Friday, October 14, 2005

Thoughts on death and destiny and reincarnation.......
I have been told I have some kind of different ideas about death. For one I do not really fear death-I fear pain, I fear lingering, I fear incompetence or losing control of my bladder-but not death. In all honesty I look forward to death-to the idea that my life has an end, a finishing point. Some days when I have had all I can take and feel like I can not stand my life another minute- the fact of my impending death makes it easier to get through the day. I know it makes me sound like some kind of weird depressed/suicidal individual-but nothing could be further from the truth. I do not want to die now and have no serious desire to kill myself-especially since I semi-believe in reincarnation and that if you committ suicide because you can not face it in this lifetime, you will only doom yourself to these same lessons and heart aches in your next lifetime since your soul can not advance until you learn whatever it is souls need to learn to advance-or so I like to think anyway. I am not too sure what happens when you die and I find that comforting as well-that it is unknown-and kind of exciting. I like to think there is an afterlife-maybe a resting place for your soul where you catch up with those you have known in previous lifetimes, go over what you learned in your last lifetime and get ready for what you need to learn in your upcoming lifetime-but that is mostly wishful thinking on my part. I am inclined to believe in reincarnation-first because it just such a cool idea-recycling of the soul and second, because I have had the experience, more than once, of meeting someone for the first time but feeling instantly like I have known them forever. I like to think that is because our souls knew eachother in a former lifetime. Also, my mom believes in reincarnation. She insists I am an old soul and that after I was born-before the hospital put the drops in my eyes-I looked her in the eye and she could see in my eyes that I recognized her and was aware of what was happening. After they put the drops in my eyes she says I was blank, like a baby should be. She also used to tell me that I picked my life and my parents before I was born, that I chose my situation for a specific reason and should therefore try and remember that when I was frustrated and irritated. I think that helped me to feel more in control of the blindly sailing ship that is my life. I like the idea that souls are reborn over and over until we learn what we need to learn or get our lives "right". What exactly that is, enlightenment? Or what happens to souls once they reach enlightenment and no longer need to be reborn? What purpose does a totally advanced, enlightened old soul fulfill? Do those souls than transend to a higher plane of existence? Do little green men in flying saucers come to collect these enlightened souls? Who knows, reincarnation seems shaky to me without a clear idea of what we are being reincarnated/enlightened for or towards-but there is comfort in not knowing for sure as well. I also sometimes feel like people are old souls or new souls. Like my sisters. My baby sister-B-is definetely an old soul, she is mature and self-contained-grounded. My middle sister-K-is definetely a new soul, she is afraid, lost and always seeking satisfaction. Reincarnation in a way feeds into the whole destiny thing and I like that idea somewhat as well. I do not believe our whole lives are planned for us, but I do think some things are "meant" to be. Perhaps they were choices we made or challenges placed upon us in the resting place of the soul before reincarnation/birth in this lifetime. I like that idea. It makes some of the chaos of my life seem more rational and makes me feel more like I have control over the things that are happening-whether I do not or not. Again, who knows if this is true or not, but when I held A for the first time in my arms-I knew I was born to be her mother. I have never been as sure of anything before or since. I just like the idea of recycled souls, but I also think there is a distinct possibility that we die and that is it. I find that comforting too, not as sexy as reincarnation, but comforting in its own way. An end to what is happening now. If I thought I had to live forever I do not think I could face another day. I do not understand people who want to live forever or even to be 100-why? Most people are unhappy, poor, tired and stressed out-why would you want 100 years of that? All things must eventually come to an end and to me that is comforting. The idea that one day I will not get up early or sleep in late, that I will not work or cook or clean or laugh or cry, that one day I will truly rest-body and soul forever. I guess it is the promise that there is more to life than the daily bullshit that seems to comprise my everyday life-with death there is the promise-if not of more-at least of a break from this. I also find comfort in that death is a known thing. Nothing else in life is promised to me-not marriage, not kids, not a house, not a car, not love, not even parents-but death-thats a for sure thing. Everything that is born dies and that I can count on. I am expressing what comforts me about death clumisly. What it is about an end to life as we know it that offers me comfort in the here and now?-not that my life is bad or even that I am unhappy. I not deliriously, deliciously ecstatic, but I am certainly more than content. I have a job I mostly like that pays enough for me to live, a daughter who is healthy, happy, safe, sane, intelligent and beautiful and family and friends. My life is definetely half full (opposed to half-empty) and most days I even feel like my cup runneth over. So it is not that I feel sad about life, so much as I am comforted by the idea of an end to it. I loved being pregnant-I felt invincible, powerful, like a goddess, yet, I was comforted by the idea that it had an end. I was probably most scared when I was so sick for so long-because I feared it would never end. Change is the only truth in our universe-nothing stays the same and sometimes that is comforting and sometimes it is not.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

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