Two posts in almost the same week, that must be almost a record for me:)
Let' s see on the work front......
E moved to part time and we could not get the approval to replace her. It appears that something has been worked out and we are now going to get a part time RSR. It is a position that SCS got approved and posted for, but who is actually going to work at our store. So, we are doing intrviews. I am pretty sure we will hire one of our current greeters. I need to talk to KB but I think we should go with C. C and R are both greeters since the beginning of December. I like R alot, she is nice, sweet, good with customers and just a really nice person. Also, she is settled and that would be a nice addition to our staff. However, she is needy. She has had issues with A and E and she always wants to leave early and has called in a few times. I also feel like she is just doing what needs to be done to make ends meet and the moment something else opens up she would leave with little or no notice. She wants to make more than we pay and I do not think she is really prepared for the reality of working retail. I also am not sure she would be able to handle the quota and bring in sales and business. I think she is nervous about it too. Niether prospects really build my confidence in hiring her. On the other hand C is very attractive, the staff and customers love her, men come in to see her and I think she could hit and exceed her quota just by playing on her looks-especially in our location. I like R better and I believe that K does too. I just think that C is the better business choice and that is going to be a difficult call to make. It will be akward as hell hiring one and not the other and is sure to cause hurt feelings whoever does not get hired. I just need to know how KB feels. He has been so mellow lately and we seem to be trending on getting along better. I have heard that his wife is pregnant with baby #7, so maybe he is motivated to really make our store work. I do not know. Whatever it is, it seems to be working out for the best for us both.
On the friend front.......
I am talking to CL alot. She moved recently to RO and her moved in with her. She seems happy with the move and her mom. She also decided not to see men for a while which I think is a realy good idea. She is trying to make better choices and I support that 100%. I also see her fear that she will always be alone. She is trying to resign herself to it, but I really do not think it has to be that way for her. I think she can find someone who loves and suits her and be happy. I know she also thinks I will ultimately end up alone and I think in a strange way it comforts her. Makes it easier for her to be alone. She says that we have many of the same issues and fears, they just manifest very differently in us. She is right. I too am afraid to be alone, but rather than pick up every loser that comes my way, I shut myself off and look for reasons to push men away. I have been through periods in my life where I thought I was resigned to being alone. There have even been times when I believed myself that I was ok with it. Yet, I know that is not true either. I am just crippled by fears and my own worst enemy-just like she is. I see her growing and maturing and I know she will be ok. It is difficult for her in a way it is not for me. I have always envied her ease with people, men, sex and situations. She is in her element where ever she is, she does not blend in, but she can find her place. I feel like I am always odd man out-I can fake it and often do, but I do not really fit, do not really have a place. Even when I find a niche I am not really comfortable there. I only recently realized that she envies me my maturity. In both of our cases, our greatest strengths are also our greatest faults, life is odd like that.
Then there is D and N. I had been seeing them alot until I started dating B. They came to my party and we even talked about vacationing together. I am hoping that even though they are back from vacation like 3 days before Con starts, that they are still planning on attending Con. It would not eb the same without them. I am kinda worried about N, she seems down. I think it is probably the winter blahs, but my instinct tells me something is off, not wrong necesarily so much as not quite right. I think Con will renew her and I hope she is able to come.
On the parent front....
My step dad is sick. He was here around my birthday for Aunt M's funeral. He looked awful, I mean really, really bad. He had prostate cancer years ago, A was still a baby. I guess he started having problems or something because he was undergoing radiation for it again. I did not realize what a toll radiation took on the body. Eventually my mom got him to the hospital-where he needed 4 pints of blood-no wonder he was so sick. He left for home just before Yule and a few weeks ago K called to tell me he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and was having surgery. W is not my real father, and I love my P alot. But, W has been in my life since I was 2, I do not have a single memory that does not include him. I can not remember a time when he was not my dad. I do not pretend that this is as diffiicult for me as it is for K, but I am more upset than I thought. I realize that why I always knew rationally that I would lose my parents, I never think about it happening anytime soon. I always thought P would have the most issues-he had heart problems, high blood pressure and stuff before I was even born. He has had a few minor heart attacks, but G takes excellent care of him. I think he will significantly longer thanks to the care she takes with him. On the other hand, now that he and mom have divorced, W has really gone done health wise. It concerns me. I am not ready to lose him, even though I do not talk to him much. He has been a constant and dependable strength in my life for as long as I can remember. Hell A spends more time with him than she does with P. I want to be there for his surgery, but he called to tell me to wait until he was better and to bring the girls to visit him. I am thinking of going over Easter-if I can get it off. Or after the family reunion. Still, if something happens and I did not take the time or make the effort to see him more I know I will regret it for as long as I live. I am not ready to start this phase of my life-caring for and worrying about my parents.
