Well, it has been some time since I have posted. In some ways feels like much has happened, on the other hand it also feels like the same shit different day:)
First vacation: I was in major lazy mode over vacation. I did not even get dressed most days. I slept in, watched tv, read-lounged and chilled. I spent some quality time with A and even managed to see B both weekends. I also had a date. It was nice. I went out with J. We both really like sci fi and fantasy-read the same books, watch the same movies, some of the same shows. I was pretty excited. I have never really dated a man into sci fi and fantasy. Which is odd since both sci fi and fantasy are both largely marketed to men and are very male dominated genres. Well, J is 20 years older than me. That kind of threw me for a loop. I had promised myself after my ex-husband that I would never again date or be involved with a man who was that much older than me. However, since we had so much in common I decided not to make a mountain out of a mole hill and see what developed. As it turns out, nothing much developed-but it was a nice date anyway. It was kind of weird. He came around the car and opened my car door-which I do not think I have had anyone do since I was a kid or maybe when I was pregnant or right after surgery. He was nice but kind of snobby and elite-ist. Sigh, oh well. It was good to get out of the house and he paid!
I finished up my vacation by going to D and N's for dinner. It was great. It was good to see them again and it almost felt like old times.
I also heard from Je over my vacation. He called me on Samhain. He said that he had a dream in which he saw me and A in the mall and we all hugged each other and cried. He brought up the money right away and offered to pay me back $50.00 that friday and $50.00 the following friday. He told me a little bit about what was going on with he and Ja, but our conversation was pretty short. Of course, the following friday he did not call me nor answer when I called him. I finally sent him a text message after about 10 days asking him why he bothered calling and saying he wanted us to be friends again if he was just going to not answer when I called nor bother to call me back. He called me about week later and told me he had a relapse and was back in treatment and off of work. He sounds bad and I felt sorry for him but at the same time I am sick to death of him dicking me around. I did talk to him very briefly this past saturday and he sounded much better, he was out of treatment and headed back to work today.
I missed F and S's wedding. I really wanted to go but as soon as I got back to work after my vacation I got sick. First I lost my voice than I got a full blown cold. It was awful. We are short staffed and I do not want bad attendance so I worked sick. The bad part is I gave it my cold to many of my co-workers. A' was back from sick leave and it was good to see her as well. I was just too worn out on the day of F and S's wedding to make it. I felt bad though. I heard it was really nice and that F looked absolutely beautiful.
I also had a rough patch at work. It finally worked out but I was really, really stressing there over it for awhile. This is what happened. The Tuesday or Wednesday after I was back from vacation, E was helping me with merchandising. I was sick and tired and irritable. It was just the two of us in the inventory room. I was sitting on either a step stool or in A's chair. E got a text message laughed and said, "Look what E(her boyfriend) sent me, he is such a nut." I took her phone and looked at the text message, it said something along the lines of, "Those monkeys in Detroit voted Kwame Kilpatrick back in." I could tell E was sorry she had showed me the text message, in all honesty I think because of my eccentricities she forgot I was black. I lack words to describe the feelings I felt when I read the text. On the one hand, I was angry about it referring to blacks as "monkeys". On the other hand, it bothered me most because it was E. E and I are cool and while I might not have been as bothered had it been someone I barely speak to, the fact that it was E showing me that made it worse. I would have been bothered if it was someone else showing me the text, but I would have let them know in no uncertain terms that it was racist and belittling and told them to get the f*ck out of my face. Instead, I handled it horribly. I did not say anything to E at all. I wanted to give myself time to ponder it first, see if I was being too sensitive about the situation. This is where I further compounded my mistake. A asked me what was wrong and I told her about the incident. YIKES!!!!! At the time she was really nice about it. She suggested that I tell E it bothered me. I did not think anymore about it that day. The next day I was a closer and came in late. When I got there A told me that I needed to say something to E or else she would. She had also told C-the other black employee and he was pretty ticked off about it. This was starting to grow into more than I ever intended for it to be. I tried to call D-the assistant manager who was on vacation and ask her for advice about how to handle the situation-but she was unavailable. I was still trying to decide how to handle it myself when A called me and told me that she had told S-the store manager-and that I needed to talk to her about it myself. I was shocked. I was not happy with the situation, but had no intention of telling upper management about it. I can handle E and the