Sunday, July 08, 2007

More Current News: Old friends update

A few years ago-around the time I first started working for VZW, I cleared alot of older friends out of my life. Not all of it was by design-quite abit was just happenstance. They moved, I worked more and saw them less. My focus in life changed and we just did not have the time we used to have. Some was due to their lives changing and one was due to a falling out.


I will start with T. I actually met T through Ch. Ch had met him online in a pagan chat group and she was playing match maker with us. Well, T was much more interested in Ch romantically than me-even though Ch was married at the time, but in the end we did become friends. T, Ch and I had a falling out-to be honest I can not even remember what it was about. I do remember that once Ch had split with Je, her husband, she briefly dated T. Well, really she lead him on. It bothered me. Perhaps I was jealous-I doubt it-or maybe it just bothered my innate sense of right and wrong. Ch knew that T had a huge crush on her and she used it-and him-to get clothes, theatre outtings, dinner, movies, etc. Ch was already sleeping with someone else, Ju-a man she had in fact been sleeping with since before she and Je split up. She knew she had no real interest in T and was just using him because she could. I think there is no more wrong behavior than using someone's feelings to manipulate them. Well, after some months I emailed T about the 9/11 bombings and we began to talk again. Before I knew it we were good friends. He was very supportive and at one point we almost semi-dated. Nothing much ever came of it and I can honestly say, thank the gods (as I am sure he can say as well). The summer I started at VZW was the summer the 5th HP book was released. B, A and I picked up the book at midnight with T, I think that is probably the last time I really saw him. Shortly after that I started working more and he met D, whom he eventually married and had a baby girl with. We still chat every now and then-but very rarely. I am always glad to hear that his family is doing well and wish him all the best. I do not think about him much though and I am sure the same is true for him.


Next we have Ch herself. Well, she and I had a series of falling outs-which eventually led to us no longer talking to eachother at all. It started when her now ex-husband Je was found to be sexually molesting his 13 year old cousin. I was thoroughly disgusted. To be honest I had always liked Je and was surprised and shocked to learn that he was a child molester. I have to admit honestly that I have no idea what I would do if I discovered that my husband and the father of my children was molesting his teenage cousin. I hope that I would kick him out and demand supervised visitation with our chilren. It is easy to be outraged and absolutely sure of what actions you would take when a situation is not happening to you. It is much stickier when the situation is your life and not theoretical. Even with that, I firmly felt that Ch should kick him out and I tried to be supportive of her choices and her right to choose what was best for her. However, she really blamed the teenaged girl-said she chased and pursued him and down played Je's role and responsibility for his actions. Ultimately that attitude lead to us having a falling out and we stopped talking for a short time. Then she did kick Je out, started openly dating Ju-who she was seeing behind Je's back anyway and we began talking again. I had missed her and it was good to have her back. Ch is the ulitmate earth mother pagan. She believed that most ills could be cured by diet and herbs and has a vast knowledge of herbs and natural medicines. She is very hippie like had a zoo of pets living in her trailer, bathing with her and the kids. She believed we focused too much on bathing and antibacterials, never wore underwear, etc. She was definetely a free spirit. However, she was also a huge hypocrite-which is what partially led to us no longer speaking. Ch hated my friend CL, she was very judgemental of CL's life choices and most especially of her pot smoking. Ch strongly felt that drugs in general were harmful and that illegal drug use was immoral-especially for a parent. Imagine my shock when her new boyfriend Ju turned out to be a potdealer. I have a liberal view of drug use. I believe that this is my body and that it is no one's business but my own what I choose to ingest as I am a consenting adult of legal age. On the other hand, I do not use legal or illegal drugs and certainly would not date a dealer. She was driving around in the car with her kids and Ju and he had a trunk full of pot. She could have lost custody of kids and was certainly endangering them by exposing them to that lifestyle. In addition Ju had a nasty temper and had in fact thrown a plate at her in anger in front of her children-and I am sure many other incidents that she was too embarassed or ashamed to admit to me. Ju sold pot to the guests at my annual Yule party-much to my horror and even brought pot to the WOM Gathering in a public park-which was waaaayyyy against the groups rules. Ch had an immense attitude when questioned about her choices. She then got pregnant-which she claims was an accident but I am positive was on purpose. I truly believe that she thought if she got knocked up Ju would move in with her and marry her. Ch had never dated a man like Ju, usually she dated men who gave her whatever she wanted. Ju kept her at a distance, he saw her when it was convenient for him, he made it clear he wanted no children, no wife and no long term committment. I think Ch wanted that when she first split with Je, but as a year or more passed, she wanted more and felt that a baby would help her to achieve that end. Whatever the case it was-of all things-her baby shower that finished our friendship off. When she first got pregnant I agreed to host her baby shower with her mom and sister. Then, my brother died, my foster daughters went back to their families and I went into a deep depression. I had forgottn all about agreeing to host her baby shower when mid-summer she springs this baby shower thing on me. She had fallen out with her mom and sister, got all of my baby stuff and already had one baby shower put on by Ju's father's family. Now she wanted another baby shower-she had invited 50 people and was looking for me to host and pay for the whole thing. I backed out, she had a huge fit and I never returned her calls or emails. That was the end of our friendship. Odd but true. We were still on some of the same online groups and so I congratulated her when her daughter was born. Well, recently I saw that her oldest daughter had been diagnosed with kidney failure and was on dialysis awaiting a kidney. Actually, B saw her on the news and I looked it up online and was shocked to see it was her daughter. I emailed her and semi-followed the news of how her daughter was doing. I am glad to report that she did get a kidney replacement and is recovering and healing well. Ch and I still do not talk and while at times I do miss her, I can honestly say I do not miss her enough to extend the hand of friendship again. I can tell from her posts that even though 4 years have passed she is still in the same place in her life she was in 4 years ago. That in and of itself is enough to keep my distance.