On the dating front....
after my last post I had decided to stop seeing B, but CL talked me out of it. She said that I just wanted to run away because I was scared and that in all likelihood I would end up with a broken heart and crying over this fool (I know great way to encourage me, huh?) BUT that it would not be the same as it was before. I am older, more mature and have too much going on to lose it over a man, any man. Also, she pointed out (as have others) that no man is perfect and sometimes you have to work with what you get. She told me to think less and live more. I am happy and enjoying the company, why worry about if he is "the one" or not. So, I am pulling up my big pants and trying to just not think too much. See my problem is I analyze life as much as I live it. I am so busy trying to see what I did wrong and how I can learn from it and not make the same mistake that I allow my fears to cripple me. I have been forced to make ends meet for myself and A. I have never really had anyone I could completely depend on, that has helped me to develop what I need to be successful. It has also made me leery of trusting others and even giving them a chance. I want to control the situation, control the outcome, control the people involved, mitigate the damages. I realize rationally that life can not be controlled, trying to do so only makes me unhappy, yet I can not seem to move beyond it. So I either spend my time and energy unhappy and frustrated from trying to control everything, or I shut myself off from the world. Niether is very healthy for me. I have to find a way to make my life work as it exists, insecurities, uncontrollables and all. I have to find the way to live in the moment-which I struggle with so much. Not struggle so much as fight. Life is sending me what I need, but I have to take it and make it work, struggles and all. I can see how much happier I would be if I could just relax, let go. For all his shortcomings, I can do that with B. I do not know why, which makes me nervous when I am not with him. I am wound so tight it is not at all surprising I am crumbling under the stress. Just sitting with him on the couch is like a shelter in that storm, I do not know why and I do not trust it, but it is true none the less. So, for now, I will live today in this moment and worry more tomorrow. I always do.
Where ever you go, There you are!

Dear Blog, it has been months since my last confession.......
So, update time-what's has been going on in my world? Believe it or not, not a whole hell of alot.
On the work front, while I feel better about my job, the pressure is mounting. Mostly because sales are down by so much and our state is really in an economic crisis, my store beinge located in a very impoverished area does not help much either. In retrospect I think both K and I were going through a rough patch and it kind of fed off of each other. After my melt down, I really stepped back at work. First, I decided to stop applying for manager positions right now. I feel like I can barely handle my job and perhaps I need to reassess before I take on anything else. I also decided not to cover K's ass. I was spending alot of time and effort covering K's ass, which was wearing me out, frustrating and discouraging me. It is difficult to do, but I am taking it one day at a time and letting the store look bad, even if I look bad in the process. I also decided to no longer play middle man with the staff. If they have issues or problems they need to go directly to K and not use me as the middle man. It has made my life incredibly more peaceful.
On the parenting front, things with A have been better, but we had a truly rought time. The week after her birthday A ran away. It did not last long and I actually had her back home by about 8:30 or 9, but it has to be without a doubt the most horrible experience of my life. I had been having such a rough time emotionally that I was hardly focusing on her at all. She was doing her typical not doing homework, not turning in assignments, not participating in class, etc, etc. It was parent-teacher conferences and I let her know that we were going together. I was still at work and she called to let me know she was home and kept texting me asking what time I would be home and if we were going to parent teacher conferences that night. Now, a week or so before she had casually mentioned running away. I kinda freaked out and told her how worried I would be and that I could track her by her cell phone. Well, I pulled up and could kinda tell she was not there. In all honesty I thought she was at a friends house, a day or so earlier she had lied about being on her way home and I had caught her. I did not panic at first, but texted her asking where she was. I lost the exact text, but it was something along the lines of her being safe and with good people and not to do anything stupid because she was turning off her cell phone so I could not find her. I called the police-who were useless. They did not show up to even take a report for over an hour and when they did show up they basically let me know that nothing would be done until she had been missing at least 24 hours. It was awful. I do not really know her friends because she is a teenager and we are new to this area. It is not like when she was younger and I knew all of her friends and their parents. She talks about people she knows and goes to school with, but I could not remember their names, she has her own cell phone so I do not have any numbers to contact her at. I have never felt so stumped in my life. I did not know if she was safe or in danger or if she had run off with some strange man from the internet. The police were useless, I went to her school and talked to her counselor-he was a waste of space. Finally in desperation I talked to the principal who knew who she was, who her friends were and started calling until he found her. I do not think the shock had really worn off even when I got her home. I do know that I have never been the same since. I also have never forgiven her for it, I do not think I ever will. I am changed forever by this incident. At first, I thought it was just some stunt on her part and she would be home at dark. Once it got to be like 8 and I realized that the police were not going to help at all and that i was on my own, I started to panic. I could not bear the thought of her being gone over night, gods know where. We found her just as I thought I was going to completely lose it. It turns out that she was failing most of classes-surprise, surprise and that for some odd ass reason she "always knew she was