Comments that SO need to be blogged:

E from work has as a title for one of her live journal entries-"Life sucks and I have no helmet!" I love it, how freaking hilarious. I feel that way often but have lacked the correct phrase to truly sum up that feeling. Now I have it.

My other favorite needing-to-be-blogged phrase was from another co-worker-M. We were talking about shaving: what to shave, what not to shave, how it was gross to leave the house unshaved, etc. M said he does not shave his pubes regularly but when he does he can run faster. It was hilarious. Perhaps it is not as funny here, but man, he had a straight face when he said it and everything.

As you can tell from the above statements it has been dreadfully slow at work. It is nice in the regard that nothing much is required, it sucks in the regard that every hour feels like 5. I keep looking at my watch and only 15 minutes has passed-YIKES!!!!! Either way, the lack of business has left us with nothing much to do other than gossip and I am loving it. My personal motto is, "If you don't have anything nice to say about someone else, come sit by me!" Gossip is probably my biggest failing as a Buddhist. Sigh. Whatever, I try not to hurt anyones feelings and I personally am not at all hurt by the gossip about me. I really do not care what others think nor do I think they like me more if they do not talk about me. Or maybe that is just the excuse I use to justify my shameless gossiping:)
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

Black Wall Street in Tulsa, OK

A Brief History.....
If anyone truly believes that the last April attack on the federal building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma was the most tragic bombing ever to take place on United States soil, as the media has been widely reporting, they're wrong -- plain and simple. That's because an even deadlier bomb occurred in that same state nearly 75 years ago. Many people in high places would like to forget that it ever happened.
Searching under the heading of "riots," "Oklahoma" and "Tulsa" in current editions of the World Book Encyclopedia, there is conspicuously no mention whatsoever of the Tulsa race riot of 1921, and this omission is by no means a surprise, or a rare case. The fact is, one would also be hard-pressed to find documentation of the incident, let alone and accurate accounting of it, in any other "scholarly" reference or American history book.
That's precisely the point that noted author, publisher and orator Ron Wallace, a Tulsa native, sought to make nearly five years ago when he began researching this riot, one of the worst incidents of violence ever visited upon people of African descent. Ultimately joined on the project by colleague Jay Wilson of Los Angeles, the duo found and compiled indisputable evidence of what they now describe as "a Black holocaust in America." The date was June 1, 1921, when "Black Wallstreet," the name fittingly given to one of the most affluent all-Black communities in America, was bombed from the air and burned to the ground by mobs of envious whites. In a period spanning fewer than 12 hours, a once thriving 36 block Black business district in northern Tulsa lay smoldering--a model community destroyed, and a major African-American economic movement resoundingly defused.
The night's carnage left some 3,000 African Americans dead, and over 600 successful businesses lost. Among these were 21 churches, 21 restaurants, 30 grocery stores and two movie theaters, plus a hospital, a bank, a post office, libraries, schools, law offices, a half dozen private airplanes and even a bus system. As could have been expected the impetus behind it all was the infamous Ku Klux Klan, working in consort with ranking city officials, and many other sympathizers.
In their self-published book, Black Wallstreet: A Lost Dream, and its companion video documentary, Black Wallstreet: A Black Holocaust in America!, the authors have chronicled for the very first time in the words of area historians and elderly survivors what really happened there on that fateful summer day in 1921 and why it happened. Wallace similarly explained to me why this bloody event from the turn of the century seems to have had a recurring effect that is being felt in predominately Black neighborhoods even to this day.
The best description of Black Wallstreet, or Little Africa as it was also known, would be liken it to a mini-Beverly Hills. It was the golden door of the Black community during the early 1900's, and it proved that African Americans had successful infrastructure. That's what Black Wallstreet was all about. The dollar circulated 36 to 100 times, sometimes taking a year for currency to leave the community. Now in 1995, a dollar leaves the Black community in 15-minutes. As far as resources, there were Ph.D.'s residing in Little Africa, Black attorneys and doctors. One doctor was Dr. Berry who owned the bus system. His average income was $500 a day, a hefty pocket change in 1910. During that era, phys! icians o wned medical schools. There were also pawn shops everywhere, brothels, jewelry stores, 21 churches, 21 restaurants and two movie theaters. It was a time when the entire state of Oklahoma had only two airports, yet six Blacks owned their own planes. It was a very fascinating community.
The area encompassed over 600 businesses and 36 square blocks with a population of 15,000 African Americans. And when the lower-economic Europeans looked over and saw what the Black community created, many of them were jealous. When the average student went to school on Black Wallstreet, he wore a suit and tie because of the morals and respect they were taught at a young age.
The mainstay of the community was to educate every child. Nepotism was the one word they believed in. And that's what we need to get back to in 1995. The main thoroughfare was Greenwood Avenue, and it was intersected by Archer and Pine Streets. From the first letters in each of those three names, you get G.A.P., and that's where the renowned R and B music group the Gap Band got its name. They're from Tulsa. Black Wallstreet was a prime example of the typical Black community in America that did businesses, but it was in an unusual location. You see, at the time, Oklahoma was set aside to be a Black and Indian state. There were over 28 Black townships there. One third of the people who traveled in the terrifying "Trail of
Tears" along side the Indians between 1830 to 1842 were Black people. The citizens of this proposed Indian and Black state chose a Black governor, a treasurer from Kansas named McDade. But the Ku Klux Klan said that if he assumed office that they would kill him within 48 hours. A lot of Blacks owned farmland, and many of them had gone into the oil business. The community was so tight and wealthy because they traded dollars hand-to-hand, and because they were dependent upon one another as a result of the Jim Crow laws.
It was not unusual that if a resident's home accidentally burned down, it could be rebuilt within a few weeks by neighbors. This was the type of scenario that was going on day- to-day on Black Wallstreet. When Blacks intermarried into the Indian culture, some of them received their promised '40 acres and a mule' and with that came whatever oil was later found on the properties.
Just to show you how wealthy a lot of Black people were, there was a banker in the neighboring town who had a wife named California Taylor. Her father owned the largest cotton gin west of the Mississippi [River]. When California shopped, she would take a cruise to Paris every three months to have her clothes made. There was also a man named Mason in nearby Wagner County who had the largest potato farm west of the Mississippi. When he harvested, he would fill 100 boxcars a day. Another brother not far away had the same thing with a spinach farm. The typical family then was five children or more, though the typical farm family would have 10 kids or more who made up the nucleus of the labor.
On Black Wallstreet, a lot of global business was conducted. The community flourished from the early 1900's until June 1, 1921. That's when the largest massacre of non-military Americans in the history of this country took place, and it was lead by the Ku Klux Klan. Imagine walking out of your front door and seeing 1,500 homes being burned. It must have been amazing.
Survivors we interviewed think that the whole thing was planned because during the time that all of this was going on, white families with their children stood around the borders of their community and watched the massacre, the looting and everything--much in the same manner they would watch a lynching.
Where did the word "picnic" comes from?It was typical to have a picnic on a Friday evening in Oklahoma. The word was short for "pick a nigger" to lynch. They would lynch a Black male and cut off body parts as souvenirs. This went on every weekend in this country, and it was all across the county.
http://members.tripod.com/logicalthinker/blackwall1.html

