I feel like I am going to lose my fucking mind. No shit. I do not know what is going on, but whatever it is, I think I have about reached my breaking point. First I have the shit at work with S. I did file an HR complaint. HR backed S which did not surprise me-we SO need a union-but what did surprise was that apparently there have been documented customer complaints about me-that I knew absoluetly nothing about. I am furious that nothing was ever mentioned to me and then at my year end evaluation it is included as if it was an ongoing development issue and something I have been working with and struggling with all year. When I read the email from HR curtly telling me there was nothing they could do and in fact they could give less than I shit, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried some more. Than I called CL and told her I was seriously considering leaving and seeing if I could get some kind of stress leave and if not just fucking quitting. I was that discouraged and upset. In the end I stayed and I have to say that my complaint surprised S and she has been hesitant and even respectful when dealing with me. I am trying to pull it together and since I have spent most of this week in my room crying and going to bed early I went out rented a movie and took out a pizza kit to thaw for A and I have to a special evening together. I am on the couch crocheting and watching tv when she gets home. Immediately I can tell that something is wrong. Earlier in the week she came home all upset about a fight she had with some friends of hers and I figured it was more of the same. I ask her what is wrong and she says, "I love you mom". I knew then she had done something wrong and I think I went insane for awhile there. She told me that had been not doing her math homework again-huge surprise-and that she had signed my name AGAIN to her grade sheet. This is what really blows my mind here, when her math teacher rightly recognized that was NOT my signature, she asked A for my phone number to call me. A gave her personal cell number and then when the teacher called at first tried to pretended to be me and then when that did not work said I was not home and did not give my personal cell number. To compund this infraction, she followed this up by calling the school the next day and pretending to be me. The principal called and she is on final warning step 2-the next step being suspension. I could not believe it. Something in me snaped, honestly. I beat her ass, with a brush. In trying to cover her behind with her hands I hit her hand with the brush and broke her thumb. I really felt badly about it. The whole thing is totally fucked up. I had not spanked her in I do not know how long and things had been going so well. I can barely take being a mom right now, much less a single mom with the limited support and resources available to me. I know this is just kid shit and it could be worse-it could be drugs or sex and in a few more years probably will be. I do not know how to help her and really no longer wish to even fucking bother. I just want to disappear-to no longer exist at all. I am fed up and overwhelmed and in no mind frame to handle this parenting stuff. Yet, if I do not get this and her under control this will be least of my worries. I think I scared her as much if not more than I scared myself. She was shocked and so was I. I remember asking her if she was afraid and she said she was. I then asked her if she knew what I was going to do next and she said No, I told her she should be afraid because I did not know what I was going to do next either. In the scheme of things I know A is a good kid and I am blessed. I am just so totally unprepared to handle her being challenging because she has always been such a good and easy kid. In reality I knew it could not last forever, but who would have known it could be this difficult to work with. I also feel like I am trying so hard with her and it is having no effect at all. I am under so much pressure and have so little support I feel like I am losing my mind.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!