Two posts in almost the same week, that must be almost a record for me:)
Let' s see on the work front......
E moved to part time and we could not get the approval to replace her. It appears that something has been worked out and we are now going to get a part time RSR. It is a position that SCS got approved and posted for, but who is actually going to work at our store. So, we are doing intrviews. I am pretty sure we will hire one of our current greeters. I need to talk to KB but I think we should go with C. C and R are both greeters since the beginning of December. I like R alot, she is nice, sweet, good with customers and just a really nice person. Also, she is settled and that would be a nice addition to our staff. However, she is needy. She has had issues with A and E and she always wants to leave early and has called in a few times. I also feel like she is just doing what needs to be done to make ends meet and the moment something else opens up she would leave with little or no notice. She wants to make more than we pay and I do not think she is really prepared for the reality of working retail. I also am not sure she would be able to handle the quota and bring in sales and business. I think she is nervous about it too. Niether prospects really build my confidence in hiring her. On the other hand C is very attractive, the staff and customers love her, men come in to see her and I think she could hit and exceed her quota just by playing on her looks-especially in our location. I like R better and I believe that K does too. I just think that C is the better business choice and that is going to be a difficult call to make. It will be akward as hell hiring one and not the other and is sure to cause hurt feelings whoever does not get hired. I just need to know how KB feels. He has been so mellow lately and we seem to be trending on getting along better. I have heard that his wife is pregnant with baby #7, so maybe he is motivated to really make our store work. I do not know. Whatever it is, it seems to be working out for the best for us both.
On the friend front.......
I am talking to CL alot. She moved recently to RO and her moved in with her. She seems happy with the move and her mom. She also decided not to see men for a while which I think is a realy good idea. She is trying to make better choices and I support that 100%. I also see her fear that she will always be alone. She is trying to resign herself to it, but I really do not think it has to be that way for her. I think she can find someone who loves and suits her and be happy. I know she also thinks I will ultimately end up alone and I think in a strange way it comforts her. Makes it easier for her to be alone. She says that we have many of the same issues and fears, they just manifest very differently in us. She is right. I too am afraid to be alone, but rather than pick up every loser that comes my way, I shut myself off and look for reasons to push men away. I have been through periods in my life where I thought I was resigned to being alone. There have even been times when I believed myself that I was ok with it. Yet, I know that is not true either. I am just crippled by fears and my own worst enemy-just like she is. I see her growing and maturing and I know she will be ok. It is difficult for her in a way it is not for me. I have always envied her ease with people, men, sex and situations. She is in her element where ever she is, she does not blend in, but she can find her place. I feel like I am always odd man out-I can fake it and often do, but I do not really fit, do not really have a place. Even when I find a niche I am not really comfortable there. I only recently realized that she envies me my maturity. In both of our cases, our greatest strengths are also our greatest faults, life is odd like that.
Then there is D and N. I had been seeing them alot until I started dating B. They came to my party and we even talked about vacationing together. I am hoping that even though they are back from vacation like 3 days before Con starts, that they are still planning on attending Con. It would not eb the same without them. I am kinda worried about N, she seems down. I think it is probably the winter blahs, but my instinct tells me something is off, not wrong necesarily so much as not quite right. I think Con will renew her and I hope she is able to come.
On the parent front....
My step dad is sick. He was here around my birthday for Aunt M's funeral. He looked awful, I mean really, really bad. He had prostate cancer years ago, A was still a baby. I guess he started having problems or something because he was undergoing radiation for it again. I did not realize what a toll radiation took on the body. Eventually my mom got him to the hospital-where he needed 4 pints of blood-no wonder he was so sick. He left for home just before Yule and a few weeks ago K called to tell me he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and was having surgery. W is not my real father, and I love my P alot. But, W has been in my life since I was 2, I do not have a single memory that does not include him. I can not remember a time when he was not my dad. I do not pretend that this is as diffiicult for me as it is for K, but I am more upset than I thought. I realize that why I always knew rationally that I would lose my parents, I never think about it happening anytime soon. I always thought P would have the most issues-he had heart problems, high blood pressure and stuff before I was even born. He has had a few minor heart attacks, but G takes excellent care of him. I think he will significantly longer thanks to the care she takes with him. On the other hand, now that he and mom have divorced, W has really gone done health wise. It concerns me. I am not ready to lose him, even though I do not talk to him much. He has been a constant and dependable strength in my life for as long as I can remember. Hell A spends more time with him than she does with P. I want to be there for his surgery, but he called to tell me to wait until he was better and to bring the girls to visit him. I am thinking of going over Easter-if I can get it off. Or after the family reunion. Still, if something happens and I did not take the time or make the effort to see him more I know I will regret it for as long as I live. I am not ready to start this phase of my life-caring for and worrying about my parents.