*****I received this in the form of a forwarded email from my father. It was along with the usual SPAM stuff and so I did a few quick Google searches to see what I could find. I was surprised at the wealth of information about this incident. Stories like this always upset me. It makes me wonder how as a nation we feel like we really have the room to point fingers at leaders such as Saddam and say he is a huge civil rights violator who needed to be removed from office. Where do we get off pointing fingers? How long were non-whites and non-Christians tortured in this country with nothing said or done about it? Not just blacks were lynched, by far. Yet, we feel as a nation that we have the moral superiority to judge and destroy other nations. It is sick. This incident is not even in the history books. Like Rosewood, it has been ignored and denied and not talked about and pushed into histories past-like it never happened-like those people and what happened to them never existed.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

Behind In My Postings!

It has been a while since I have written in here....and to think I wanted to write everyday. Oh well, life happens, always feels like it happens to me:)
It is getting pretty darn cold here and I find myself not ready emotionally for winter. It sounds odd to phrase it that way, but still winter seems to exact an emotional toll from me. It is dark and dreary and by February feels never-ending. I often fantasize about moving somewhere warmer-like out west. For awhile I looked at Arizona and New Mexico. I think if I moved I would miss the seasons, the changes of the year. I love spring and fall, kind of like summer but HATE winter. I am usually ready for winter to be over the day after Yule. I could even tolerate it until after New Year-but it gets even colder in January and February is seems to linger in March. I just could really deal with skipping a winter or two. I ultimately gave up on the idea of moving out west because I read about a water shortage that is occurring now and will become crucial in our lifetimes. YIKES!!!!! We feel put out by the gas shortage and higher prices as a result-just imagine when that shortage applies to water. I can cut out unnecessary car trips or even get a more fuel efficient vehicle-but how would we handle water shortage? Drink less? Bathe less? Wear liquid and moisture conserving body suits like the Fremen in the Dune novels? I love the books, but the idea of cleaning my urine and sweat so I can drink it is not high on my list of desirable experiences. The water shortage will occur where ever I am, but at least here I have the Great Lakes to down some of the costs. Also, I am still pretty interested in becoming a Canadian citizen and need to stay close. This is an ideal area to work in the US and live in Canada. Since we make more here and our money is worth more there, as my mom would say.....BONUS!!!!!!!!! Besides which, most of the sci fi novels I have read which deal with ultimate death of the United States as a world power-also show the rise of Canada and I could handle that. The US must ultimately fall as a world power and I truly feel that Bush is helping to bring that about more quickly. It would have happened anyway, but this war is bankrupting us as a nation-I knew this nation was in deep financial doo-doo when I heard we are borrowing money from China. If you add to that the financial burden from the natural disasters occurring back to back, I think the decline is closer than any of us would like to see. We are becoming an aggressive nation and full of ourselves-ok, we have always been that-but we have been a better nation than we are now. So far the rest of the world is sitting by and watching us destroy the oil nations-but as shortages continue and we are the largest consumers and in no real way at all making any TRUE attempts to conserve-these other nations who have beefs against us and valid grudges are going to gang up on us and kick our asses. We are so unprepared too. We care less and invest less in education. I hear people always bitching about foreign doctors-but not seeing the reality that our children are not well educated and dedicated enough to make it out of medical school and that is why we are having so many foreign doctors to begin with.
This nation has never been good at looking to the future and sacrificing now so we can have a better future. Each candidate only wants to tackles issues that will make them look better in the next election-which is one of the reasons for the mess in New Orleans. We are not a forward thinking nation. It will ultimately be our down fall. We are so extremely self centered we do not teach foreign languages in schools-we expect people in the countries we visit to speak our language and yet when people who speak other languages are in this nation we are disdainful and rude to them-because they are in our country and do not speak our language! We are bullies-forcing our way of life on everyone and believing that what we believe and the way we live must ultimately be correct for every nation and every group of peoples. Yet, in this very first nation founded on the forward thinking idea that all of human kind is created equally-we are behind other advanced nations in our freedoms and rights. We can not even agree as a nation on birth control being available to sexually active teens and religion not being taught in publicly funded schools. As a nation we are ignoring real issues-like our dwindling natural resources and failing economy-but putting real effort in an amendment to the constitution to “protect” marriage from homosexuals-sounds like the actions of the free-est nation in the world to me! It is scary. Yet, we ride this rollercoaster and truly feel we are the greatest, free-est, strongest, best-est nation in the history of the world. I can see how what we see contributes to that-our tv shows are seen around the world-Seinfeld is watched in France. Our movies, books and music are seen and read around the world-we set the style and tone for the world-we decide what is "cool" and "hip" and other countries follow suit. Of course, we also get into other countries ideas of cool and hip-like anime and manga as an example. We are a consumer culture and unlike other world powers we have made no real effort to conserve world resources such as water and fossil fuels. We have built our military and perhaps that will lengthen our fall, but not stop it. We will fall long and hard much like the fabled "Rome" we base so many of this nations traditions on. Even if we as a nation were doing everything right and being fair always-we would still fall. All things which rise must also fall and all things-good or bad-must come to an end. Our end as a world power is coming and if it gets really bad I want the resoruces to leave.
Wow, I am major paranoid, no more extinction science fiction for me!
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

