Friday, September 28, 2007

Well, what can I say, life sucks and my helmet is the size of a dime. In all honesty I think I believe I am having a nervous breakdown. It baffles me because I can see clearly that I am allowing myself to be upset over the dumbest stupidest stuff in the world, yet I can not seem to stop being upset and hurt by it. I feel like every little thing said to me is like a razor tearing me to pieces. I feel like I am hanging on for dear life with both hands and both feet and still losing my grip. I am literally coming apart at the seams. I am not talking a bad day here and there, I am talking a bad month with a good day here or there. The worse is that I can not seem to get a real handle on it for more than 8 or 12 hours at a time and then I am back where I started. I am kind of a cold bitch and not much of a crier but so help me I have cried more in the last week over absoluelty nothing than I cried when I lost the girls or when my brother died. This stressfull time I am going through is NOTHING in comparison to what I have gone through in the past-yet it is taking over my life. I feel like I can not handle anything. All I can think about is myself and my needs and my stress-I can not look past myself. Thank whatever Gods there are, whereever they may be that A has taken this time to be relatively easy going-because I am not sure if I can take anymore. I will not go into the petty, rediculos, assinine bullshit that I am allowing to tear me apart-because it is nothing in the long run. The truth of the matter is I am having some kind of fucking psychotic break or melt down. I always poo-poo'd anxiety, depression, mood disorders as people being unable to handle life and seeking safe haven and plausible deniability in drugs. But my god, if this is what Je or K or even my mom go through-it sure explains a fucking lot. If not for A I do not think I would even get out of bed or answer the phone. I am lying all of the time to everyone and even engaging in actively instigating bullshit-which is really not like me. No one loves gossip more than I do-but I seem unable to stop even when I know it is harming me. It is almost like I am not myself and am trapped in my body watching someone else live my life. I am sabotaging myself for no good reason and not sure how much longer this can continue. I am not sure how much longer I can continue. When I do finally manage to get a handle on things-something else goes wrong-it is like a nightmare from which I can not wake up. The worst part of it is I can see-clearly see that I am over reacting, sabotaging myself and that this whole incident is rediculos-yet, I still can not stop it. I feel like I have dug myself into a pit so deep I can never climb out, like I am in the bottom of a well and looking for daylight to find my way out-but can not find it. I am mean, cruel, vindictive, judgemental, back stabbing and a true bitch. I remind myself of Sh-the person who trained me when I first started with the company. She was such a fake bitch-smiling in your face and stabbing you in the back and instigating stuff everywhere she went. I was irritated by her but at the same time felt sorry for her. I could see that she was so unhappy and that was why she acted like she did. When did I become that unhappy? Why am I that unhappy? The last year has been the most rewarding career and finance wise-yet I am unhappier than I have ever been. I can not blame it on the job or the stress or being a single mom-clearly it goes much deeper than that. I find myself afraid to really look inward to what is upsetting me-which is not like me at all. In fact, usually I over analyze myself down to the last little tidbit, but now I do not even look at myself in the mirror. I feel disconnected to my life-my friends, my family,my job-even my daughter. I feel like I could lose it all and not really care. Truth be told I want to escape, leave it all behind me, disappear-I really want to not exist at all. I am going through the motions ( well, mimicing the motions anyway) of a real lfe but meanwhile my life is cracking and breaking off into small pieces more and more every day. I am not sure how or where or when this will end. I am not sure what form my life will take after this but it is what it is. I feel how I feel and no amount of wishing I did not feel this way or teling myself how stupid this is helps in the least. Now I can not sleep again, it has been 3 days since I have had any real rest-which always makes it worse. Just when I think I can not take it another second and I am going to tear my clothes off, pull my hair out, curl up into the fetal position and scream until I lose my voice-I will have a few hours of respite where I am normal and rational again. Each time I come up for air, I think I have finally learned to tread water and all will surely be better-then I start to spiral downward again. I want help and have actively sought help-but it has not been very helpful. As common as depression and anxiety are in this country you would think help would be easier to obtain-but that just is not the case at all. I mean I was to the point where I just could not stop crying and for no reason at all and STILL can not seem to get help. I do not know where I am going with this but I am headed to bed to toss and turn, have bad dreams and worry. In the morning I will promise myself to take this day as a new day and not do any of the wrong stuff I am not supposed to, maybe tomorrow it will actually work for me.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!