle that brought the human cargo from West Africa to North America, South America, and the Caribbean.

"Every morning, perhaps, more instances than one are found of the living and the dead fastened together."
John Newton - Slave Ship Captain
After several voyages, Newton quit the slave trade, became a minister, and wrote the hymn "Amazing Grace," with its autobiographical line "...that saved a wretch like me."

'It was not atypical to see a massive school of sharks darting in and out of the wake of the ships filled with human cargo plying the Atlantic. For miles they followed the battered and moldy vessels, waiting to attack the disease-ravaged black bodies that were periodically tossed into the ocean...
If the Atlantic were to dry up, it would reveal a scattered pathway of human bones, African bones marking the various routes of the Middle Passage.'

'There were successful uprisings in which the Africans gained control of the ships and were able to steer them back to their homeland. A memorable mutiny was led by Joseph Cinque in 1839. Cinque and the other rebels killed the captain and took over the slaver Amistad. They were eventually captured and tried for murder and piracy on the high seas. However, in the end they were acquitted of all charges.

'Despite the miserable conditions, inadequate space and food, deadly diseases, and the violence from crew members, millions of African captives survived, demonstrating their strength and implacable will..'
'In humankind's shameful history of forced migrations, the journey of the Africans from their bountiful homeland to the slave markets of the New World is one of the most tragic.

"But, if this part of our history could be told in such a way that those chains of the past, those shackles that physically bound us together against our wills could, in the telling, become spiritual links that willingly bind us together now and into the future - then that painful Middle Passage could become, ironically, a positive connecting line to all of us whether living inside or outside the continent of Africa..."
Tom Feelings

"One night while speaking with a Ghanaian friend, he asked quite unexpectedly,
...what happened to all of you when you were taken away from here?
I knew instantly that he meant " what happened to all our people who were forcefully taken from Africa, enslaved, and scattered throughout the 'New World'?"
He was referring to this crossing called The Middle Passage.

"As he continued to speak, muted images flashed across my mind. Pale white ships plunging forward into mountainous rising white foaming waves of cold water, surrounding and engulfing everything."

Our ancestors, hundreds of them locked in the belly of each of these ships, chained together like animals throughout the long voyage from Africa toward unknown destinations, millions dying from the awful conditions in the bowels of the filthy slave galleys.

"Who could tell this story with any kind of balance?"
Enthusiastically, I started reading everything I could find on slavery and especially the Middle Passage. I searched out and wrote down all of the factual incidents in sequential order, reading some personal accounts by former slave-ship captains, slave traders, and various European historians.
I expected the descriptions of horror of the slave forts and inhumane treatment on the journey aboard the slave ships. But some of the writers' overbearing opinions, even religious rationalizations and arguments for the continuance of the slave trade made me feel, the more words I read, that I should try to tell this story with as few words as possible, if any.
Callous indifference or outright brutal characterizations of Africans are embedded in the language of the Western World. It is a language so infused with direct and indirect racism that it would be difficult, if not impossible, using this language in my book, to project anything black as positive.
This gave me a final reason for attempting to tell the story through art alone. I believe strongly that with a picture book any African in this world could pick up and see and feel what happened to us on those ships."
Tom Feelings

And as time went on, as painful as it was to force myself each time back into the agonizing past, it was equally as painful to come back through history, hoping for relief, only to see some of the same things in the present, in America, the richest country in the world...

"It is almost twenty years later. I have finished this long 'psychological and spiritual journey back in order to move forward' with the completion of the last painting of the Middle Passage - story that has changed me forever. My struggle to tell this African story, to create this artwork as well as live creatively under any conditions and survive, as my ancestors did, embodies my particular heritage in this world. As the blues, jazz, and the spirituals teach, one must embrace all life, both its pain and joy, creatively. Knowing this is why I, we, may be disappointed, but never destroyed.

THE MIDDLE PASSAGE © TOM FEELINGS

http://www.juneteenth.com/middlep.htm

2006-06-19T06:30:00.000-04:00

History of Juneteenth

Juneteenth is the oldest known celebration commemorating the ending of slavery in the United States. Dating back to 1865, it was on June 19th that the Union soldiers, led by Major General Gordon Granger, landed at Galveston, Texas with news that the war had ended and that the enslaved were now free. Note that this was two and a half years after President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation - which had become official January 1, 1863. The Emancipation Proclamation had little impact on the Texans due to the minimal number of Union troops to enforce the new Executive order. However, with the surrender of General Lee in April of 1865, and the arrival of General Granger’s regiment, the forces were finally strong enough to influence and overcome the resistance.

Later attempts to explain this two and a half year delay in the receipt of this important news have yielded several versions that have been handed down through the years. Often told is the story of a messenger who was murdered on his way to Texas with the news of freedom. Another, is that the news was deliberately withheld by the enslavers to maintain the labor force on the plantations. And still another, is that federal troops actually waited for the slave owners to reap the benefits of one last cotton harvest before going to Texas to enforce the Emancipation Proclamation. All or none of them could be true. For whatever the reason, conditions in Texas remained status quo well beyond what was statutory.

General Order Number 3
One of General Granger’s first orders of business was to read to the people of Texas, General Order Number 3 which began most significantly with:

"The people of Texas are informed that in accordance with a Proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and free laborer."

The reactions to this profound news ranged from pure shock to immediate jubilation. While many lingered to learn of this new employer to employee relationship, many left before these offers were completely off the lips of their former 'masters' - attesting to the varying conditions on the plantations and the realization of freedom. Even with nowhere to go, many felt that leaving the plantation would be their first grasp of freedom. North was a logical destination and for many it represented true freedom, while the desire to reach family members in neighboring states drove the some into Louisiana, Arkansas and Oklahoma. Settling into these new areas as free men and women brought on new realities and the challenges of establishing a heretofore non-existent status for black people in America. Recounting the memories of that great day in June of 1865 and its festivities would serve as motivation as well as a release from the growing pressures encountered in their new territory. The celebration of June 19th was coined "Juneteenth" and grew with more participation from descendants. The Juneteenth celebration was a time for reassuring each other, for praying and for gathering remaining family members. Juneteenth continued to be highly revered in Texas decades later, with many former slaves and descendants making an annual pilgrimage back to Galveston on this date.

Juneteenth Festivities and Food
A range of activities were provided to entertain the masses, many of which continue in tradition today. Rodeos, fishing, barbecuing and baseball are just a few of the typical Juneteenth activities you may witness today. Juneteenth almost always focused on education and self improvement. Thus often guest speakers are brought in and the elders are called upon to recount the events of the past. Prayer services were also a major part of these celebrations.

Certain foods became popular and subsequently synonymous with Juneteenth celebrations such as strawberry soda-pop. More traditional and just as popular was the barbecuing, through which Juneteenth participants could share in the spirit and aromas that their ancestors - the newly emancipated African Americans, would have experienced during their ceremonies. Hence, the barbecue pit is often established as the center of attention at Juneteenth celebrations.

Food was abundant because everyone prepared a special dish. Meats such as lamb, pork and beef which not available everyday were brought on this special occasion. A true Juneteenth celebrations left visitors well satisfied and with enough conversation to last until the next.
Dress was also an important element in early Juneteenth customs and is often still taken seriously, particularly by the direct descendants who can make the connection to this tradition's roots. During slavery there were laws on the books in many areas that prohibited or limited the dressing of the enslaved. During the initial days of the emancipation celebrations, there are accounts of former slaves tossing their ragged garments into the creeks and rivers to adorn clothing taken from the plantations belonging to their former 'masters'.

Juneteenth and Society
In the early years, little interest existed outside the African American community in participation in the celebrations. In some cases, there was outwardly exhibited resistance by barring the use of public property for the festivities. Most of the festivities found themselves out in rural areas around rivers and creeks that could provide for additional activities such as fishing, horseback riding and barbecues. Often the church grounds was the site for such activities. Eventually, as African Americans became land owners, land was donated and dedicated for these festivities. One of the earliest documented land purchases in the name of Juneteenth was organized by Rev. Jack Yates. This fund-raising effort yielded $1000 and the purchase of Emancipation Park in Houston, Texas. In Mexia, the local Juneteenth organization purchased Booker T. Washington Park, which had become the Juneteenth celebration site in 1898. There are accounts of Juneteenth activities being interrupted and halted by white landowners demanding that their laborers return to work. However, it seems most allowed their workers the day off and some even made donations of food and money. For decades these annual celebrations flourished, growing continuously with each passing year. In Booker T. Washington Park, as many as 20,000 African Americans once flowed through during the course of a week, making the celebration one of the state’s largest.

Juneteenth Celebrations Decline
Economic and cultural forces provided for a decline in Juneteenth activities and participants beginning in the early 1900’s. Classroom and textbook education in lieu of traditional home and family-taught practices stifled the interest of the youth due to less emphasis and detail on the activities of former slaves. Classroom text books proclaimed Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation of January 1, 1863 as the date signaling the ending of slavery - and little or nothing on the impact of General Granger’s arrival on June 19th.

The Depression forced many people off the farms and into the cities to find work. In these urban environments, employers were less eager to grant leaves to celebrate this date. Thus, unless June 19th fell on a weekend or holiday, there were very few participants available. July 4th was the already established Independence holiday and a rise in patriotism steered more toward this celebration.