Buddhism Meet Up

On impulse I decided to open a Buddhism Meet-Up group. I have been a member of the Meet-Up website since 2002-I think. I remember reading about it on one of my pagan groups but not really pursuing it. Well, I must have at some point taken a quiz or filled out a questioner about my interest in Buddhism-because Meet Up sent me an email about interest in starting a Michigan Buddhist Meet Up group. I still am not sure why, but I actually started a local group. I was not going to follow up and actually pay the $19.00 for the monthly fee, but the next day when I checked my email I found that three people had joined my group. Since the interest was so large I decided to go ahead and pay the fee and see if anyone showed up for a meet. I planned the meet for the week I am already on vacation, so I know that I can attend. Right after I committed myself I felt nervous about it. What could I be thinking? I can not even find the time to attend Muddy Water Zen’s weekly meditations-what makes me think I will be able to pull this off? Plus, I am really more the kind of person who likes to attend events others organize-rather than organize them myself. I guess we will see what develops. I also feel unsure if I have anything to offer a group of Buddhist seekers. If it gets intense I think I am going to try and draft Kogam to help me. I think it will be good for me to have more contact with like minded people-well Buddhist anyway. That same idea never quite seemed to work right for pagans(
~~~~ Where ever you go, there you are!

Update on life in general:
I am on the count down to vacation-I have about 10 days left before my vacation starts and I can barely wait. I am so ready for a little rest and relaxation. A will be in school all day and so I will have so peace and quiet-some down time. Some much needed down time, I might add. I have plans to do absolutely nothing all day everyday and to enjoy every minute of it. Catch up on sleep, my DVR'd shows, reading, crocheting, chatting, blogging-as A at my work says-"It's all about me!"
In the meantime, I have been better this week. I feel better-I am not as sick-and sleeping better and feeling less stressed. We have more staff and we are in the calm before the holiday rush. It has been super slow-which has also helped. I am also making it my business to not step up and do more. Luckily for me, E is really stepping up. I am not sure if she is going to move or what, but if she stays I think she will be senior after me. She would be the best we have on staff right now-by a long shot! I am going to ask her to come in early on sunday and help me with merchandising-everything changes the 23rd and I am off saturday and no way in hell am I coming in that night to make the changes. I hope she watches her back with S-the store manager-because she will lean on you and use you up and then when you ask to leave early or need a concession she totally forgets about everything you have done so far! She also helps and then messes everything up. An example today-she puts out the brochures but they are not supposed to go out until the 23rd-then she tells me-I want to politely ask her to PLEASE not help me with merchandising. That is why I backed off of it, because she wanted me to do it, but then complained about my time off of the floor. Well, I can not be in 2 places at once and got tired of doing twice the work with twice the stress. Do not get my wrong, I like our store manager-she grew on me-but she knows how to get a days work and then some out of the few of us who actually care about what we do.
Halloween is right around the corner and I am getting excited. A and I decorated on her b-da last week and I know she wants more a Halloween costume. I had told her no because she is getting to be a spoiled little shit and I am trying to curtail that, but it is hard not to give in now that it is getting closer to the date. She was telling me what her other friends and classmates have planned-one is going as a Playboy Bunny-which seems a bit extreme for a 7th grader. Another friend is going as a Chinese Hooker-which I told is racist. She seemed surprised but I asked her how she would feel if one of her classmates painted there face black and went as a black hooker-she seemed to get it then. Honestly, sometimes I wonder about that kid. She babysat Is this past weekend while CL was out of town for her b-day. I guess by Sunday she had had it and she slapped Is so hard that she had a handprint on her face the next day. I was shocked, surprised and scared. A is 7 years older than this little girl and has to out weigh her by 50 pounds, it was totally inappropriate to hit her, much less smack her. I am going to enroll her in an anger management class. Her counselor said it was probably due to her being punished physically by me. Perhaps it is. I have always believed moderate spanking to be ok as a punishment tool. I have had friends who did not spank and were adamantly against-saying it teaches kids violence. Well, I do not think violence is such a bad thing. Life is violent-from the act of birth, to the act of eating. Humans are naturally violent and while I do not want a monster, I also do not want a child afraid to stand up for themselves either-violently if necesary. I also have not found the children of parents who do not spank to be less violent than the children of parents who do. I know my friend C who used to lecture me all of the time about the horrors of spanking and NEVER spanked her kids-I saw her son haul off and smack the shit out of her when he was 7 or so. A would never in a million years hit me-so I have never been convinced of it either way. Until now. What kind of a hypocrite am I to see A hitting Is as wrong when I have certainly hit her? I have to think about this. I really do not spank A anymore-spanking is really more for small children who would never understand punishment than it is for kids A's age. Still, if I have wronged her I am sorry. I have tried to balance being strict with her about her behavior with being lenient about other stuff-like R rate movies and tv. I have to be strict with her behavior wise because I am a single mom without support and there is no one but me to catch her if she falls-and I can not catch her all of the time-so I need her to be afraid of me and what I will do as deterent as long as I can get away with it. It helps me keep her safe. Sigh, parenting, I am so glad I have A and would not change it for the world-but I am equally glad to not have to do this with any other children.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

