Friday, January 20, 2006

Forgive me dedicated blogger readers it has been....... weeks since my last post:) At least a month since I wrote anything of true substance. Yikes!!!!!!!

New years resolutions, hm, did I cover this already? My major goal for the new year is to live totally and completely in the moment. It feels like I spend my life just getting through, getting by and getting over something or other. The truth is the moments are my life and rather than trying to just survive it, I want to live it. Every little argument with A, every customer having a huge meltdown over the $10.00 phone book transfer fee, every time I tell A for millionth time to BRUSH HER TEETH!!!!!!!!!, everytime I ignore my mom's calls and let the voicemail get it, every time I do dishes or laundry or drive to work. I need to truly be present in the moment, every moment.

Then there are the things I would like to see happen in the new year. First and foremost to take better care of my health. I have been sick quite abit this year and I think I can eat better, sleep better, excercise more and meditate more and benefit loads from it. I would also like to see myself partnered this year. I think I have had a nice long-mostly enjoyable-time of being exclusively single and I am ready to be a part of a couple again. I want to finish my bachelors and perhaps even start my masters-but at the least finish my bachelors. Perhaps move or purchase a house? I am still in the air about that one:) I also want to try and be a more relaxed parent and try to focus less on A's short comings and more on our good times together. That is much easier said than done. I tell you, each day with A has to be taken moment by moment and see how it goes and what develops, sigh. If this is her last year as a pre-teen I am almost scared to experience her first year as a teen. I am also hoping that my sister B still comes to live with me. I love her dearly and would like to have her here everyday. I would also like to develop my writing abilities perhaps. I am an excellent writer, but not to good at fiction. I would like to take a writing class maybe or even just to try my hand it untrained and see what develops. I am not looking to be published or famous, but I do think it would be a good hobby for me. Now all I need is an idea to write about:)

Lets see, I saw King Kong and sadly it sucked. It was so darn boring and it seemed to take at least an hour to even get a scene with King Kong in it. I found the back story boring and did not feel as sorry for King Kong as I thought I would. Well, I am not really that much of an animal lover anyway and honestly, King Kong could hardly be left to run around New York killing innocent people. I do think more of an attempt could have been made to return him to his forbidden island and that he should never have been stolen and exploited anyway.

I find myself pulling more away from my witchy beliefs and more towards my Buddhist beliefs. I am not sure if that is good or bad and if I care or not. I still feel a pull towards all things pagan but I focus more and more on the present and less and less on the mystical. Not that I do not believe in the mystical as much as it is less important. Buddhism focuses so much on this moment, honoring the past, recognizing the future-but truly focusing on THIS moment. As that type of thought and practice becomes a part of me, I focus less and less on witchy things. It is sad in a way. I think I will always be a witch at heart and in some of my practice, I very much "cling" to my pagan roots. Part of the core definition of myself is very much tied up in both my witchiness and my blackness. I find myself focusing less and less on these aspects of myself and more and more on the present. In a way I fear losing this definition of myself and sometimes panic at how detached I have become to the very things that most defined who I am. In other ways I am very proud of myself for growing beyond the need to cling so strongly to these aspects of myself. Life is change and letting go is to fear less and live more.

I have become fascinated with idea of 'locs-dreadlocks. I have always liked and kind of wanted them. This year I decided to really look into it. I know they are expensive to maintain and require quite abit of work to look good. I have also heard that the best ones are grown from scratch and for that I would need to shave my head and start over. Normally this would have been enough to make me forget the whole thing. Now, I find myself fascinated with the idea. I cling to my hair and what it represents for me and I know a common Buddhist practice is to let go of that which we cling to and I believe that shaving my head would be ideal for that. I could let go of my ideals of beauty and what my hair represents to me, both as a woman and an american. I also like the idea of a more tradionally african hair style. I am going to give it further thought, but right now I think spring or summer might be a good time.

Well, currently I am home, off of work sick as a dog. I have a blasted bladder/kidney infection and I feel like absolute shite. I was already off this weekend but due to my illness I had to also take off yesterday and today. My boss is such a complete and total biotch. She acted like I got sick on purpose or was lying about being sick to spite her. She insisted on my discharge papers from the emergency room. What makes me so angry is that I have worked sick the vast majority of this winter. I mean really sick, feverish, hoarse, runny nose, coughing, sneezing, no voice at all-you name it. I have left A at home alone and gone to work and then she acts like I am lying for some time off because I am sick. I am honestly at home, in my pj's in pain and feeling totally miserable. The more I work for her, the more I believe that perhaps there is a devil in human form. Lol! Anyway, I have decided to take a stand against het unchecked and rampant biotchhood and I am going to make her clal HR and HR back her up in seeing my hospital papers before I hand anything over to her. Mostly because we had an employee-a sales rep-who called in two weekends in a row and I KNOW she did not have give documentation of her illness and I am just sick to death of S acting one way with some employees and totally different way with others. I truly believe I have ill so muc because I am constantly working sick and therefore never truly recovering from my illnesses. Also, I really give my all to that job, come in early, stay late, even coming in on my days off and vacation time. I deserve better from her, way better and I am sick unto death of her bullshit behavior. So, we shall see what develops and see if she can not be knocked down a peg or two from her high and mighty throne:)
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!


Blogger elisabetta_ said...

as much as we wish for the mighty to be dragged down a peg, we all know she is one of the "golden children" and can do no wrong . . .

3:33 PM  

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