On the dating front....
after my last post I had decided to stop seeing B, but CL talked me out of it. She said that I just wanted to run away because I was scared and that in all likelihood I would end up with a broken heart and crying over this fool (I know great way to encourage me, huh?) BUT that it would not be the same as it was before. I am older, more mature and have too much going on to lose it over a man, any man. Also, she pointed out (as have others) that no man is perfect and sometimes you have to work with what you get. She told me to think less and live more. I am happy and enjoying the company, why worry about if he is "the one" or not. So, I am pulling up my big pants and trying to just not think too much. See my problem is I analyze life as much as I live it. I am so busy trying to see what I did wrong and how I can learn from it and not make the same mistake that I allow my fears to cripple me. I have been forced to make ends meet for myself and A. I have never really had anyone I could completely depend on, that has helped me to develop what I need to be successful. It has also made me leery of trusting others and even giving them a chance. I want to control the situation, control the outcome, control the people involved, mitigate the damages. I realize rationally that life can not be controlled, trying to do so only makes me unhappy, yet I can not seem to move beyond it. So I either spend my time and energy unhappy and frustrated from trying to control everything, or I shut myself off from the world. Niether is very healthy for me. I have to find a way to make my life work as it exists, insecurities, uncontrollables and all. I have to find the way to live in the moment-which I struggle with so much. Not struggle so much as fight. Life is sending me what I need, but I have to take it and make it work, struggles and all. I can see how much happier I would be if I could just relax, let go. For all his shortcomings, I can do that with B. I do not know why, which makes me nervous when I am not with him. I am wound so tight it is not at all surprising I am crumbling under the stress. Just sitting with him on the couch is like a shelter in that storm, I do not know why and I do not trust it, but it is true none the less. So, for now, I will live today in this moment and worry more tomorrow. I always do.
Where ever you go, There you are!
Let' s see on the work front......
E moved to part time and we could not get the approval to replace her. It appears that something has been worked out and we are now going to get a part time RSR. It is a position that SCS got approved and posted for, but who is actually going to work at our store. So, we are doing intrviews. I am pretty sure we will hire one of our current greeters. I need to talk to KB but I think we should go with C. C and R are both greeters since the beginning of December. I like R alot, she is nice, sweet, good with customers and just a really nice person. Also, she is settled and that would be a nice addition to our staff. However, she is needy. She has had issues with A and E and she always wants to leave early and has called in a few times. I also feel like she is just doing what needs to be done to make ends meet and the moment something else opens up she would leave with little or no notice. She wants to make more than we pay and I do not think she is really prepared for the reality of working retail. I also am not sure she would be able to handle the quota and bring in sales and business. I think she is nervous about it too. Niether prospects really build my confidence in hiring her. On the other hand C is very attractive, the staff and customers love her, men come in to see her and I think she could hit and exceed her quota just by playing on her looks-especially in our location. I like R better and I believe that K does too. I just think that C is the better business choice and that is going to be a difficult call to make. It will be akward as hell hiring one and not the other and is sure to cause hurt feelings whoever does not get hired. I just need to know how KB feels. He has been so mellow lately and we seem to be trending on getting along better. I have heard that his wife is pregnant with baby #7, so maybe he is motivated to really make our store work. I do not know. Whatever it is, it seems to be working out for the best for us both.
On the friend front.......
I am talking to CL alot. She moved recently to RO and her moved in with her. She seems happy with the move and her mom. She also decided not to see men for a while which I think is a realy good idea. She is trying to make better choices and I support that 100%. I also see her fear that she will always be alone. She is trying to resign herself to it, but I really do not think it has to be that way for her. I think she can find someone who loves and suits her and be happy. I know she also thinks I will ultimately end up alone and I think in a strange way it comforts her. Makes it easier for her to be alone. She says that we have many of the same issues and fears, they just manifest very differently in us. She is right. I too am afraid to be alone, but rather than pick up every loser that comes my way, I shut myself off and look for reasons to push men away. I have been through periods in my life where I thought I was resigned to being alone. There have even been times when I believed myself that I was ok with it. Yet, I know that is not true either. I am just crippled by fears and my own worst enemy-just like she is. I see her growing and maturing and I know she will be ok. It is difficult for her in a way it is not for me. I have always envied her ease with people, men, sex and situations. She is in her element where ever she is, she does not blend in, but she can find her place. I feel like I am always odd man out-I can fake it and often do, but I do not really fit, do not really have a place. Even when I find a niche I am not really comfortable there. I only recently realized that she envies me my maturity. In both of our cases, our greatest strengths are also our greatest faults, life is odd like that.