The changing future of Gay America......the new openly-gay youths................
I get discouraged at times in our ultra-conservative current culture. At this time the powers that be are seriously discussing teaching Intelligent Design over Evolution in publicly funded educational institutions. It makes me ill to even think how behind our children will be in this nation if they are not even taught basic science. I believe that Darwin was not totally correct on his theory of evolution-science has even pointed out errors he made-yet the base idea-that we as human beings evolved from over life forms-is a valid one-I think. The idea that in schools it may instead be taught some garden of eden crap-is horrendous. I feel like I am living in the 50's sometimes when I read what is even being considered. The gay marriage has been the most difficult for me to stomach. I think largely because blacks so vehemently oppose it. It embarasses me how backwards even the most ghetto-definetely-not-even-trying-to-live-a-christian-life-style-blacks are towards gay rights. What is gay marriage going to harm? If you do not believe in it you are under no obligation to participate-but to act as if same sex marriage is somehow threatening the "institution" of marriage is preposterous and offensive. Adults should have the right to marry legally and to enjoy the benefits that married couples enjoy whether they are choosing to marry someone of the same or opposite sex. It is cruel and petty to deny someone that right that you take for granted because they are not living their life in the way that you think life should be lived. How dare you force your beliefs and opinions on someone else. You would not want their beliefs forced on you, so why force yours on them? How does what they do effect you? Why do they have to be wrong inorder for you to be right? Our countries treatment of gays is atrocious and embarassing to me as a member of this nation. Yet, just when I have given up hope that gays will have equal rights in this lifetime, I see an article in Time Magazine the October 10, 2005 issue about Gay teens in America. I do not know if the facts in the magazine are real or true or valid-but the fact that it is even being written and published in a mainstream magazine gives me hope. According to the article the real battle for gay rights is being played out with our kids. It is uncool to be anti-gay and even the most conservative, christian, republican kids are more open to gays having equal rights. The article sites that if it homosexuality continues to be accepted among youths and in schools "the battle over same-sex marriage will be moot" with our kids generation. That gives me hope. That A's generation will not be so judgemental. The article also talks about the change in gay lifestyle and how gays, lesbians, bi's and trans are mentoring the youth in the community. It makes me proud. I know my brother-K-was active in the gay community and activist. I miss him deeply and think about him often. I want to be more active in glb community in an effort to support AIDS victims and children and the community in his honor-but it is just way too painful for me. I hope I can get over that because to help others is to truly heal.
I am glad to see our parameters for sexuality and gender and choice becoming more fluid. I truly believe that sexuality is not an all or nothing kind of thing. I think in reality sexuality is very fluid and most people are probably more bisexual-than either straight or homosexual-if left to their own devices. I like to think of homosexuality and homosexual tendencies as mother natures small attempt at population control-since same-sex partners can not pro-create together naturally. (I certainly think it is fine for same-sex partners to be parents-whether naturally, through adoption, donation and/or modren science.) I think if society were less rigid and homophobic people would not need to fit their sexuality into a category at all-they would naturally fall into what person-not gender-suited them best. I guess that is what has always struck me as the most odd about sexual preference prejudice. If you truly love someone for who they are, you love them whether they are a man or a woman-you love their soul. I can not see myself ever falling in love with a woman-but I would never say it could not happen because as long as I love someone for their soul and not the package that soul comes in-it is always a possibility. And that is a beautiful thing. Hopefully this type of thinking will be second nature to A. Perhaps I will not have to move to Canada after all:)
This is a link to the article in Time Magazine:
http://www.time.com/time/archive/preview/0,10987,1112856,00.html
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

Update:
Well, on the job front I did talk to my manager and tell her that I want to be "career pathed" to a different department. She agreed to help me after the holidays. I feel better about it since I was getting so burned out where I am at right now. I am hoping for merchandising or inventory or even audit control-anything but customer contact!
This weekend CL is celebrating her 30th birthday by heading up north with her man, J. She was supposed to have the whole weekend away but J needed to work today and so they left this afternoon. Her mom is keeping her oldest, her sister is keeping the baby and I have Is. Is came home with A and myself last night. I am going to think about keeping her a couple of times a month, I think taking care of her is good for A and it allows CL to get some rest. I bought them stuff to make pizza, cookie kits for Halloween cookies and other snacks. They have played dress-up, watched movies, played ouside and in general had a good time. It is not as difficult as a I worried about. A seems to have the situation in hand and she and Is are having a "girls weekend".