Resurgence
The Civil Rights movement of the 50’s and 60’s yielded both positive and negative results for the Juneteenth celebrations. While it pulled many of the African American youth away and into the struggle for racial equality, many linked these struggles to the historical struggles of their ancestors. This was evidenced by student demonstrators involved in the Atlanta civil rights campaign in the early 1960’s, whom wore Juneteenth freedom buttons. Again in 1968, Juneteenth received another strong resurgence through Poor Peoples March to Washington D.C.. Rev. Ralph Abernathy’s call for people of all races, creeds, economic levels and professions to come to Washington to show support for the poor. Many of these attendees returned home and initiated Juneteenth celebrations in areas previously absent of such activity. In fact, two of the largest Juneteenth celebrations founded after this March are now held in Milwaukee and Minneapolis.

Texas Blazes the Trail
On January 1, 1980, Juneteenth became an official state holiday through the efforts of Al Edwards, an African American state legislator. The successful passage of this bill marked Juneteenth as the first emancipation celebration granted official state recognition. Representative Edwards has since actively sought to spread the observance of Juneteenth all across America.

Juneteenth In Modern Times
Throughout the 80’s and 90’s Juneteenth has continued to enjoy a growing and healthy interest from communities and organizations throughout the country. Institutions such as the Smithsonian, the Henry Ford Museum and others have begun sponsoring Juneteenth-centered activities. In recent years, a number of National Juneteenth Organizations have arisen to take their place along side older organizations - all with the mission to promote and cultivate knowledge and appreciation of African American history and culture.

Juneteenth today, celebrates African American freedom while encouraging self-development and respect for all cultures. As it takes on a more national and even global perspective, the events of 1865 in Texas are not forgotten, for all of the roots tie back to this fertile soil from which a national day of pride is growing. The future of Juneteenth looks bright as the number of cities and states come on board and form local committees and organizations to coordinate the activities. Communication and networking is vital. A sharing of lessons learned throughout all organizations will help expedite this growth while minimizing waste and risks. The Juneteenth.com website can play a vital role in these efforts. Thus, it is important to communicate its existence to one and all. Contact your local Juneteenth organizer if you do not see them listed within and let them know about this site. There is no cost for organizations to post their Juneteenth festivities at the website.

http://www.juneteenth.com/history.htm

2006-06-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's Day Papa!!!!!!

2006-06-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

2006-06-18T22:51:00.000-04:00

2006-06-18T22:50:00.000-04:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY PAPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

2006-06-18T22:48:00.000-04:00

2006-06-18T22:30:00.000-04:00

2006-06-11T18:35:00.000-04:00

James Cameron; Survived Lynching, Founded Museum
By Yvonne Shinhoster LambWashington Post Staff WriterTuesday, June 13, 2006; B07

James Cameron, 92, who at 16 survived being lynched from a maple tree in Marion, Ind., and decades later was present when the U.S. Senate apologized for its failure to enact federal anti-lynching laws, died June 11 of congestive heart failure at a hospital in Milwaukee.

Mr. Cameron, who kept a piece of the rope that had scarred his neck moments before he was spared, was the only known survivor of a lynching attempt. An astute student of history, he lectured widely and in 1988 founded the Black Holocaust Museum in Milwaukee.

The museum, one of the first of its kind in the country, explores the story of African Americans from slavery to the present. Mr. Cameron started the museum in his basement, and it gained widespread support as a venue of reconciliation.

Marty Stein, one of the early benefactors, told the Milwaukee Journal in 2005 that the museum was a place "you go and ask questions and not be embarrassed that you might insult someone."
"It's a place where the two communities -- African Americans and Europeans -- can come together . . . to build bridges."

Mr. Cameron was born in La Crosse, Wis., and lived in Birmingham and Kokomo, Ind., before moving to Marion, Ind., at 14.

On Aug. 7, 1930, two years into Mr. Cameron's stay in Marion, the 16-year-old and two acquaintances were arrested and accused of murder, robbery and rape. A white couple was parked in a lovers lane when the trio came upon them and one of the group suggested robbing the couple.

Mr. Cameron later said he changed his mind and ran away before the man, Claude Deeter, 23, was fatally shot. The woman later denied being raped.

Within hours, the three young black men were in jail. A mob broke into the jail, beat them and dragged them into the street. Thomas Shipp, 18, and Abram Smith, 19, were hanged from trees in front of the courthouse. Then came Mr. Cameron's turn.

In his autobiography, Mr. Cameron recalled the raw, inhuman sound of the mob, which included members of the local Ku Klux Klan. He once said he still could remember the faces of the 2,000 white people who gathered there, some with their children. Some eating. He prayed for his life.
Then, as the noose grew tighter around his neck, a voice called out: "Take this boy back. He had nothing to do with any raping or shooting of anybody."

His neck scarred, he was returned to jail and sentenced for robbery.

After serving about five years in prison in Marion, he left to live with an aunt in Detroit. He married there before moving in 1939 to Anderson, Ind. There he owned the only black business in town -- a combination shoeshine parlor, record shop and knickknack store.

In Anderson for about 10 years, he started chapters of the NAACP throughout Indiana. The civil rights work was difficult in the Klan-heavy state, and he felt support from local blacks was sometimes lacking because of fear, said his son, Virgil Cameron. He decided to leave Indiana and go to Canada, but when he stopped off in Milwaukee, several job opportunities caught his attention.

Mr. Cameron worked in a brewery for a few years and at Milprint packaging company awhile. He also went to a trade school to become a boiler engineer. He worked at one of the biggest malls in Milwaukee, Mayfair Shopping Center, until age 65. He also owned a rug-cleaning business, which afforded him the chance to travel.

In 1979, he and his wife went to Israel, where he visited Yad Vashem in Jerusalem, the memorial to the 6 million people killed in the Holocaust. He returned to Milwaukee determined to build a museum telling the history and struggles of African Americans. He began by telling the story of the 4,700 people, mostly black, who were lynched in the United States between 1882 and 1968.

Last June, Mr. Cameron, frail and in a wheelchair, came to Washington to bear witness to the U.S. Senate apology condemning its past failures to outlaw lynching.

"It's 100-something years late," he said later. "But I'm glad they are doing it."

Besides his son of Milwaukee, survivors include his wife 68 years, Virginia Cameron of Milwaukee; two children, Walter Cameron of West Palm Beach, Fla., and Dolores Cameron of Chicago; five grandchildren; six great grandchildren; two great-great-grandchildren.© 2006 The Washington Post

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/12/AR2006061201594.html

Companyhttp://www.blackholocaustmuseum.org/founder.html

Founder - Dr. James Cameron
James Cameron is founder of America's Black Holocaust Museum and America's only living survivor of a lynching. In August, 1930 when Cameron was 16 years old, he was falsely accused of participating in the murder of a young white man in Marion, Indiana.

As a result, Cameron witnessed a mob of 15,000 people beat and lynch his two friends.Miraculously, Cameron survived his severe beating and attempted lynching; however, he was immediately sentenced to four years in the state prison for accessory before the fact to manslaughter. Ironically, no one was ever accused, arrested or charged with the murder of Cameron's teenage friends, nor for the beating Cameron suffered.

Because of this personal experience, Cameron dedicated his life to promoting civil rights, racial peace, unity and equality. His commitment is evident by his founding of three NAACP chapters in Indiana during the 1940s, and becoming the first president of the NAACP Madison County Branch in Anderson, Indiana.

Cameron also served as the Indiana State Director of Civil Liberties from 1942-1950. In this capacity Cameron reported to then Governor of Indiana , Henry Shricker on violations of the "equal accommodations" laws to end previously mandated segregation.

During his eight-year tenure, Cameron investigated over 25 incidents of civil rights infractions and faced many acts of violence and death threats for his work.

Repeated threats of violence against his family forced Cameron to relocate to his birth state of Wisconsin in the early 1950s. Cameron continued his work in civil rights by assisting in protests to end segregated housing in the City of Milwaukee.

During the 1960's, Cameron participated in both marches on Washington; the first with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and the second with Dr. King's widow Coretta and the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

During the seventies Cameron published literally hundreds of articles and booklets detailing civil rights and occurrences of racial injustices.

In 1988, Cameron founded America's Black Holocaust Museum to document racial injustices suffered by people of African heritage.

Fifteen years later, the Museum continues to grow in prominence and scope, however, of all his prized possessions, Cameron most cherishes a single letter received on February 3,1993, 62 years after his conviction. The letter grants a pardon and public apology from the State of Indiana.