situation on my own and did not want to file a formal complaint against her. On the other hand, at this point I am backed into corner because it is against company policy to gossip about other employees. So, I go in and talk to S. She was pretty upset and tells me she will have to talk to E about the situation and possibly R-the district manager. I tell her that I do not believe that E is a racist and said that perhaps she did not realize that "monkeys" was a derrogatory term for blacks. S said well, it is a big deal and not ok and E may very well get into trouble for it. This was the truly f-ed up part. E was on vacation until tuesday, at which time S would not be there to talk to her about it and I was not supposed to discuss it with anyone. Of course I told my best friend, CL. CL thought it was kind of sad if E got into trouble for it, but she also felt that the her showing me the text was way out of line and perhaps getting in trouble would teach her a valuable lesson. Either way I was upset about it getting out of hand, upset about the issue even escalating to management and also upset about not being able to talk to E about it myself. Well, I was off wednesday and thursday and thursday E was supposed to meet me to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter. I was not sure if she would show up or call, but she sent me a text asking what time we wanted to meet. We met at the theatre and after we sat down she asked me about it. On the one hand I was very relieved to finally have it out in the open as I had been stressing about it for almost a week at that point. On the other hand, I was distressed at how little responsibility E felt for the situation. She did not really see herself as having done anything wrong. She also remembered the events very differently than I did, or claimed to anyway. In a sense I do not blame her since S made it very clear to her that her job was on the line. She said that I must have seen the text on her phone, that she never showed it to me. I did not bother to comment or argue it with her. If I wanted to press the issue I could easily ask for the inventory room tape of that day which would show her handing me her phone. I do not ever pick up or look at anyone else's phone with out permission much less read their text messages. She did apologize to me if I was hurt, but she definetely felt that she was the victim and even felt that I was being vindicative by pursueing the incident. I explained that I was not persueing the incident voluntarily and had told S repeatedly that I did not believe E to be a racist. E said her boyfriend E was a racist-which did not much surprise me. I made it clear that I was not after her job and that even if she and her boyfriend were both racists I really do not give a shit. This is America and they are entitled to be as small minded and bigoted as they like. E said if she was terminated she would sue, since other people make inappropraite comments and do not get terminated for them. I could see the unfairness of it, however, it is not much of a defense. It is like speeding-if you get pulled over you can not point out that people all around you were speeding as a defense. You still broke the rule by speeding and the cop stopped you-other people getting away with it does not make you innocent if caught. However, I could see that E was desperate to keep her job and her sanity. I am sure it was a nightmare not knowing what was going to happen. I spoke with S the next day and after talking to me she told me the situation was over and to come to her next time-as if! I let E know and she was definetely relieved. The situation was strange. I felt that the rules about racial slurs were being misused in this situation. The comment bothered me, but E is not in a position of power over me and I do not feel intimidated by her views or the remark. My feelings were hurt by her lack of sensitivity but that had more to do with her being friendly with me than the remark itself. I felt like the rules were in place to stop intimidation in the work place and while I was pissed I was not afraid nor did I feel belittled. On the other hand, I will never see E the same way again. It was eye opening in many ways. It also brings home to me the level and ways I have matured. There would have been a time when E's job was not enough to make that text ok. There would have been a time when I probably would have smacked the taste out of her mouth for even daring to think such a thing was funny. I am glad and sad at the same time. Has living here and spending my life in this area made me less racially conscious? Should I have wanted E punished for her carelessness? On the other hand I am glad that I am no longer carrying around my ethnic identity like baggage-it would only hurt me and burden me to be ultra sensitive about it-but surely there is a happy medium somewhere between the two. I have always identified very strongly with being black. It has been as important to me as being female is. When did that change? Is that change good or bad? In many ways I am socially more white than black and where once I would have rejected that part of myself, now I accept it-even embrace it? I date more white men than any other race and think it is highly probable I will marry a white man next time around. I do not wish to be white, nor thought of as white-but am I losing my blackness in my lifestyle and the choices I make. Do I care? Is it important? Complicated.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!