On the weirdo tip-I more or less told H I was not interested and had changed my mind about seeing him. He got all pissed off and kept saying I had lied and broke my word to him and how he can not trust anybody, how he really opened himself up to me and how cruel it is for me to not give him a chance. Honestly, it is not that serious. I barely even talked to him and because I changed my mind about seeing him hardly makes me a liar. The weirdest part is how strange he has reacted. First he called me all kinds of names and told me I was fat, a jack ass, had been abused in the past, was a control freak and had a borderline personality. I told him I was sorry he was hurt, but felt it was best to just be honest upfront. Then he started calling me a liar, ok, well I did not lie I changed my mind. If I know I am not interested in you why oh why would you want me to continue with you? Please, do not waste my time if you know you are not interested in me. Then he kept saying how could I know I did not want him if I never tried it. Well, I know myself pretty well and if I am wrong and limiting myself-my lose and he is well rid of me. Then he starts this if I was really sorry I would "prove" it to him-by what seeing him? I ain't that sorry. I am sorry he is so upset, but I still am not interested in him. In fact, now that he has had a huge bitch fest because I told him I did not want to see him anymore, I am DEFINETELY not taking this shit any further. Then, finally, we seem to reach a middle ground with it and I thought it was pretty much over and he would move on and leave me the hell alone. Now I find him leaving me nasty IM's when I am offline. WTF!!!!! is up with that? This man is seriously unbalanced. If I am a liar, jack ass, and everything else he called me over and over-why are you not just grateful to be away from me? Why harass me? Hell, at this point I will agree to every name he wants to call me if he will just go away. Men!
I am missing F and S's bachelorette party. Sigh, the dates kept getting away from me, between the shower, the bachelorette party and the wedding-I just could not keep up and take off the correct days. I feel bad and would head to meet them tonight but I have I here and A is not old enough to babysit after dark. I am sure they will have a great time.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

This is my oldest niece, J.

 

This is my god-son, J, with his Cello.

 

This is my god-daughter I-isn't she cute!

This is my bestest friend in the whole wide world-CL and her bestest sister-C and my the back of my god-daughter-I.

ME!

 

Just so you can get an idea of how grown up A has gotten and how quickly it has occured-this is a pitcure of her from July of 2002. Her face is round and babyish-she is still clearly a little girl, also, look at that smile, her face is shinning and she is truly happy-all is well in her universe. The pictures below this are from this past summer and spring-see what a difference 3 years has made? In this pitcure A was still my buddy, she wanted to be just like me-always and if I said it-it must be true and if I did it-it must be correct. Now, if I like it, do it or am interested in it-it is automatically uncool and uninteresting to her. What I really want to know is what happened to the little girl in this picture who was always happy? Where did she go and how can I trade in my surly pre-teen and get this sweetheart back?
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

A and J by the pool this summer-July 2005

 

A, T and J-May 2005

J, A and T-May 2005-Band Concert

 

T, J and A-May 2005
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

 

Thoughts on death and destiny and reincarnation.......
I have been told I have some kind of different ideas about death. For one I do not really fear death-I fear pain, I fear lingering, I fear incompetence or losing control of my bladder-but not death. In all honesty I look forward to death-to the idea that my life has an end, a finishing point. Some days when I have had all I can take and feel like I can not stand my life another minute- the fact of my impending death makes it easier to get through the day. I know it makes me sound like some kind of weird depressed/suicidal individual-but nothing could be further from the truth. I do not want to die now and have no serious desire to kill myself-especially since I semi-believe in reincarnation and that if you committ suicide because you can not face it in this lifetime, you will only doom yourself to these same lessons and heart aches in your next lifetime since your soul can not advance until you learn whatever it is souls need to learn to advance-or so I like to think anyway. I am not too sure what happens when you die and I find that comforting as well-that it is unknown-and kind of exciting. I like to think there is an afterlife-maybe a resting place for your soul where you catch up with those you have known in previous lifetimes, go over what you learned in your last lifetime and get ready for what you need to learn in your upcoming lifetime-but that is mostly wishful thinking on my part. I am inclined to believe in reincarnation-first because it just such a cool idea-recycling of the soul and second, because I have had the experience, more than once, of meeting someone for the first time but feeling instantly like I have known them forever. I like to think that is because our souls knew eachother in a former lifetime. Also, my mom believes in reincarnation. She insists I am an old soul and that after I was born-before the hospital put the drops in my eyes-I looked her in the eye and she could see in my eyes that I recognized her and was aware of what was happening. After they put the drops in my eyes she says I was blank, like a baby should be. She also used to tell me that I picked my life and my parents before I was born, that I chose my situation for a specific reason and should therefore try and remember that when I was frustrated and irritated. I think that helped me to feel more in control of the blindly sailing ship that is my life. I like the idea that souls are reborn over and over until we learn what we need to learn or get our lives "right". What exactly that is, enlightenment? Or what happens to souls once they reach enlightenment and no longer need to be reborn? What purpose does a totally advanced, enlightened old soul fulfill? Do those souls than transend to a higher plane of existence? Do little green men in flying saucers come to collect these enlightened souls? Who knows, reincarnation seems shaky to me without a clear idea of what we are being reincarnated/enlightened for or towards-but there is comfort in not knowing for sure as well. I also sometimes feel like people are old souls or new souls. Like my sisters. My baby sister-B-is definetely an old soul, she is mature and self-contained-grounded. My middle sister-K-is definetely a new soul, she is afraid, lost and always seeking satisfaction. Reincarnation in a way feeds into the whole destiny thing and I like that idea