2006-06-10T18:35:00.000-04:00

Well, my posts are getting closer together. Not close enough to be called frequent, but something similiar to it anyway.
So what's been going on? Well, life has been interesting for the most part. I am applying for a promotion at work. I am applying for the same position but at 7 stores. It is a long shot for me to get the position because I am attempting to jump over holding a formal sales position. I assumed because of that I would have no chance. However, my name is out there is in the district according to both my manager and district manager so it may happen for me after all. The interviews are wearing me out though. The always go pretty well, but I am nervous and say the wrong thing or am not sure what to say. Sigh, I used to be so good at interviewing. Well, in all honesty I used to be good at bullshitting. I was never a huge bullshitter, but I could tell a lie that could fool a polygraph tester. However, I do not really lie much anymore (not counting white lies) and I am increasingly uncomfortable with lying at all. Which is why I want to skip sales. Most sales people lie more by omission than anything else, but I do not want to even do that. I like that the offers I give my customers are truly what I believe is best for them. I may be incorrect, but it was given to the best of my immediate knowledge as the best offer. I have to blur the truth a bit in management, but nothing like what will be required in sales. I am uncomfortable with bullshitting period, so that makes my interviews difficult. I am too honest. Usually it works to my advantage because people know it is the truth if I say it is. On the other hand it works against me in the instance of interviews. I have never understood why people lie about thier skills to get a position. Once you are hired the cat is out of the bag and imagine how unhappy they will be. It is better to be honest and set real expectations. S, my manager, says that I lack confidence in my self and that is why I do not boast. I do not agree but perhaps there is something to it. I think she sees me in a way I do not see myself. I need to project more confidence in my interactions with others, clearly.
On the dating front....yikes!!!!! Well, I had two dates with S and have no plans to see him again. The first date was dinner and was nice. He was sweet and respectful. I was not at all attracted to him physically but he seemed nice so I thought I would date him and see if he grew on me. He talked mostly about himself and did not ask much about me but I figured maybe he was just really shy. Then we were supposed to go to the movies the following week but there was not really anything that we both wanted to see and he had Hostel on DVD and asked if he could come over and watch it. I was kind of uncomfortable with the idea of having him at my house so soon, but figured I should be less suspicious. It was ok, he was more pushy than I would have liked for intimacy but backed off when I said to. A was gone for the weekend and he wanted us to get together again saturday night. Well, I had a feeling he thought he would come to my house and get laid. I like to be as honest as possible in all of my dealings so I let him know that he was welcome to come over and watch a movie but that there would be no sex of any kind at all. He had the nerve to have a f*cking attitude about it. He text messages me saying he is horny. My first instinct was to text him back and say, "So fucking what." I HATE when men do that. What am I supposed to do about that? If we just met and are just dating, your horniness level has nothing to do with me. I am not a prositute nor a 1-900 phone sex number and most certainly am not obligated to ease your horniness. It is kind of insulting to be honest. However, I have male friends and I know that men do not mean it to be insulting. They must think it is sexy or cute or a round about way of asking for sex with out having to face direct rejection. Whatever it is intended to do, all it does in fact is piss me off. So, I text him back saying, "I'm bored, nice to meet you." He must not have gotten it because he texts me back saying, "I'm serious. I'm horny and I like you, blah, blah, blah...." I do not remember what he said beyond that, but thats the gist of it anyway. I was pissed so I called the date off, told him I was not interested in a casual sexual relationship and would speak with him later. He sends me back text apologizing and saying it is probably best to talk the next day. I knew then that I would never see him again. I am not against casual sex morally. I have never had casual sex but would do so if I met someone who turned me on enough that I wanted to allow them into my body and did not really know them. It is not a moral issue for me, just a comfort level issue. It takes me time to be comfortable with most men. Until I reach that comfort level I have strict boundaries and no one goes past that. I do not do things I do not want to do and that includes having sex when I do not want to just because my date is horny. It pissed me off not because he was so crass. I barely know him so nothing lost there. It pissed me off because every time I try to see what develops with a guy I am not initially attracted to it goes wrong somehow. First there was L who wanted me to spank him while he crawled across the floor. I was not even sure he was serious, but either way I was disgusted. Then there was that guy a few months ago who had decided I was "The One" for him, which could not be true since I did not like him at all, not even a little bit. Now S....every time I try to what and see what develops I end up more angry than anything else. N says I am too picky. Perhaps. Now, S is texting me so I sent him a "you are a nice person but we are both looking for different things" message. He did not get that either and asked if we could talk, I agreed and he called me the last two nights after I was asleep and so I called him after work today and he did not answer. Hopefully he can let it go and move on. I am not angry anymore but I am not going to see him either. I am not going to take this any further either. I am not attracted to him, no spark at all. Really the only thing he had going for him was his personality and he blew that. I wish him well truly because he is not a bad person but his expectations are not going to fly with me. Sigh.
We have a pervert in our apartment complex, a flasher. I laughed when I first hear about it. I have always found the idea of lashing your genitals at someone laughable. I have never been flashed so maybe it is scary, but I honestly think I would probably laugh. Well, this flasher has progressed to breaking into homes through the sliding glass doors or open windows (with screens) and woman wake up and he is standing over them naked from the waist down masturbating. Well, that is not funny at all. I think I would a fricking heart attack if I was to wake up to a strange man masturbating near me while I slept. So, I am leaving the air on-even though it has cooled way down-and leaving all doors and windows locked tightly and A is staying at my mom's unless I am home. I am just hoping they catch this guy-probably a resident-before he rapes and kills someone. He is clearly escalating his behavior, heck, he may even have raped someone already and the police are just not releasing the information, great!
~~~~Where you go, there you are!

2006-05-29T21:20:00.000-04:00

Good Evening dedicated bloggers, it has been........months since my last real post....sigh
Well, Con was great but right on the heels of Con Octavia Butler died and my winter blahs seemed never ending. Work was stressfull, as always and seemed to kind take over my very enjoyment of life there for awhile. Alas, spring came and I feel better. The sun somehow seems to make everything better.
Now for catch up.........personal life, I had a few more dates with V and then that was pretty much it. He was nice enough but not for me. Now I am kinda seeing if I want to date a new guy, S. He is nice and interesting but I am cautious so we will see what develops. I know one thing though, I intend to be dating this summer thats for darn sure:)
Work has been.....extremely interesting. We are short staffed-nothing new there, ever. However, the reasons we are short staffed have provided juicy gossip and unbelievability in one respect and sadness in another.
First for the juicy gossip. Our last hired employee-LM was nice but pretty stupid. If she had not irritated me so badly I would have felt sorry for the poor girl. It turns out my pity was wasted on her. To truly understand the shock of the story you need a picture of her. Picture it: 5' maybe 2", almost as wide as she is tall, pear shaped, slovenly, greasy, stringy dishwater blonde hair, parted down the middle (with scabs on the scalp), never wore a bra-though she was full breasted, always lint or dust or some such on her clothes, usually smelled-not too bad though I never had to work next to her-when R did he always complained that she stank. She always looked at the ground, never made eye contact, whiney, whispery, high pitched, annoying voice and no matter how many times you explained the simplest, directest, procedure-showed her more than once, wrote down the step-by-step instructions, showed her again-she STILL did not get it. In truth I think she caused more customer escalations than she solved. She was truly sweet and it did not seem to be her fault she was stupid and unattractive. She was always odd too. Now that is saying alot coming from me. I consider it a compliment to NOT be like everyone else. She was just ...odd?...did not fit? not sure. Let me give you an example. Her first month she was asking other staff members what if scenario questions-I love those kind of questions myself. If you could pick any super power, what would you pick? If you could meet any person living or dead who would you meet and why? If you could live in any place and any time, past, present, future, tvland, what would you pick and why? Chessy but nice if you hve nothing better to do and do not really know the people you are talking to. Well, here are her questions. 1) If you had to sleep with someone at our store (started out as cuddle, then evolved to sleep and eventually have sex with) who would you pick? Seemed a pretty odd questions to me. What situation could I ever possibly be in (at work) where I would be in a position that I "had" to have sex with a co-worker? She clarified for me, "If it is was life or death, who would you pick?" Well, hell, if it was life or death I would take whoever would have me and hope I lived to be disgusted by it later. Unless it was Joe, in which I would just go ahead and die. Clearly she had someone in mind she wanted to "cuddle" with. From there it just got downright bizzarre...."Would you rather have your big toe or your thumb be the size of your head?" That one seemed to easy enough to me, niether thank you very much. She again clarified for me, "If you *had* to pick one or the other?" Again, I could not think of any situation in which this might occur, if something did happen to cause either my big toe or my thumb to swell to the size of my head I can not imagine that I would get to pick which I would prefer to swell. She had the nerve to look at me like *I* was stupid, she shook her head and said to me, "You're not very good at this, are you?" Clearly not.
She is only 20 and most of the staff at my job is young, male, attractive and unattached-S seems to like it that way. So LM was developing a few crushes. She was systematically text messaging the male staff and telling them they had a secret admirer. We all laughed about it behind her back. No one admitted to taking her up on her offer. I know men can be dogs, but even I never thought anyone would be that desperate. Clearly I was incorrect. So this is how it went down-on my day off no less. The wednesday meeting was at 8 am as usual. LM had to close and so did married man number 2-M. Well, apparently when LM came to work her regular shift, she told married man number 1-C, the she thought she saw M's wife in the parking lot following her after the morning meeting. C promptly proceeded to tell EVERYONE working that afternoon that LM was having an affair with M and that his wife had confronted her in the parking lot. At no point did he mention that he had also had an affair with her. It was easy to believe that M's wife might be following her since M moved to our store from his original store because he was having an affair with a younger co-worker, his wife found out and tried to run the employee over in the store parking lot, LOL!!! I miss all the good stuff. Well, the rumor got back to D-the assistant store manager as S-the store manager was on vacation. So, D took LM into the office and basically let her know that adults should try to avoid affairs with co-workers and also let her know that everyone knew about her affair with M. LM burst out crying and immediately knew that C had told because that was the only person in the store she had told about M's wife. She then told D that she had also had an affair with C. Well, LM left for lunch, came back crying and still upset, pulled D into the office and quit effective immediately. It seems that she was too upset to continue working if people knew about her affairs. I was shocked to say the least. First she is just nasty. I was not surprised that C hit that, because I honestly think he would hump a rock if it agreed, M.....I always had more respect for M. I remember him talking about turning 40 earlier this year. It can not be easy to be him, he makes excellent money, but he is 40 working retail, his bosses are female and younger than him and he has zero chance for advancement. I still would not be desperate enough to have sex with someone like LM, but hey, maybe he was having a mid-life crisis? The buzz relaly started after she quit because of course management can not give any details. We need not have worried, she came in the next day-I was there-and I guess AR and AD-sales reps asked her at the front counter infront of customers why she quit and she said, and I quote" I was sleeping with two many people here to keep working here." Well, she asked AR to walk her to her car and she told him the names and the situation. So, now I like to tease D that I am going to have quit effective immediately because I am sleeping with too many people at the store. Add to that the rumors have started from that small base and have spread to our sister stores, goodness we have our own As Verizon Turns, LOL!!!! It was great!
On more solemn note, LD was terminated due to large amount of customer complaints. It sucks, it was unfair, but such is life. It puts us, the customer service reps in a difficult position. We are told by company policy to tell the customers no and then customers get angry, complain over our head because they do not like our answers. They get what they want anyway and we get complaints filed against us. If we just do it, we show up on tracking reports and get reprimanded for not towing the company line. It is a difficult position in a store like ours.
~~~Letting go is to fear less and live more!