First vacation: I was in major lazy mode over vacation. I did not even get dressed most days. I slept in, watched tv, read-lounged and chilled. I spent some quality time with A and even managed to see B both weekends. I also had a date. It was nice. I went out with J. We both really like sci fi and fantasy-read the same books, watch the same movies, some of the same shows. I was pretty excited. I have never really dated a man into sci fi and fantasy. Which is odd since both sci fi and fantasy are both largely marketed to men and are very male dominated genres. Well, J is 20 years older than me. That kind of threw me for a loop. I had promised myself after my ex-husband that I would never again date or be involved with a man who was that much older than me. However, since we had so much in common I decided not to make a mountain out of a mole hill and see what developed. As it turns out, nothing much developed-but it was a nice date anyway. It was kind of weird. He came around the car and opened my car door-which I do not think I have had anyone do since I was a kid or maybe when I was pregnant or right after surgery. He was nice but kind of snobby and elite-ist. Sigh, oh well. It was good to get out of the house and he paid!
I finished up my vacation by going to D and N's for dinner. It was great. It was good to see them again and it almost felt like old times.
I also heard from Je over my vacation. He called me on Samhain. He said that he had a dream in which he saw me and A in the mall and we all hugged each other and cried. He brought up the money right away and offered to pay me back $50.00 that friday and $50.00 the following friday. He told me a little bit about what was going on with he and Ja, but our conversation was pretty short. Of course, the following friday he did not call me nor answer when I called him. I finally sent him a text message after about 10 days asking him why he bothered calling and saying he wanted us to be friends again if he was just going to not answer when I called nor bother to call me back. He called me about week later and told me he had a relapse and was back in treatment and off of work. He sounds bad and I felt sorry for him but at the same time I am sick to death of him dicking me around. I did talk to him very briefly this past saturday and he sounded much better, he was out of treatment and headed back to work today.
I missed F and S's wedding. I really wanted to go but as soon as I got back to work after my vacation I got sick. First I lost my voice than I got a full blown cold. It was awful. We are short staffed and I do not want bad attendance so I worked sick. The bad part is I gave it my cold to many of my co-workers. A' was back from sick leave and it was good to see her as well. I was just too worn out on the day of F and S's wedding to make it. I felt bad though. I heard it was really nice and that F looked absolutely beautiful.
I also had a rough patch at work. It finally worked out but I was really, really stressing there over it for awhile. This is what happened. The Tuesday or Wednesday after I was back from vacation, E was helping me with merchandising. I was sick and tired and irritable. It was just the two of us in the inventory room. I was sitting on either a step stool or in A's chair. E got a text message laughed and said, "Look what E(her boyfriend) sent me, he is such a nut." I took her phone and looked at the text message, it said something along the lines of, "Those monkeys in Detroit voted Kwame Kilpatrick back in." I could tell E was sorry she had showed me the text message, in all honesty I think because of my eccentricities she forgot I was black. I lack words to describe the feelings I felt when I read the text. On the one hand, I was angry about it referring to blacks as "monkeys". On the other hand, it bothered me most because it was E. E and I are cool and while I might not have been as bothered had it been someone I barely speak to, the fact that it was E showing me that made it worse. I would have been bothered if it was someone else showing me the text, but I would have let them know in no uncertain terms that it was racist and belittling and told them to get the f*ck out of my face. Instead, I handled it horribly. I did not say anything to E at all. I wanted to give myself time to ponder it first, see if I was being too sensitive about the situation. This is where I further compounded my mistake. A asked me what was wrong and I told her about the incident. YIKES!!!!! At the time she was really nice about it. She suggested that I tell E it bothered me. I did not think anymore about it that day. The next day I was a closer and came in late. When I got there A told me that I needed to say something to E or else she would. She had also told C-the other black employee and he was pretty ticked off about it. This was starting to grow into more than I ever intended for it to be. I tried to call D-the assistant manager who was on vacation and ask her for advice about how to handle the situation-but she was unavailable. I was still trying to decide how to handle it myself when A called me and told me that she had told S-the store manager-and that I needed to talk to her about it myself. I was shocked. I was not happy with the situation, but had no intention of telling upper management about it. I can handle E and the situation on my own and did not want to file a formal complaint against her. On the other hand, at this point I am backed