somewhat as well. I do not believe our whole lives are planned for us, but I do think some things are "meant" to be. Perhaps they were choices we made or challenges placed upon us in the resting place of the soul before reincarnation/birth in this lifetime. I like that idea. It makes some of the chaos of my life seem more rational and makes me feel more like I have control over the things that are happening-whether I do not or not. Again, who knows if this is true or not, but when I held A for the first time in my arms-I knew I was born to be her mother. I have never been as sure of anything before or since. I just like the idea of recycled souls, but I also think there is a distinct possibility that we die and that is it. I find that comforting too, not as sexy as reincarnation, but comforting in its own way. An end to what is happening now. If I thought I had to live forever I do not think I could face another day. I do not understand people who want to live forever or even to be 100-why? Most people are unhappy, poor, tired and stressed out-why would you want 100 years of that? All things must eventually come to an end and to me that is comforting. The idea that one day I will not get up early or sleep in late, that I will not work or cook or clean or laugh or cry, that one day I will truly rest-body and soul forever. I guess it is the promise that there is more to life than the daily bullshit that seems to comprise my everyday life-with death there is the promise-if not of more-at least of a break from this. I also find comfort in that death is a known thing. Nothing else in life is promised to me-not marriage, not kids, not a house, not a car, not love, not even parents-but death-thats a for sure thing. Everything that is born dies and that I can count on. I am expressing what comforts me about death clumisly. What it is about an end to life as we know it that offers me comfort in the here and now?-not that my life is bad or even that I am unhappy. I not deliriously, deliciously ecstatic, but I am certainly more than content. I have a job I mostly like that pays enough for me to live, a daughter who is healthy, happy, safe, sane, intelligent and beautiful and family and friends. My life is definetely half full (opposed to half-empty) and most days I even feel like my cup runneth over. So it is not that I feel sad about life, so much as I am comforted by the idea of an end to it. I loved being pregnant-I felt invincible, powerful, like a goddess, yet, I was comforted by the idea that it had an end. I was probably most scared when I was so sick for so long-because I feared it would never end. Change is the only truth in our universe-nothing stays the same and sometimes that is comforting and sometimes it is not.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

*****Warning Major Bitching Follows*****

Well, work was going ok. I am feeling a litle bit better and able to kind of get back into the swing of things. I feel almost normal again. Customers were not even that awful this evening. Then, I get my final customer who was a major bitch from jump. She was bitching before I even called on her and it continued from there. I loaned her a battery, charged her stupid phone and showed her repeatedly how to forward her pictures, then she found out she was not elgible for a free phone, just a discounted one. She aksed me why and I explained the policy after which she starts screaming at me and tells me not to speak to her because I sound like a rule book. She stomps off and demands to see the manager-I am the manager and truly feel like she should have been directed back to me. J refused to take her and sent D-the assistant manager to help her. D, of course, gave her the free phone. Then she explained to me that customers have been complaining about me alot and that she was afraid I would get in trouble. I believe D is telling the truth, but I bitched at her becuase the situation is a fucking joke. It is bullshit. I was not rude to that fucking woman, in fact I was way more polite than she was. I have been more rude to customers more lately largely because I was working sick and we are short staffed and stressed the fuck out. The part that pisses me off is that I am enforcing managements policy, let me say that again MANAGEMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! policy, not MY policy. They set us up-here we are on the front line being told to enforce policy that pisses customers off-so we get yelled at, cursed at, threatened, etc. Then, if the customer will not take our word for it we forward their issue to the store manager or district manager-who gives them what they want anyway. So, basically we get yelled and screamed at for nothing and then get made to look like an asshole by upper management who wrote the policy in the first fucking place-WTF!!!!!! On the flip side, if we just believe the customer or try and cut them a break because even though it is outside of policy we want to be nice-we show up on a report as non-compliant and get in trouble. What irks my ass is this-why should I get yelled at for your fucking policy? I get paid by the hour, not the discount, or customer or non-discount-so I am perfectly happy to give customers free phones and credit their bills all day-it would sure make my day more pleasant. In fact, that is what we used to do at our store-give credits and discounts all of the time-it was how we got through the day. Then, we got a new store manager and a new inventory coordinator and our concessions make them look bad-so we got a new "tougher" policy. Which we-those of us on the front line having customer contact-enforce and as a result get screamed at, yelled at, stuff thrown at us, and customer complaints about us. We are in a lose/lose situation. I am personally tired of having customers yelling at me over a stupid ass policy I did not even come up with and then having that policy totally ignored by a manager over my head. Um, lets decide on the policy-whatever the fuck it is-and ALL stick to it-all of the way up the chain-or not make us shovel shit over your stupid policies. It's bullshit. It makes my already shitty, thank-less job even worse. I am so sick of the bullshit, the politics-just sick of it. It is SO time for me to move on. I am chaffing at the bit in this store, I need to move on. It is time for a change. I am looking everyday for positions open elsewhere so I can move on. I am not sure how much longer I can continue to do this.
~~~~Where you go, There you are!