2006-05-02T07:50:00.000-04:00

Unbelievable what I is going on. Yesterday A called me at work to tell me that a classmate had called her a nigger. I told her to tell and fully expected the school to deal with it. How could I be so niave. What follows is our ongoing experiences. First from A's point of view, then from A's point of view with some editing by me and then my point of view. This is far from over.

The Nigger Incident-Three Points of View

The Nigger Incident Part 1

2006-05-02T07:45:00.000-04:00

Today in science (my 4th hour class), Jackie Vandenabel was talking about her friend Casey Noble’s BLACK SQUIRREL named Squigger, and I asked Jackie not to say that anymore, because that’s putting together the two words squirrel and nigger. But she didn’t stop and then called me a Squigger, and I didn’t like that because I am actually black and so I asked her to stop repeatedly, but she would stop for a minute and keep doing it and then stop again, all the way until lunch. But I let it go.
Then after lunch she did it again, and I let it go again. But I only let it go because if you get suspended you can’t go on the trip to Cedar Point. But then she’s like hey guys I wonder what they would call a gay squirrel? But I’m like that’s really mean, but then she says a jigger, and I’m like you can’t say that! It’s like way to close to the word nigger(is what I was thinking! So then she’s like Why, because it has the word nigger in it(which it doesn’t but I wasn’t thinking about that because, I was too mad at the fact that she had said nigger to me and the fact that, that is racist. So then I’m like if you can’t say jigger, you definitely can’t say that! And then I said I don’t want to hear her say that again. And of course like the armature that she is, she is, she started saying it over and over again, and then she’s like, nigger, nigger, you’re a nigger(she didn’t say it in a tune or anything though, she just said it). She’s lucky I didn’t want to go to Cedar Point so bad, because I was about to jump up out of my seat and knock her teeth out.

A~ May 1st 2((6

The Nigger Incident Part 2

2006-05-02T07:30:00.000-04:00

A~~ May 1, 2006

Today in my 4th hour science class I was sitting in my assigned seat and Jackie V. sits next to me. Jackie was talking about a black squirrel in Casey Noble’s backyard that he and his friend named squigger. I asked Jackie not to say that anymore. Not only did she keep saying it but she then called me a squigger. I asked her to stop repeatedly. She would stop for a minute and keep doing it and then stop again, this continued until we left for lunch.
After lunch when we were back in science she called me a squigger again and I let it go again. I was getting angry.
Then Jackie said, “Hey guys I wonder what they would call a gay squirrel?”
I said, “That’s really mean”.
Then she said, “A jigger.”
I said, “You can’t say that!” I was angry because it was too close to the word nigger.
Then she said, “Why, because it has the word nigger in it?”
I was very mad that she used the word nigger.
I said, “If you can’t say jigger, you definitely can’t say that!” Then I told her I did not want to hear her say that again. She started saying it over and over again, “Nigger, nigger, nigger, you’re a nigger”.
I was very upset and mad and wanted to fight. Zeke sits across from me and he told me to go tell on her so she would get in trouble because what she said was mean.
As soon as class was over I went to the counseling office. I told Mrs. Bieterman, “I have a problem. Can I see a principal, somebody in the office, a counselor, somebody.” She told me I had to fill out a slip and bring it back. I stayed there and filled the slip out turned it in right then.
I went to my next class like I was supposed to. I was mad and wanted something done so I went to the office and called my mom at work to tell her what happened. After I talked to my mom I went back to class.
Mrs. Suhajda called me about my locker but I thought it was about the slip. After we figured out what was wrong with the locker, she let me tell her what happened. I told her what happened with Jackie. Mrs. Suhajda said it definitely sounded racist and asked me if I could handle meeting with Jackie in the room or if I wanted to wait in another room. I said I wanted to meet with Jackie in the room and if I could not handle it I would say so. I felt like Mrs. Suhajda understood how upset I was.
Then Jackie was called down to talk to us. Jackie said she was talking about a squirrel named Squigger which was somebody’s pet. She said that the squirrel wasn’t black it was just a regular squirrel. She said that she never remembered saying anything about a gay squirrel called jigger. She said that she never said the word nigger that she would never say that and she doesn’t like that word. She also said that she has a lot of African-American friends, why would she call me that.
Mrs. Suhajda agreed with Jackie but said that she was not ruling out my opinion. She also made Jackie apologize for saying Squigger and said that she did not want us fighting about a misunderstanding. What misunderstanding, I know what I heard. I did not want her to apologize for saying the word Squigger it was being called a nigger that I wanted an apology for. I felt that I was not being treated fairly and frustrated that Mrs. Suhajda did not believe me. She is my counselor and she is supposed to be on everyone’s side. Why would I lie about Jackie? She and I had been friendly before she called me a nigger and why would I lie to get her into trouble?
Mrs. Suhajda sent Jackie back to class. I tried to explain to Mrs. Suhajda that Jackie lied. I told her that other people in the class heard what she said about the squirrel and that the squirrel was in Casey Noble’s back yard not his pet. Then Mrs. Suhajda said that she could not do anything about it until she had a chance to talk to the other people and get back to me. She said that unless some one else overheard Jackie calling me nigger she was not going to do anything about it. So basically I was lying unless someone else over heard it. Mrs. Suhajda gave me a pass and I went back to class.
I was late getting to my third hour. I waked in, set my stuff down. After the teacher stopped talking I went over to talk to K about what happened and how Jackie lied in Mrs. Suhajda’s office. K said that she already knew that Jackie lied to Mrs. Suhajda because she heard Jackie telling someone, “A called me down to the counseling office just because I said nigger and squigger and jigger.” I told the sub I needed to go back to the counseling office. I went back to the counseling office to let Mrs. Suhajda know what K overheard. She was with another student so I filled out another slip but this time I wrote on the back what happened in case she could not get back to me. I did not get a chance to speak to Mrs. Suhajda again.