Then there is D and N. I had been seeing them alot until I started dating B. They came to my party and we even talked about vacationing together. I am hoping that even though they are back from vacation like 3 days before Con starts, that they are still planning on attending Con. It would not eb the same without them. I am kinda worried about N, she seems down. I think it is probably the winter blahs, but my instinct tells me something is off, not wrong necesarily so much as not quite right. I think Con will renew her and I hope she is able to come.
On the parent front....
My step dad is sick. He was here around my birthday for Aunt M's funeral. He looked awful, I mean really, really bad. He had prostate cancer years ago, A was still a baby. I guess he started having problems or something because he was undergoing radiation for it again. I did not realize what a toll radiation took on the body. Eventually my mom got him to the hospital-where he needed 4 pints of blood-no wonder he was so sick. He left for home just before Yule and a few weeks ago K called to tell me he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and was having surgery. W is not my real father, and I love my P alot. But, W has been in my life since I was 2, I do not have a single memory that does not include him. I can not remember a time when he was not my dad. I do not pretend that this is as diffiicult for me as it is for K, but I am more upset than I thought. I realize that why I always knew rationally that I would lose my parents, I never think about it happening anytime soon. I always thought P would have the most issues-he had heart problems, high blood pressure and stuff before I was even born. He has had a few minor heart attacks, but G takes excellent care of him. I think he will significantly longer thanks to the care she takes with him. On the other hand, now that he and mom have divorced, W has really gone done health wise. It concerns me. I am not ready to lose him, even though I do not talk to him much. He has been a constant and dependable strength in my life for as long as I can remember. Hell A spends more time with him than she does with P. I want to be there for his surgery, but he called to tell me to wait until he was better and to bring the girls to visit him. I am thinking of going over Easter-if I can get it off. Or after the family reunion. Still, if something happens and I did not take the time or make the effort to see him more I know I will regret it for as long as I live. I am not ready to start this phase of my life-caring for and worrying about my parents.
On the dating front....
after my last post I had decided to stop seeing B, but CL talked me out of it. She said that I just wanted to run away because I was scared and that in all likelihood I would end up with a broken heart and crying over this fool (I know great way to encourage me, huh?) BUT that it would not be the same as it was before. I am older, more mature and have too much going on to lose it over a man, any man. Also, she pointed out (as have others) that no man is perfect and sometimes you have to work with what you get. She told me to think less and live more. I am happy and enjoying the company, why worry about if he is "the one" or not. So, I am pulling up my big pants and trying to just not think too much. See my problem is I analyze life as much as I live it. I am so busy trying to see what I did wrong and how I can learn from it and not make the same mistake that I allow my fears to cripple me. I have been forced to make ends meet for myself and A. I have never really had anyone I could completely depend on, that has helped me to develop what I need to be successful. It has also made me leery of trusting others and even giving them a chance. I want to control the situation, control the outcome, control the people involved, mitigate the damages. I realize rationally that life can not be controlled, trying to do so only makes me unhappy, yet I can not seem to move beyond it. So I either spend my time and energy unhappy and frustrated from trying to control everything, or I shut myself off from the world. Niether is very healthy for me. I have to find a way to make my life work as it exists, insecurities, uncontrollables and all. I have to find the way to live in the moment-which I struggle with so much. Not struggle so much as fight. Life is sending me what I need, but I have to take it and make it work, struggles and all. I can see how much happier I would be if I could just relax, let go. For all his shortcomings, I can do that with B. I do not know why, which makes me nervous when I am not with him. I am wound so tight it is not at all surprising I am crumbling under the stress. Just sitting with him on the couch is like a shelter in that storm, I do not know why and I do not trust it, but it is true none the less. So, for now, I will live today in this moment and worry more tomorrow. I always do.
Where ever you go, There you are!
posted by Laileanah at 1:22 PM
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