I can hardly believe that I gave birth 12 years ago to A. It seems like just yesterday I held her screaming, beautiful, RED squirmy little body in my arms to nurse. I never in a million years could have dreamed it would pass by this quickly. Yet, here it is 12 years later and it feels like I barely even blinked. Next year she will be 13 and she already is selfish and self-centered just like the teen she will soon be. Not today though, this morning she woke up happy, very happy and excited. She wore a pair of really cute jeans she got from my sister and a silky shirt she got from my mom and I braided the front of her hair-she looked very pretty and mature. I took a few pictures of her this morning before school but the lens on my camera was dirty. I took more this afternoon after she got home, some with her 12 birthday balloons. She was still in a good mood after school-we watched last nights recorded episode of Charmed and decorated outside for Halloween......together. We used to always watch tv together and she used to always want to help me decorate, but lately she does not want to do anything I want to do, so it was nice that for awhile this afternoon it was like it was when she was younger and I was her hero. Then I made twice-baked spaghetti and we waited for everyone to show up for her small celebration. My mom came with J and Ah and Papa came with G and B. It was small and simple and over early-but it was nice and we had fun.
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

This A with her 12 birthday balloons!

A again! 

More of A on her 12th birthday holding her 12 balloons 

This is A on her 12th birthday holding her 12 balloons. Isn't she beautiful?

Dating...... I hate it. So, I had a date last night......well, needless to say, it sucked huge hind ass totally. Honestly, he had diarrhea of the mouth. It was like going out with J from work, he never shut up. Then, he brought his "puppy"-well, his puppy was almost as big as he is. She was running through the house, barking and getting into shit. He was all relaxed about it, later he tells me that the last date he bought her on she peed on the ladies new white carpet. I guess I was lucky she did not pee anywhere. He was annoying and touchy and short. I just am not in the mood for this shit. Add to that broke, older than me by like 12 years, immature and effeminate. I already have a damn kid, I am broke on my own and I have gay friends not gay boyfriends. I was trying to be nice but I really wanted to scream. When I just could not take it anymore I ended the date and it was still too damn long. I will never, ever call him again in life. He has a good heart and I wish him well, but spare me please! It just reminded me of how fucking much I hate dating. Truly, honestly completely hate it!
I guess i just do not understand why dating is such a fucking chore for me. Where are the nice, funny, sweet, kind sensitive guys? Hell, I am not even looking for super sexy, hot, rich, genius-just your average guy-who does not live with his mom, has a job he works all of the time, does not have enough kids to start his own socceer team, does not already have a wife, girlfriend or both and looks for more than casual sex. Does not seem like it would be impossible to find, but it sure feels like it. CL tells me I have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince-well, most of them suck so bad I do not even kiss them.
I am beginning to think I should just prepare myself to be single forever. I do not mind being single, not for the most part, most of the time. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone to rub my back, watch tv with and then, of course, there is sex. It might be nice to have sex with someone other than myself in the room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

The Fat Lady Speaks

By Joanne McCarthy

Fat is my fortress. It

keeps you from me. I

prize this great body, it's

fierce implacable strength.

For I move when I choose to.

You cannot force me.

Wherever I go I mock

weakness and famine. Stare

if you will. You

are afraid of me.

Men Pale at my

hunger. They are not men

with me. And women

shrink away, scorn

in their narrow eyes

but I despise them. They

bend to the will of others.

I do not bend at all.

I am a mighty goddess

a prehistoric queen

symbol of wealth and

terrible power.

Trifle with me

and I will

crush

you.

****Taken from the anthology, 'I Am Becoming The Woman I've Wanted' -Edited by Sandra Haldeman Martz

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0918949491/104-2509782-3424747?v=glance
~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!

The very top photo is of A in our hotel room-she was calling the front desk to find out where we could have breakfast at. The photo under that is of the Dragster-which was thankfully closed during our stay. B and I had agreed to ride EVERYTHING and so we would have been honor bound to ride this as well. This ride was supposed to only take 17 seconds. It reminded me of the little match box cars racing tracks-which I am sure it was supposed to be a lifesize version of that for every little kid that wanted to really ride on the race tracks they built for their cars. I would have ridden it and will ride it next year if it is open-but I can honestly say I dread it. The third photo down is the Power Tower-which was the very first ride we rode when we arrived at Cedar Point on friday night. You can choose to ride up or down-we chose up. The ride pulls you up quickly to 240 feet and drops you slowly OR pulls you up to 240 feet slowly and drops you quickly. We all hated it and never discussed riding it again and going down. The fourth photo down, is I think, the Raptor. The Raptor was my least favorite ride because there was no car to ride in. We were strapped into a bike seat kind of thing and our feet hung down. I was ok until they started pulling us up the incline to drop us down the first hill. I looked down and between my feet I could see people walking around the park beneath us and I swear I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My chest got tight, my breath grew short and I felt dizzy. Fear-which is not something I feel often-truly siezed me. I even used my Buddhist meditation techniques to calm down. I looked at the car infront of me, focused only on that and counted my breaths. By the time the ride really got going I was fine-but I do not have any desire to EVER ride that again. I have since found out it is supposed to the safest ride at the park-whatever, I hate the feeling of flying without being in a closed vehicle of some kind. Good thing witches do not really ride broomsticks or who knows what a mess I would be in. The final photo down, this was our view of Cedar Point from our hotel room window. We stayed in the park at Hotel Breakers. The ride shown is the Magnum XL200 and it was my favorite of the rollercoasters. I had never stayed in the park before. I had been to Cedar Point many times-once a year through most of my middle and high school years-yet only as a day trip. Take a charter bus for the day, arrive around 10 am spend the day and leave around 10 pm. I never realized how much more there was than rollercoasters.