The Nigger Incident Part 3

2006-05-02T07:15:00.000-04:00

Laileana May 1, 2006

A called me at work to tell me that a classmate had called her a nigger in science class. I was so surprised I was not really sure what to say at first. I asked A if the teacher heard the classmate. She said no. I asked her if she had told her teacher. She told me that she had filled out a form to talk to Mrs. Suhajda about it. I told A to tell the truth, not be upset or fight the girl and let Mrs. Suhajda deal with it. I had spoken to Mrs. Suhajda before and always had a positive experience with her so I felt confident that it would be dealt with. I was expecting to hear from Mrs. Suhajda at some point during the day saying that she had in fact spoken to A. That did not happen. When A got home from school she called me at work to tell me that she had spoken to Mrs. Suhajda that Jackie lied about calling her a nigger and that Mrs. Suhajda would not do anything unless someone else heard Jackie call her a nigger. She also told me that after their meeting with Mrs. Suhajda, another student overheard Jackie saying she called her a nigger and that she had tried to tell Mrs. Suhajda about it but she was meeting with another student. I called Mrs. Suhajda at about 2:50 to see what was going on. Mrs. Suhajda let me know that she had spoken to A and that unfortunately the other girl denied calling A a nigger and so it was a case of he said/she said. I was not at all surprised to hear that the girl denied calling A a nigger to the counselor. She would have to be pretty stupid to admit to an incident that would get her in trouble. Mrs. Suhajda let me know that she was going to interview the other students involved, that she had another student in her office waiting for her when she saw A that she needed to get back to. She seemed concerned about whether or not the squirrel was a pet or in the back yard and whether it was really named squigger. She did tell me that she let Jackie know it was inappropriate to use the word squigger. She also let me know that she had not spoken to Mr. May, the assistant principal about the incident but was going to speak with him as soon as she had a chance to speak with the other students. Mrs. Suhajda seemed to feel it was a misunderstanding and that perhaps Jackie’s remarks were taken out of context. I asked what context such a comment would be appropriate in. Mrs. Suhajda said the “n” word was never appropriate. She explained that she would not be able to speak with the students further today. I understood that because school was out and the students were already dismissed for the day. She said that either she or Mr. May would be contacting me after they had spoken with some of the other students. I got the feeling from our conversation that Mrs. Suhajda did not believe A. That she felt that A was either lying or had misunderstood Jackie and that unless a student came forward and said they heard Jackie call A a nigger not a whole lot was going to be done about this. I told Mrs. Suhajda that this was a big deal to me and to A, that A had never before been called a nigger and how upset she was. I also let her know that I expected the school to handle this and I was not sure if A would be returning until it was dealt with. I also told her that I could understand needing to speak with witnesses and that I was planning to call Mr. May myself. I was disappointed that this incident was being dismissed by A’s counselor. I was disappointed that A was being repeatedly humiliated. First she is humiliated by being called a nigger by another student, than she is humiliated a second time by the counselor telling her she believes that Jacki did not call her a nigger because Jackie has African American friends, she is humiliated a third time by Jackie bragging to her friends that she called A a nigger, lied about it and Mrs. Suhajda believed her and yet a fourth time by her compliant being totally trivialized and dismissed. I was upset that she was being seen not as the victim, but that she was in fact to be dismissed unless she could produce witnesses. I was not at all satisfied with my conversation with Mrs. Suhajda so I took a few moments to calm down and gather my thoughts before calling Mr. May.
I spoke with Mr. May at 3:15pm. He answered the phone and I identified myself by name and as A’s mother. He asked how I was and how he could help me. I asked if he spoken with Mrs. Suhajda and he said he had in fact spoken with her just a moment ago. Well, if he had just spoken to her, than he knew very well why I was calling and what he could do to help me. So why treat me in such a condescending manner? He was polite but I got the impression from him that he was not too concerned about the incident and not at all anxious to deal with it. When I asked he did tell me that it was against the student code book to use racial slurs and that he had dealt with a student before for breaking that rule. Again, he let me know that it was he said/she said incident and that he or Mrs. Suhajda would call me. Then he thanked me for calling. At no point did he acknowledge that A had been victimized, that the student was wrong for treating A as she did. Instead of validating my concerns and taking responsibility for the situation being handled, he trivialized the incident in a polite and dismissive manner.
I honestly expected more of Mr. May. I have always felt comfortable talking to him and A has as well. However, after speaking with both Mrs. Suhajda and Mr. May it was apparent to me that this was not being taken seriously and would not be unless A could find someone willing to speak up about what happened to her. It was like she was being victimized all over again. I told A that what Jackie said to her was wrong and that the way Mrs. Suhajda treated her was wrong. I asked her to type up a letter of exactly what happened, what was said, where she was, who was around her and what she did. That way she has a record of the incident to provide and is not trying to explain when she is already upset.
A is not a perfect child and she has been disciplined at school for misbehaving and even for lying. However, it has never been brought to my attention any incident where she has lied maliciously in an attempt to get another student in trouble. If she was lying about this incident it would only be in an attempt to get Jackie into trouble. I can not understand what would motivate her to do so. A may talk back to a substitute teacher or lie about doing her homework, but I have not known her to lie to get someone else into trouble. Jackie was a friend of hers and lives close to her friend T, and I know A has played with her before outside of school, so she would not have a motivation to try and get Jackie in trouble. On the other hand, Jackie, knowing she would be in trouble for calling A a nigger, has every motive to lie. Yet, Jackie is being believed and A is forced to try to find another 12 year old student willing to act as a witness for her, unbelievable. Obviously neither Mr. May nor Mrs. Suhajda are aware of how often bystanders choose to ignore racist comments. I experience it all of the time as an African American. People are uncomfortable about racial issues and prefer to avoid them at all costs. I would prefer to avoid it too, but this is not an off-color remark made in jest that could be misunderstood or taken out of context. This child called A a nigger to her face. When A asked her to stop she did it again and again and again. A did what she was supposed to and handled it by following the school rules. She did not fight the girl. She went to the counseling office and asked for help immediately. She did exactly what she was supposed to do in this situation and I am very proud of her. If it was me I am not sure I would not have been able to handle the situation as well as she did. How is she repaid for handling this situation according to school policy? Her concerns are dismissed as he said/she said, the issue is trivialized and A is treated like a liar. Mrs. Suhajda was much concerned about why Jackie would have black friends and call A a nigger and whether or not there was a squirrel named Squigger, than she was about how A felt. At no point did she offer any explanation as to why A would lie about Jackie calling her a nigger. She implied that A misunderstood or took the comment out of context. What context would that be in? Even if it was a black squirrel named squigger-clearly a nigger squirrel, that should be addressed alone. The fact that the girl went far enough to say nigger and then call A a nigger to her face should be treated appropriately and addressed immediately. If Mrs. Suhajda had another student she had to attend to, then she should have had someone else handle the situation that day. Now, for all I know Jackie could have talked other students into lying for her and the situation has certainly been discussed among the students and who knows what they will say now. Jackie’s needs were put before A’s just like Jackie’s story was believed and A’s was not. So A is victimized by the school as well as the student. I am not sure what the school policy is involving racial slurs against students, but surely it should have been addressed in some manner immediately and not put off until the next day. At this point I am as concerned about the way Mrs. Suhajda treated A as I am Jackie calling her a nigger. Mrs. Suhajda seems to be focusing on whether or not Jackie is racist. I am not saying Jackie is a racist, she is a child and possibly she does not understand how extremely offensive and inappropriate that comment is. She may have been saying it because she saw how much it upset A and she was just trying to get a rise out of her. That is pretty standard behavior for middle school children. Not that ignorance or immaturity excuse Jackie’s behavior. Kids do mean and inappropriate things all of the time, all kids do. However, that is why schools have policies in place to deal with this type of behavior. A went to the counseling center seeking immediate assistance and was told she would have to fill out a form. I am not happy about that, but can understand that probably all students feel their concerns need to be addressed immediately. However, once Mrs. Suhajda had a chance to actually hear what happened and if she did not believe A and felt the incident needed to be researched, she should have done so immediately. If she could not, she should have seen to it that some one else did, another counselor, Mr. May or the principal, Mr. Hurst. I should also have been contacted as A’s mother and made aware of the situation. I am not asking that this girl be hanged in the Town Square or anything foolish as that. I do not even care if she is racist. This is the United States and she and her family have the right to be as ignorant and small minded as they like. However, A has rights as well. One of those rights is to not be verbally assaulted by her classmates. If she is, she has the right to be taken seriously and not treated like she misunderstood, took the comment out of context or lied. I am appalled at how she has been treated.

May 2, 2006
I drove A to school this morning along with her friend K J. A had asked K to please write out what she heard Jackie say after Jackie and A’s meeting with Mrs. Suhajda. K J gave it to me this morning to be turned in along with A’s statement. At the school, I assured A that I would be able to handle this and told her to go to class and to call me if she needed to. At about 7:15 I asked one of the receptionists in the Main Office if I could speak to Mr. May and she said she would see if he was available. I sat down in one of chairs in the office to wait. The receptionist was already contacting a teacher over the phone about a parent who was in the office before me. I could see Mr. May walking behind the receptionist’s desks. He saw me, nodded and kept walking. After the receptionist got off of the phone and the other parent left to see the teacher, the receptionist got up to see if Mr. May was available. Mr. May came out of his office to get me just as I was telling A to go to class and not to worry, I would take care of this incident. Mr. May said, “You wanted to see me?’ I said, “Yes.” He indicated that I should follow him to his office, which I did. He went in before me, sat down and said, “How can help you?” I did not sit down. I remained standing and said, “I had A write down her experience yesterday and we typed it out. Her friend who witnessed what Jackie said after her meeting with Mrs. Suhajda.” He thanked me and took a quick glance at K’s letter. I than asked that A and Jackie not sit together in science class. He asked for her science teachers name and wrote it down on a sticky note to move A to another table. Move A not Jackie, again implying that A was wrong and not the wronged. I left his office and the school feeling more dismissed, ignored and trivialized than ever.
I am still surprised and hurt at the way Mr. May is responding to this incident. He has always been friendly and encouraging when I have spoken to him at the Club Pride meetings or performances. He was very understanding when I called repeatedly worried about A when they went out of town for a performance last year. I have seen him in the hall or office in passing at school in the past and he has always been warm and easy to talk to. When he called me in February to tell me that A was on Step 2 disciplinary action, because she had signed my name to a note sent home by the teacher and then pretended to be me on the phone with the teacher, he assured me that A was a good kid and he was sure she had just made a mistake. Yet, when I called yesterday, he was polite, but rude. He asked me how I was and how he could help me. I asked if he had spoken to Mrs. Suhajda and he let me know that he had just finished speaking with her a moment ago in fact. So, why act like he did not know why I was calling and ask how he could help me? He knew good and well why I was calling and what he could do to help me. At no point did he say to me that he understood my concerns and that I could be assured that this matter would be taken care of. He let me know that Mrs. Suhajda would investigate it but that she had other students as well. His tone and demeanor was condescending and dismissive. I felt like the issue was being trivialized and A was being dismissed as a liar.
My experience this morning was even worse. He saw me in the office and did not come over to speak to me, even though he had to know why I was there. In fact, he acted like he was unhappy to see me in the office. Then again, the first thing he asked me in the office was how he could help me, as if he had no idea why I was at the school. He did not offer me a seat or even shut the door. He did not say anything reassuring like we are taking this incident seriously you have no reason to be concerned, this type of behavior is not tolerated at this school, anything to let me he was concerned about A. It was awful.