into corner because it is against company policy to gossip about other employees. So, I go in and talk to S. She was pretty upset and tells me she will have to talk to E about the situation and possibly R-the district manager. I tell her that I do not believe that E is a racist and said that perhaps she did not realize that "monkeys" was a derrogatory term for blacks. S said well, it is a big deal and not ok and E may very well get into trouble for it. This was the truly f-ed up part. E was on vacation until tuesday, at which time S would not be there to talk to her about it and I was not supposed to discuss it with anyone. Of course I told my best friend, CL. CL thought it was kind of sad if E got into trouble for it, but she also felt that the her showing me the text was way out of line and perhaps getting in trouble would teach her a valuable lesson. Either way I was upset about it getting out of hand, upset about the issue even escalating to management and also upset about not being able to talk to E about it myself. Well, I was off wednesday and thursday and thursday E was supposed to meet me to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter. I was not sure if she would show up or call, but she sent me a text asking what time we wanted to meet. We met at the theatre and after we sat down she asked me about it. On the one hand I was very relieved to finally have it out in the open as I had been stressing about it for almost a week at that point. On the other hand, I was distressed at how little responsibility E felt for the situation. She did not really see herself as having done anything wrong. She also remembered the events very differently than I did, or claimed to anyway. In a sense I do not blame her since S made it very clear to her that her job was on the line. She said that I must have seen the text on her phone, that she never showed it to me. I did not bother to comment or argue it with her. If I wanted to press the issue I could easily ask for the inventory room tape of that day which would show her handing me her phone. I do not ever pick up or look at anyone else's phone with out permission much less read their text messages. She did apologize to me if I was hurt, but she definetely felt that she was the victim and even felt that I was being vindicative by pursueing the incident. I explained that I was not persueing the incident voluntarily and had told S repeatedly that I did not believe E to be a racist. E said her boyfriend E was a racist-which did not much surprise me. I made it clear that I was not after her job and that even if she and her boyfriend were both racists I really do not give a shit. This is America and they are entitled to be as small minded and bigoted as they like. E said if she was terminated she would sue, since other people make inappropraite comments and do not get terminated for them. I could see the unfairness of it, however, it is not much of a defense. It is like speeding-if you get pulled over you can not point out that people all around you were speeding as a defense. You still broke the rule by speeding and the cop stopped you-other people getting away with it does not make you innocent if caught. However, I could see that E was desperate to keep her job and her sanity. I am sure it was a nightmare not knowing what was going to happen. I spoke with S the next day and after talking to me she told me the situation was over and to come to her next time-as if! I let E know and she was definetely relieved. The situation was strange. I felt that the rules about racial slurs were being misused in this situation. The comment bothered me, but E is not in a position of power over me and I do not feel intimidated by her views or the remark. My feelings were hurt by her lack of sensitivity but that had more to do with her being friendly with me than the remark itself. I felt like the rules were in place to stop intimidation in the work place and while I was pissed I was not afraid nor did I feel belittled. On the other hand, I will never see E the same way again. It was eye opening in many ways. It also brings home to me the level and ways I have matured. There would have been a time when E's job was not enough to make that text ok. There would have been a time when I probably would have smacked the taste out of her mouth for even daring to think such a thing was funny. I am glad and sad at the same time. Has living here and spending my life in this area made me less racially conscious? Should I have wanted E punished for her carelessness? On the other hand I am glad that I am no longer carrying around my ethnic identity like baggage-it would only hurt me and burden me to be ultra sensitive about it-but surely there is a happy medium somewhere between the two. I have always identified very strongly with being black. It has been as important to me as being female is. When did that change? Is that change good or bad? In many ways I am socially more white than black and where once I would have rejected that part of myself, now I accept it-even embrace it? I date more white men than any other race and think it is highly probable I will marry a white man next time around. I do not wish to be white, nor thought of as white-but am I losing my blackness in my lifestyle and the choices I make. Do I care? Is it important? Complicated.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!
posted by Laileanah at 7:43 PM
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