I am really glad that we were able to go. It was a rough trip though. Everything was all set in place and I woke up Thursday sick as a dog and got sicker as the day progressed. I should have put myself, A and my plans ahead of work and taken the day off sick-but I did not. I knew S (store manager) was out of town and did not want to leave D (assistant store manager) hanging. D was actually off and set to work the weekend-it was just J (senior sales rep-supervisor/manager) and I( senior customer service rep-supervisor/manager) both as closing managers and no opening manager. D had to come in on her day off and open the store. The greeter never showed up, we were short staffed and very busy-so I stayed. I was so miserable, my nose and eyes were running and I was sneezing and coughing uncontrollably. It was so bad even customers were telling me I should go home. Thankfully no one was too rude or horrible because I just was not in the mood. P(my dad) brought B (my sister) out to my house and I called A into the school absence/attendance line for friday because I was too tired to get up with her in the morning-she was supposed to go to school friday until 1PM-and wanted to try and sleep as much as possible. I stopped at Meijers thursday night and bought every cold/allergy medicine I could think of and went to bed early. We got a late start friday because I was feeling so shitty. Then we had stop a couple of times for gas and snacks-but we were on the road just before 1PM. The trip went pretty smoothly until we actually got to the Cedar Point exit. I had printed directions off of mapblast, mapquest and the Cedar Point website-this is the season for construction after all and I wanted to be prepared. However, the freeway had a sign saying exit here for Cedar Point-it turned out to be the scenic route-we drove through town and then the country. I even thought I was lost at one point, but we were not. Eventually we ended up at the park. We checked into the hotel and were ready and at the gates at 5:30. Resort guests can enter the park a 1/2 hour early on friday. We walked around-trying to pick a ride that was open-not all rides are open friday night. Finally we realized thateven though we were able to pre-enter the park, no rides were open until 6pm. We decided to ride the Power Tower, then we rode the Iron Dragon. I was so sick I am not sure what all we rode that night-but I did not really enjoy any of them. I know we rode the Raptor, the Magnum, the BlueStreak and maybe a few other rides. We walked back to our hotel room to get our jackets and then we went to a magic show with Tim Hill-it was very funny and we went to a haunted house-Pharoah's Keep-it was lame. Then we finished the night off by going to CarnEvil-at which point A freaked out anf started screaming-very embarassing-and we had to get an escort out of the event. That kind of killed the mood and we headed back to the hotel. Saturday I was feeling better and because the park had been so empty friday assumed-quite incorrectly-that it would also be empty or semi-empty saturday-HA! So we had a late breakfast and did not worry about being at the park early-as resort guests we could enter 1 hour early saturday and sunday. We ate way too much and decided to walk around for awhile before taking any rides. We wandered over in the old section-Frontierstown. It was home to the wooden rollercoasters-we rode all of them. The Meanstreak, The Gemini, The Cold Mine-whatever the name was. I really liked the wooden rollercoasters-they did not go as fast as the newer ones and the drops were not as sudden or scary, but the rides lasted longer and were fun without being scary. A rode either the Gemini or the Mean streak-I can not remember which-but refused to ride the Cold Mine-which was lame and definetely a kiddie rollercoaster. It was funny too because they psyched us out. They pulled us slowly up-a long way up- which made me think we were going to be dropped fast and far-I was all ready to scream-B and I-when we started fall and were immediately level again. We had to laugh. Then A decides she wants to go on this log ride-which involved water and I felt it was too cold out to get wet, B agreed so A decided to go alone. Finally after like 45 minutes we see her in her boat with this horrified and traumatized look on her face. It turns out that this ride had a huge drop-like a roller coaster-and that A had begged to get off the ride and been told repeatedly that it was too late to stop it-poor baby! The park was horribly crowded the later in the day it got. I assumed that it would be less crowded in the evening-don't know why I thought that-so we headed back to the room to rest and then eat dinner and return to the park at about 6 or 7. Well, by the time we returned to the park it was even busier than before. We rode a few more rollercoasters-but the waits were up to 1 or more. So long in fact that we ended up not riding the Millenium Force because the wait was over 2 hours and it was already 8pm. We rode more rollercoasters, the Iron Dragon a 2nd time, the Magnum a 2nd time, A went on the antique cars a 2nd time, we caught another haunted house-the Vampires Lair-and a another show. We thought it was about 11:45 or so when we left the park-but it was only 10:15 and we could habe riden another ride, possibly even the Millenium Force. I did not bother to get tickets for Sunday but will do so next year because Sunday was as empty as friday and EVERYTHING was open. I am going to price a summer trip, first or second week in June, Monay thru Thursday at Hotel Breakers-if it is reasonable we will go then. The hotel is right on the beach and I think it would be really nice to stay during the summer and take advantage of some beach time as well as the rides. However, if it is too expensive than we will definetely be going back in October for the Halloweekends. In fact we may be going for the Halloweekends regardless. I hate crowds and halloweekends I think will probably always be less crowded than during the summer. I will see. But if we do go for Halloweekends, we will still go friday night and saturday, but we will also stay for sunday and leave monday. I am pretty sure it is not that much more expensive to stay another day and we could have had alot more time at the rides. Either way, we will definetely be going back next year. I had a blast! In fact, in all of the pictures they take during the scariest moments of the rollercoaster rides, i was smiling in every one. Holding on for dear life, but smiling none the less. B, on the other hand, was looking decidely nervous and tense. Yet, everytime we got off the ride, she would say, "oh, that wasn't bad at all, that was nothing". LOL!!!!!! B's favorite ride was the Mantis-which was a standing up rollercoaster. The ride was not bad, it was fast and fun and very scary, but, it was uncomfortable. The harness that went over my head was loose and I hit both sides of my head at every turn. By the time the ride was over I was working on a migraine and seeing spots in my vision. My favorite rollercoaster was the Magnum. It was fast and scary and I loved it. It was the last ride we rode at Cedar point and I am really bummed that we did not stand in line for the Millenium Force because everyone I have talked to says if I liked the Magnum I would love the Millenium Force-that will be my first ride next year. I am not sure what A liked best, probably the Iron Dragon because she wated to go on it twice. It was a cool ride and like the corkscrew took us through quite abit of the park, which was very cool.

~~~~Where ever you go, There you are!