2006-05-01T21:20:00.000-04:00

Well, the nigger incident is officially over. It was quite stressful, to say the least. The offending girl got suspended and the "hecklers" got reprimanded as well. In the end it turned out that another girl was being called nigger as well and was afraid to say anything and hearing about A standing up made her speak up as well. I think A was hurt that her vice principal and counselor did not immediately believe her. I am glad that she was able to have a positive outcome in this instance. Racism will be a fact of her everyday life-most times I try and ignore it myself-and the vast majority of the time it is dismissed and ignored. So, at least she was able to see how it should go as well as glimpses of how it will mostly go in her future. I told her let it go and move on. Life is too short to sweat the small shit.
~~~~Letting go is to fear less and live more!

2006-04-30T19:49:00.001-04:00

Exploring Karma. I have never been a very big believer in Karma as it is commonly thought of and used today. Most people attribute way too much to karma. You get maimed or seriously ill or lose someone important to you or even a job and it is karma. Yet, that seems too simplistic, too easy in a way, almost niave. I have lived enough of life to know it is not fair, not even close. Yet, if karma functioned that way the world would be fair. People who do bad things would have bad things happen to them. Yet I have not found that to be true, heck, not even close. I have certainly had difficule experiences in my life, yet nothing to compare my ex-husband-who used me, abused me and does not even bother to help with A-leaving me to raise and support our daughter all alone. Well, 5 years after our divorce, I am diagnosed with Endometriosis and have surgery, after surgery, live in excruciating, debilitating pain until I have an invasive radical surgery only to be diagnosed a few years after that with degenerative arthritis. Meanwhile, my ex-husband is in normal health. Where is the fairness in that? How is karma this great equalizer, giving to those who do bad and good to those who do good? Um, well, maybe that is my karma from a previous life? Who was I, Hitler, in my past life? Is it now my punishment to have repeated burdens in this life to make up for wrongs I did in some past life I can not even remember? How am I supposed to learn from my mistakes if I can not remember them while I am being punished? It would be like smacking A tommorrow morning for lying about her homework last year. Not very effective punishment. I prefer to think that "challenges" or difficulties in life that we all face, have not to do with what we did in our previous life and not always what we did in this life-but are lessons offered as opportunities for us to grow and change. Every difficult experience we have-no matter how harrowing-offers us an opportunity to grow and mature. It may not feel like it at the time (or in some cases for many years afterwards), but your experiences can help to shape you into a much better person. If for no other reason than to have the knowledge at your lowest point to be able to remind yourself, "Self, I have successfully survived many trials and multiple tribulations and if I know anything it is that this too shall pass and in the vast majority of cases everything will be ok in the end-no matter how terrible it feels this moment." I have always felt more like that than like karma was to blame or the answer to the desperate middle of the night, "WHY ME!!!!!!" But, Karma is a part of Buddhism. A huge part. So, in studying Buddhism, I have had the opportunity to study more about karma-what it meant when the Buddha used it and how it relates to Buddhism and me.

Buddhist Philosphy is:
First, there is not just karma(also called kamma), there is also vipaka(or vipake).
Kamma just means 'Action' while
Vipaka is the 'Result' of that action,
Whether it be mental, verbal or bodily action.

Here are some thoughts on karma, vipaka and modern buddhism:
I have been to a lecture on "Karma and the ExaminedLife" recently, and have been giving the subject alot of thought. I found out that common and popular beliefs about Karma, are best forgotten, because generally most people don't know what they are talking about.
I found it helpful to recognise that only some of our experiences area the result of karma - vipaka. Karma being a volitional act, and vipake being a consequence of this act. When people refer to karma, they usually mean that you are getting your vipaka.

The Buddha talked of 5 Niyamas, of which Karma/Vipaka, (Karmic cause and effect) is only one. The others are:-
Utu-Niyama:-effects that are attributable to physical inorganic order.
Bi ja-Niyama:-effects that are attributable to physical, organic or biological order.
Mano-Niyama:-non-volitional mental order
Karma-Niyama:-Volitional order
Dharma-Niyama:-transcendental order.

The English monk, Sangharakshita, who set up the worldwide, Western Buddhist Order and its supporting organisation, TheFriends of theWestern Buddhists, explains the workings of theseNiyamas thus:-
"Suppose a man is suffering from a fever. The complaint may be due to a sudden change in temperature (Utu-Niyama), to the presence of a germ (Bi Ja-Niyama), to mental strain or worry or to tension due to experiences taking place in the dhyanas (Mano-Niyama), to the fact that in a previous life or previously in this present one, he had harmed someone (Karma-Niyama), or to chemical or cellular changes occurring in the body consequent upon transcendental realisation(Dharma-Niyama)."

I have trouble believing in Karma - Vipaka, do you? It's the same as the Christian belief that all sin must be compensated for, only in the Christian doctrine, you have vicarious atonement. That is, if you believe in Jesus Christ, your sins will go unpunished, because he suffered the punishment for you.
I believe that our higher self chooses to experience the unfortunate, because it wants to experience opposites. Therefore if we have experienced hurting someone, we then experience being hurt the sameway, somehow, in order that we may experience both.

I don't believe that morality has a part to play in karma - vipaka.
Or do I?
What do you think?
Regards, LD-taken from an online Buddhist Community I belong to.

****I liked this response. I am not sure I agree with all of it, but it is similar to how I experience my reality. I have mixed feelings about morality because it is such a judgement call. My morals are not your morals and if I do not live by your morals I am not an immoral person necesarily. It is like good and evil, such simple black and white terms. Sadly, the world is mostly gray-a little bit of both. If only it were so simple, so easy, so straight forward. So much depends on the situation. Not always but often. It is wrong to kill, definetely true, life is valuable and most be cherished. But, what if you are being threatened, is it wrong to kill to save yourself? What if it is someone else being harmed, is it wrong to kill to save them? Is it immoral to kill a killer? Would you rather be alive and immoral or dead and moral? It is wrong to steal, very true and I absolutely agree. But what if your child was starving and you stole to save them? Is it wrong then? Is it immoral? What if it is life saving medicine that costs more than you will ever be able to afford? Are you wrong for taking it or is the drug company wrong for over-charging for life saving medinces? Or, a lighter but similiar issue, you write a check on monday at Targets knowing you do not have enough money in the bank to cover the check at that moment. Yet, you take your 'purchased' items and leave hoping that the check does not clear the bank before your paycheck does on wednesday. Is that stealing? After all, you are 'taking' items under the fales pretense that you have paid for them. Is it wrong? Is it immoral? Is it ok if a check bounces because you forgot about another outstanding check, making it a mistake rather than deliberate? Is it only immoral if the check bounces, but ok if it clears? It is wrong to lie, again, I certainly agree. But your lover asks if you ever dream about anyone else. What possible good could it do to admit that Vin Diesel/Halle Berry is who you are dreaming about? A co-worker has the most god-awful-plaid-and-flowered pants you have ever seen in your life and you would go NAKED before you wore them, but, they proudly show off their pants purchased for quite a bargain and ask what you think. You could be honest, but most of us would probably consider it more moral to say, 'They look great on you', or 'They suit you', or 'What a bargain'. Your co-worker who is such an incredible idiot that you can barely stand to assist them and finally gave up on training them because it is just too frustrating to explain repeatedly the same simple task, in simple language with written directions and STILL have the dimwit not get it at all. Yet, the co-worker is sweet and has a good heart and asks you one day, "Everyone is so grumpy when I need help, they treat me like I am stupid. Do you think I am stupid?" This is an easy one, becuase I can answer that and not lie one itty-bitty, teensy-tiny bit when I say with a straight face, "No, I do not think you are stupid." I can only say that honestly because I KNOW you are a frigging idiot, no 'thinking' required, duh!!!! Is that immoral? Is it good manners? Who knows, these are the areas that I think get most people. Most of us know the easy stuff, don't kill people that cut you off in traffic, or cut in front of you in line, the dog that barks all night-got that covered no problem. Don't take what is not given or purchased, like that DVD you are just dying to see but are too broke to buy, or those pants that look fantastic on you but cost way too much, or the dinner you have eaten and enjoyed and the waitress is offing doing whatever and you have a clear shot to the door with a fully belly and a full wallet-sure thing. Don't lie-'Yes officer I did have 7 shots an hour before I got in the car to drive home.' But it is the gray areas that make up most of our lives and where the dilemma lies. What good are rules, or guidelines, that do not fully or realistically address the fact that most of us live our lives and struggle and make our mistakes in the gray areas?
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-04-30T19:49:00.000-04:00

What is the Noble Life, which leads to and culminates in Nibbâna?

A certain Bhikkhu once asked the Blessed Buddha:
Venerable Sir, the Noble Life, the Noble Life, is it often said…
What, Venerable Sir, is this Noble Life? And what is the final goal of this Noble Life?
This Noble 8-fold Way, Bhikkhu, is the Noble Life; namely:
Right View (sammā-ditthi)
Right Motivation (sammā-sankappa)
Right Speech (sammā-vācā)
Right Action (sammā-kammanta)
Right Livelihood (sammā-ājīva)
Right Effort (sammā-vāyāma)
Right Awareness (sammā-sati)
Right Concentration (sammā-samādhi)

The destruction of Greed, the destruction of Hate, and the destruction of Ignorance:
This is the final goal of the Noble Life…

Source (edited extract):The Grouped Sayings of the Buddha. Samyutta Nikaya. Book V [7-8] section 45:6 A certain Bhikkhu ... http://www.pariyatti.com/book.cgi?prod_id=948507 http://www.accesstoinsight.org/canon/samyutta/index.html

WHY DOES ONE NOT EASILY keep the precepts everyday ???
Because of:
1: Lust
2: Aversion
3: Sceptical Doubt
4: Restlessness
5: Laziness
6: Confusion

Neither can any Amulet,
Nor any God,
Nor any Prayer,
Nor any Ritual,
Ever protect against the effects of one's actions!

2006-02-27T00:12:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful time at Con and returned home to check my email only to find reports that my favorite author of all time has passed away. I am in shock. I never met her and likely never would have, but I was attached to her none the less. Octavia Butler was a pioneer in the field of black female sci fi published authors. Her novels are ground breaking and extraordinary. Dawn was one of the first sci fi novels I ever read and at the time I had no idea the author or main character was black. Ameena had just been born and I was at the mall with her in stroller and bored and disillusioned with marriage and motherhood. I went to Northland Mall to have frozen yogurt at Hudsons-now Marshall Fields. Hudsons at Northland used to have a bookstore on the main level and I picked up a book at random to page through as i ate my ice cream-Ameena must have been sleeping. Dawn had an interesting cover featuring a white woman-not sure who the hell she was supposed to be as the main character, Lilith Iyapo, is black-who was sitting next to a half open plant pod containing a sleeping human. Actually, in retrospect, I believe that I was entranced by the cover of Imago-the third and final installment in the Xenogenesis trilogy that began with Dawn. Always one to start at the beginning I took Dawn back to the table I was sitting at in Hudsons and began reading it. I was hooked at the first page and purchased it and eventually all published works by Octavia Butler. In fact, the only novel of hers I have not read and do not personally own is Survivor which she has never allowed to be reprinted. Her novels have changed me and how I view the world around me. I have loved some of her characters, hated some of her characters and identified with most of her characters. Her novels feature change and explore many boundaries-sexuality, gender, race, society, family, religion-you name it and she has explored it in some way-even incest. All of her books featured strong black capable, intelligent femal main characters-leaders all. They all also featured racially diverse communities and usually also featured lesbians and gays. Her novels are groundbreakking and she is a genius.