Then there is CL-easily my oldest friend. I have known CL since the 9th grade when I was 14 and she was 13. We have not kept in constant touch over the years, but even after a period of not speaking for a couple of years, our friendship seems to pick up like it never stopped. I also protect myself from being too close to her. CL is great is many ways, but she carries the seeds of her own destruction within her. Also, she always puts herself first-always and that makes it hard to trust her. I know in my heart of hearts, even if she doesn't, that if it benefited her in the slightest she would do it, even if it destroyed me-and feel no guilt about it. I admire that in her and also fear it. So, we stay friends and almost more like sisters-competing, comparing and striving and she knows me better than anyone alive, at times better than I know myself. She can enlighten an issue that has been plaguing me for weeks with one comment that illuminates what I am really feeling and what really motivates me. Yet she is destruction personified, like the Yoruban goddess Oya-the river goddess-who brings life and death together. She is as smart as the day is long and a born salesmen, all of the tools she needs to be successful and then some. She is dedicated and hardworking-but always thinking she is smarter than the corporation and I see sales reps like her fired everyday. I try and tell her that even if it seems like everyone else does it and gets away with it, there are still people fired for it and to watch it. I know she pays me no mind, thinking me too timid for my position. She also makes enemies, she is loud, crass and brash-you either love her or hate or-she allows no middle ground. She tells the truth that polite society ignores and it earns her enemies-she thinks because they laugh they like her-nothing could be further from the truth. I try to school her in the knowledge that the company is smaller than she thinks and advise her on moves to advance her career. But she still sees VZW as a job with career possibilities rather than a career with life possibilities. She is still tempted by the ease of staying home with her kids and chasing her boyfriend while collecting state assistance, never advancing and making a real life for herself and her kids. She is always looking for the instant success and ignoring the hard work that goes into it. I worry about her, we are about the same age but she is immature. She seems to see no end to the life style she lives and the choices she makes. I can honestly say that she lives her life fully and will never regret not taking every chance that came her way. However, she may regret not seeing through every opportunity that she was offered. If she messes this up, I do not hold out much hope for her being other than a waitress or hustling or both. Niether options the life style that will get what she desires in life-respect and stability. The straight life is full of hard work and small promotions, but it is the life our society has designed for us. Part of growing up is finding your place in it-she can see that but can not seem to find her way to it.