To say I am devastated and deeply saddened is to way understate my feelings. I do not posses words for how upset I am. Three great ladies lost back to back: Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King and now Octavia Butler-by far the least well known and by far my favorite.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

Octavia E. Butler (1947-2006)
Octavia Estelle Butler passed away at her Seattle, Washington home on Saturday February 25, 2006.
An only child, she was born on June 22, 1947 in Pasadena, California. Her father died when she was very young. Octavia attended school at Pasadena City College, California State University, Los Angeles and UCLA.
Following participation in the Clarion Science Fiction Writers Workshop, her first story, "Crossover" appeared in the 1971 Clarion anthology. Additional sales were slow to develop but in itme she published nearly 20 novels and books. Fledgling, her first novel in seven years, was released in the fall of 2005.
Octavia received the PEN Center West Lifetime Achievement Award, Nebula award and two Hugo Awards. In 1995 she was the recipient of a $295,000 MacArthur Foundation fellowship.
She has been considered the most successful African American woman writing in the science fiction genre.
Posted February 26, 2006
http://www.sfwa.org/news/2006/obutler.htm

Octavia Butler, prominent science fiction author, dies at 58
By GENE JOHNSON
The Associated Press SEATTLE
Octavia E. Butler, the first black woman to gain national prominence as a science fiction writer, died after falling and striking her head on the cobbled walkway outside her home, a close friend said Sunday. She was 58.Butler was found outside her home in the north Seattle suburb of Lake Forest Park on Friday. She had suffered from high blood pressure and heart trouble andcould only take a few steps without stopping for breath, said Leslie Howle, who knew Butler for two decades and works at the Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame in Seattle.Butler's work wasn't preoccupied with robots and ray guns, Howle said, but used the genre's artistic freedom to explore race, poverty, politics, religion and human nature."She stands alone for what she did," Howle said. "She was such a beacon and a light in that way."Fellow Seattle-based science fiction authors Greg Bear and Vonda McIntyre said they were stunned by the news and called it a tremendous loss."People came the world around to talk to her," Bear said. "She was sweet. She was smart. She knew science fiction and how to work with it."Butler began writing at age 10, and told Howle she embraced science fiction after seeing a schlocky B-movie called "Devil Girl from Mars" and thinking, "I can write a better story than that." In 1970, she took a bus from her hometown of Pasadena, Calif., to East Lansing, Mich., to attend a fantasy writers workshop.Her first novel, "Kindred," came out in 1979. It concerned a black woman who travels back in time to the South to save a white man. She went on to write about a dozen books, plus numerous essays and short stories. Her most recent work, "Fledgling," an examination of the "Dracula" legend, was published last fall.She won numerous awards, and most notably in 1995 became the first science fiction writer granted a "genius" award from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, which paid $295,000 over five years. She served on the board of the Science Fiction Museum.Peter Heck, a science fiction and mystery writer in Chestertown, Md., said Butler was recognized for tackling difficult and controversial issues, such as slavery."She was considered a cut above both in the quality of her writing and her imaginative audacity," Heck said. "She was willing to take uncomfortable ideas and pursue them further than a lot of other people would have been willing to."Heck's wife, Jane Jewell, executive director of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America, called Butler one of the first and definitely the most prominent black woman science fiction writer, but said she would have been a major writer of science fiction no matter her race or her gender."She is a world-class science fiction writer in her own right," Jewell said. "She was one of the first and one of the best to discuss gender and race in science fiction."Butler described herself as a happy hermit, and never married. Though she could be very private, Bear said, she had taken classes to improve her public speaking and in recent years seemed more outgoing."Mostly she just loved sitting down and writing," he said. "For being a black female growing up in Los Angeles in the '60s, she was attracted to science fiction for the same reasons I was: It liberated her. She had a far-ranging imagination, and she was a treasure in our community."Copyright Â© 2006 The Seattle Times Company
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002831136_webbutlerobit26.html

2006-02-12T18:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I did not work friday. I took A to Urgent Care on thursday after her thumb was broken. They X-Rayed it but were not sure if it was broken or sprained and said they would have the X Ray reviewed and get back to be me, in the meantime they splinted it and sent her home. Well, A was in alot of pain even the next day and Urgent Care seemed kind of incompentent as it was. So, I called Cigna and got the name and number of a orthopaedic clinic for follow up. I called as soon as they opened friday, and got her in as soon as possible but I was so upset over everything that happened that I just did not go in for the day. I told my mom what happened and she gave lip service to being helpful and supportive, but in the end Kris kept her for me for the weekend. I needed some down time and some alone time.
I worked saturday and ended up meeting V for dinner that evening. It went surprisingly well. I have been having a terrible time sleeping and had a rough time staying awake right after we ate. However, I perked up once we left the restaurant. He suggested that we return to the bookstore we met at for some tea or coffee. We ended up shopping for books and talking until the bookstore closed at 11. Then we sat in the car and talked some more. He was very poilte, a gentleman, paid for everything and is a good listener. He and I have many interests in common and he is funny and nice. I like him. I think perhaps we will see eachother again and maybe even be friends. I have to remain cautious with him because he is just a few months out of a bad challenging relationship and I think he is rebounding with me. Which is fine as long as I do not allow myself to get hurt. We shall see.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-02-10T01:25:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am going to lose my fucking mind. No shit. I do not know what is going on, but whatever it is, I think I have about reached my breaking point. First I have the shit at work with S. I did file an HR complaint. HR backed S which did not surprise me-we SO need a union-but what did surprise was that apparently there have been documented customer complaints about me-that I knew absoluetly nothing about. I am furious that nothing was ever mentioned to me and then at my year end evaluation it is included as if it was an ongoing development issue and something I have been working with and struggling with all year. When I read the email from HR curtly telling me there was nothing they could do and in fact they could give less than I shit, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried some more. Than I called CL and told her I was seriously considering leaving and seeing if I could get some kind of stress leave and if not just fucking quitting. I was that discouraged and upset. In the end I stayed and I have to say that my complaint surprised S and she has been hesitant and even respectful when dealing with me. I am trying to pull it together and since I have spent most of this week in my room crying and going to bed early I went out rented a movie and took out a pizza kit to thaw for A and I have to a special evening together. I am on the couch crocheting and watching tv when she gets home. Immediately I can tell that something is wrong. Earlier in the week she came home all upset about a fight she had with some friends of hers and I figured it was more of the same. I ask her what is wrong and she says, "I love you mom". I knew then she had done something wrong and I think I went insane for awhile there. She told me that had been not doing her math homework again-huge surprise-and that she had signed my name AGAIN to her grade sheet. This is what really blows my mind here, when her math teacher rightly recognized that was NOT my signature, she asked A for my phone number to call me. A gave her personal cell number and then when the teacher called at first tried to pretended to be me and then when that did not work said I was not home and did not give my personal cell number. To compund this infraction, she followed this up by calling the school the next day and pretending to be me. The principal called and she is on final warning step 2-the next step being suspension. I could not believe it. Something in me snaped, honestly. I beat her ass, with a brush. In trying to cover her behind with her hands I hit her hand with the brush and broke her thumb. I really felt badly about it. The whole thing is totally fucked up. I had not spanked her in I do not know how long and things had been going so well. I can barely take being a mom right now, much less a single mom with the limited support and resources available to me. I know this is just kid shit and it could be worse-it could be drugs or sex and in a few more years probably will be. I do not know how to help her and really no longer wish to even fucking bother. I just want to disappear-to no longer exist at all. I am fed up and overwhelmed and in no mind frame to handle this parenting stuff. Yet, if I do not get this and her under control this will be least of my worries. I think I scared her as much if not more than I scared myself. She was shocked and so was I. I remember asking her if she was afraid and she said she was. I then asked her if she knew what I was going to do next and she said No, I told her she should be afraid because I did not know what I was going to do next either. In the scheme of things I know A is a good kid and I am blessed. I am just so totally unprepared to handle her being challenging because she has always been such a good and easy kid. In reality I knew it could not last forever, but who would have known it could be this difficult to work with. I also feel like I am trying so hard with her and it is having no effect at all. I am under so much pressure and have so little support I feel like I am losing my mind.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-02-08T22:09:00.000-05:00

I am so upset it is unbelievable. I was feeling so much better, resolving to be more social with friends, perhaps more open to dating, feeling like Spring was coming. Then I get my yearly evaluation for work. What a shock. S is a harsh grader and last year I acepted my evaluation witout too much argument. However, this year I know my value to the company and made it clear that I would be limiting any further above and beyond type duties if i was not compensated accordingly in both my short term incentive and my raise. Well, I hit my numbers sales wise-data percentages, add-a-lines, etc but I guess S did not want to give me what I wanted for raise and short term incentive which can only be justified by a poor evaluation. Well, she calls me in her office and I can tell she was kind of nervous, the evaluation seems to be going pretty well, the usual stuff, she wants me to have better numbers, I need to be more of a leader and encourage CSR's to make more sales, etc, etc. Nothing really bad mostly pretty good, then she gets to the final evaluation where she can fill out a paragraph about me and my past year. Does she take this opportunity to say how appreciative she is of me coming in on my vacation twice and on my days off-numerous-to help? Of course not. Does she talk about how many escalations I take-more than she, D and J combined? Of course not. Does she talk about my effort to help with audit procedures or how I support inventory and merchandising as well as do CSR and manager duties? Nope, not so much as a mention of that. She takes this opportunity to say that I have poor customer service relations-which I need to work on, that I am not "happy" enough with customers and finishes that off by saying that I have expressed a desire to no longer have face to face contact with customers-which is certainly true about the less customer contact. However, the way she phrased it and conventiently leaving out about me wanting less direct customer contact after I was accosted by a customer in the parking lot outside of work and how upset I was afterwards. She portrays me as having poor customer relations in a company which prides itself on customer service. Basically, she has prevented me from being able to transfer to another store or move up in the company. I could kill the fucking bitch. Not only does she not recognize me for how very much I go above and beyong what I need to, she screws my chances for transfer or advancement. I was so upset and frustrated I was crying and the only nice thing I can say is thank the gods it was at the end of my shift. I am seriosuly considering filing a complaint with HR. I doubt it will do any good, but at this point it could hardly do any harm either.
~~~~Where ever you go, there you are!

2006-02-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

The Superbowl....well, what can I say? I do not follow sports, did not know who was playing and after having half watched the game, still am not sure who palyed, LOL!!!!!! I had a blast at D and N's. I overslept and did not make it to Zen Center, but A and I stayed home trying not to show at D and N's at an ungodly early hour. Finally I headed over and just barely had time to catch D before he headed over to his parents. It seems that D, N and M had plans to watch the game at his parents house. Oops. I felt akward imposing msyelf, but N assured me that she had no interest in going to his parents for the game and was just as glad to have me and A visit. It was really nice and healing in a way. I forgot how much I miss them. They have never gone anywhere, but I have been so absorbed in work and my funk that I think I forgot how much fun my friends are. I was disappointed with the commercials and N explained some of the game and rules to me. In the end we left before it was over because I was concerned about getting A home to bed for school the next day. I was also worried about traffic since the game was downtown. In fact I passed a ton of busses heading downtown to the stadium to pick up spectators.
I have to say that I have been following in the papers and in the news the hoopla surrounding the Superbowl being hosted by the Motor City. I have not always been a supporter of Kwame Kilpatrick-he is abit conservative for me-but he has certainly been good for the city. Detroit looks good. I was surprised when I went out downtown for my 30th b-day how clean and impressive the city was. Gone seemed to be the multitude of abandoned buildings and dirty streets I remember seeing day in and day out on my long bus rides too and from high school. I know the poverty is still there-in this economy how could it not be-but the city looks good. Makes me proud to be a native detroiter.
Less than 20 days to Con and 12 days until my vacation starts. Things are starting to look up!
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-02-02T00:45:00.000-05:00

On the romance front...... I am talking to a guy who I like. Liking a man I am conversing with is pretty rare for me. Usually, I try to go along and kind of give him-and myself-a chance, but it is only a hafl hearted effort at most. In all honesty that is how I originally felt about V. We conversed by email and I was none too impressed. Largely because he was so fascinated-and not in a good way-by my interest in Buddhism and Witchcraft. I tried to explain in the limited and frustrating way that seems to characterize most of my religious discussions with the average Christian in this culture. Much of what I believe defies description or is difficult to describe to somone who is satisified with the limitations that Christianity provides. Even more of it is unknowns and aspects I am still working out. My spirituality is a living breathing entity and ver much changing and evolving as I am changing and evolving. I tried to explain some of my base problems with Christianity and the bible, but he did not quite seem to get it and by the time we were talking on the phone I had little hope we would ever see eye to eye. Yet, our first conversation was good. He is funny and easy going and very intelligent. Even better, he is interested in what I am interested in. He has announced that he is a confirmed bachelor. Well, he is 37 and never been married, no kids and I do not think he has even been engaged-though he has been in love. I am not thinking he and I will be long term, but even if we are never more than friends, he seems a cool guy. I find myself looking forward to what develops:)
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-01-31T00:34:00.000-05:00

Well, I was feeling pretty low when I made my last post. Furthermore I was unfair to my friends and family. My father would have checked on A for me and probably I could have talked K into checking on her as well. I definetely could have called D and N for help. In fact, after reading my blog, N called to tell me that she and D hoped I knew that I could count on them and that would be have been willing and happy to have checked on A for me. It warmed my heart and made me realize just what a funk I have been in lately. I have isolated and distanced myself from my friends and even the Zen Center. I have just been working and watching tv and reading and not getting out of the house at all. I think spending so much time in my own company has not served to make me any happier. I have decided to force myself to get out more. I am always reluctant to get out and socialize, but I always feel better when I do. As such, I have decided to impose myself and my company on D and N for Superbowl Sunday. I do not think I have to work and while I am clueless to all things regarding sports, it will do me good to get out of the house and socialize and Dand N are perfect for that.
Where ever you go, There you are!

2006-01-28T22:28:00.000-05:00

Where oh where is my frigging helmet? I am enjoying the winter blahs as it is and feeling frustrated and unappreciated at work, then A calls me sobbing telling me she has stepped on a nail and is in a lot of pain. S was at work today and I knew she would give me crap about leaving so I stayed. In fact, I did not even ask to leave. It about broke my heart. To think my baby is at home in pain all alone and I am stuck at work getting screamed at by some 60 yr old guy who is mad because his wife has to sign a new contract because the account is in her name and not his. It just brought home to me how unsatisfied I am right now. Then, when I do get home I take A to Urgent Care and in the waiting room I am reading Oprah's "O" magazine and it is all about how to find a career that suits you and a perfect partner and to make your first million. It just made me feel worse. The article was about people who work as career counselors and hospice workers and charity fundraisers-where are the magazines with articles about people like me? That is why I do not watch Oprah-her show only applies to the upper class and I do not care if they are unhappy-they really have no right to be. The article did talk about change and I know I am blue because it is time for me to move on at work and I can not find an opening that works for me. I remember how much I did not want to transfer to where I am now. I remember how anxious I was and nervous and how hard it was to find my niche. I fit really well now and am happy except for my boss and the demands somewhat-more the lack of support and appreciation for what I do. I am just overwhelmed today. I have no support. My mom moves heaven and earth to help K but has no time for me. My father is not reliable, my friends are not reliable, my ex-husband is not reliable-it is just me. Most times I do not care, most times it does not matter-but today I want help. Today I want someone I can call who can actually help me. I was even desperate enough to call Je-who did not answer or call back. It is so odd to think that this time last year he was probably my best friend and I talked to him everyday for hours and saw him at least once a week. It does not really matter, A is my responsibility and not anyone elses-not even her father apparently. My glass is most definetely half empty today.
It is what it is. As L says, "My life sucks and I have no helmet!"
~~~~Whever ever you go, There you are!

2006-01-20T21:58:00.000-05:00

Dhammapada(Path of Truth)

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Awareness is the path of immortality;

thoughtlessness is the path of death.

Those who are aware do not die.

The thoughtless are as if dead already.

The wise having clearly understood this delight in awareness

and find joy in the knowledge of the noble ones.

These wise ones, meditative, persevering,

always using strong effort,

attain nirvana, the supreme peace and happiness.5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no fire like lust, no chain like hate;

there is no snare like folly, no torrent like craving.

The faults of others are easy to see;

our own are difficult to see.

A person winnows others' faults like chaff,

but hides one's own faults,

like a cheater hides bad dice.

If a person is concerned about the faults of others

and is always inclined to be offended,

one's own faults grow

and one is far from removing faults.6

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lift up your self by yourself;

examine your self by yourself.

Thus self-protected and attentive

you will live joyfully, mendicant.

For self is the master of self;

self is the refuge of self.

Therefore tame yourself,

like a merchant tames a noble horse.

Joyful and faithful in the doctrine of the Buddha,

the mendicant finds peace,

the joy of ending natural existence.7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****Selected quotes from the Dhammapada