Last but not least is Ca-the friend who actually started this train of thought for me. Ca lived in the seem apartment complex I lived in in R. I met her at the pool one summer with A. She has daughters 1 and 2 years older than A and they all three played together for awhile. Ca is older than me and also has children who are grown, about 5-7 years younger than I am. Ca is also different. She lives outside of the mainstream life style. She had a traumatic childhood and as such has developed into a rather different adult. She is quiet and closed and in an effort to remain so is not at all opposed to telling white lies. It never ceased to amaze me the extent to which Ca varies the truth. Much of what she says is not an outright untruth, so much as it is a very stretched version of the truth. All I can think is that whatever happened to her as a child and young adult so scarred her that this is what developed out of it-a very strong instinct to survive and protect. Yet, she is one of the nicest, kindest, most generous people I have ever met. Ca gives with her whole heart and being-whether she has it to spare or not-with no strings attached. Her gifts require and desrire nothing in return, she gives because she can and for the joy of giving-not many people can say that-in most instances I can't. She is a loving, caring and nurturing mother to her kids. I wish I had more of that in me. Her relationships with men were ultra destructive and often her down fall-I think largely because she was too scarred by her past to trust them, but needed them in her inner being to be ok. She finally met K-who is as sweet as she is and seems to love her with no expectations for himself. Her relationship with K has given me hope as I date. Ca and I grew apart as she first began driving truck, then moved out of the area. Later she moved back but in a different part of R and her girls were no longer friends with A and we just grew apart. With all of that said, I truly believe that if I had nothing and no one I could stay with Ca-both A and I both as long as we needed to. Ca is that type of person. It had been almost a year since I spoke to her. My emails never really went through to her even when we talked everyday and I had lost her phone number in my multiple phone swaps and moving, etc. I got an email from her friday. I was shocked and happy and replied immediately. I sent her my cell number since I no longer had her contact information. She called me and we caught up. I was shocked and horrifed to hear that her oldest daughter has an incurable form of cancer. I mean speechless shocked. Strangely enough I wanted to hang up on her when she told me. Not because I was angry, but because I did not want to even believe that of her daughter K. I always liked K-she was quiet and responsible and a bookworm. She was honest and could always be counted on to do the right thing. She kind of reminds me of Hermione from HP. It is unreal to me that anything could be truly wrong with her. It seems like life at it's most unfair and cruel. It personifies for me the very reason I am not a Christian. When people ask me why I reject Christianity, Judaism, Islam in favor of more unorganised religions I am often at an almost loss for words. I reject them because they do not suit me-which is no explanation at all. Yet, K's illness gives me the ground to truly explain what I feel. If God is all seeing and all knowing and nothing happens without his grace-why is K ill and dying? In what just universe would a child like her be so stricken? It is not because I fear death-because death is a natural part of life and we should not and in fact I do not fear death. Yet, this child will suffer and die without ever having really lived. She will never be a mom, probably never marry, maybe never have a true relationship. She may not even be able to finish school-as she has had to drop out for her treatments already. Why should she suffer so? How could that possibly be apart of God's plan? What good could it possibly serve? Why her and not someone who has done something wrong-like my ex-husband? Why? It is far easier for me to believe in nature and that life is just what it is-always changing with no real rhyme or reason, so why ask why, than to believe that God planned this horror for this child as part of some vast unknowable scheme. To believe so insults what this girl will suffer and if she were my child to say so to me would probably put a persons physical being in danger. This is why I am not afraid to be wrong and go to hell. 'Cause if God in Heaven allows this in his kingdom-and he is supposed to love us more than our parents do-I want no part of his heaven.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

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