going to run away" so she just decided to do it. She was the only one of her friends who had not skipped school, so she skipped the second half of the day and then decided to run away. She took her birthday money-like $40.00 and thats all. No change of clothes, no food, nothing. She was hanging out at some girl's house who she hardly even knew. She had no idea where she was going to spend the night or what she was going to do when it got dark. When I picked her up she was crying and really had not much to say. She gave me some song and dance about being molested years ago at her dad's girl friends house, by his girl friends teenage son. I do not know if that I true or not. I have no real memory of her even spending the night with her dad. At the most it would have been once, she said it did not hurt, so I doubt he did more than scare her. Either way, she is clearly traumatized about something. So, I took her to see a therapist and got her a peditrician and put her back on her ADHD meds. I am still nervous about the whole situation and still worry about her being home alone too long and dropping her off and picking her up for school. A is such an enigma in alot of ways. On the one hand she is basically a good kid. I mean she has a smart mouth, she is lazy and talks back and her attitude leaves much to be desired-but than again she is a teenager. On the other hand, she is like a baby-wanting to sleep in my bed, wanting me to be home with her. Than she is running away, like she is abused or mistreated. I am far from the world's best mother-not even close-but still I am surprised at the running away. It makes me nervous and afraid about when to expect. I also remember running off with A's father when I was 18 and I know how my parents felt now. But if she ran away at 14, what else will she do before it is all said and done. I have backed off her somewhat-which is not good I know. I am so out of my element with her. I really feel the pain of being a single parent now. I feel like I can not handle it alone, but than again what choice do I have? She is too old to return:) I talked to my old friend Wolfgang and he told me that his ex-wife (who desperately wanted a child and they tried for years to have one) got so sick of his son ( who is the same age as A) that she dropped him off with his dad and moved back to France. I can sure relate to that feeling.
On the romance front, well, this is actually what started this whole trip down memory lane for me. For my birthday this year I decided to do a "party" at a local bar/club. I printed out a flier that I posted at work, and emailed lots of my friends. I liked the club and figured if only a few people showed up I would still have fun. I have always wanted to do a party, but being born the week before Christmas has always made it difficult. First, people often have shopping and or plans, they are also usually broke and then there is the unpredictable weather. So, I decided to give this party thing a shot and see what developed. It went well and I had a ton of fun. We got alot of snow, over 8 inches mostly starting the night of my party, so the turn out was light, but those that did turn up were fun. At the party our security guard, B, stopped me coming back from the bathroom and told me he had a crush on me. To say I was shocked would be like saying Stonehedge is a few stones in the yard. I had never said more than a few hello's and good-byes to him and was not even sure of his name. I could see he was nervous and could imagine how hard it would be to put yourself out there like that. We work together and how embarassing for him if I laughed or downed him at work. Normally I think I would have said no, but he caught me off guard, plus the circumstances and aided in large part by the alcohol I had consumed as well as both my mom and CL thinking he was cute, I gave him my number. It was weird because "L" was there. I had began seeing L again in October, Novemeber? we had gone on a few dates and talked on the phone abit. I feel no spark with him, but he is smart choice for me and if he was not such a perve, probably we would have been together years ago. Either way, it made for a good birthday. On the way home CL strongly encouraged me to hook up with one of my RSR's. He has kind of liked me since I started, but he only talks about it when he is drunk. I have seen it in his face, but he is extremely reserved and in all honesty, while I like him quite abit, I think his interest in me is due mostly to me being his boss. Anyway, B called the next day and I think I may have talked to him then. Either way, we did not actually go out until the day after Christmas, when we got ice cream. I was not that enthused about going out with him and really only did it because I know I need to stop bitching about wanting a relationship when I push the men who want me away. Before that date was even over he wanted to know when he could see me again. I was kind of surprised because we do not seem to have much in common at all. But, he was chasing me pretty steady and I liked it. So, we got together again for a movie. He talked through the movie and I still was not liking him that much. I think in large part I was and am still holding myself back. All I can see are the downfalls. I am going with it because I know that I need to work out some of my own relationships phobias and he seems safe enough. I do not know when I really started to feel comfortable with him and like him for real, but I think I do. I went from not really caring either way if I saw him again, to wanting to see and talk to him. We are opposites though and I feel nervous about taking this any further. Let me list the basics here: He is a year younger than me, has 2 kids with the same mother but he was never married to her, he has been separated from her for about 10 months. He says they were back and forth for years and that they can not get along at all. He lives with his mom, but is very active with his kids-which I like alot. He works 3 days a week as an armed security guard and goes to school for a year or so, with about a year left, he is studying to be a private investigator. He is a huge sports fanatic and is always watching a game, planning to watch a game or talking about a game. He is very quiet and seems very concerned with what I think about him. When we first started talking he told me that he knew I did not really date guys like him and asked me alot about what I wanted. I really focused on keeping it casual and that my main concerns are my daughter and my work.
Alright, my major concerns about him: first and foremost the situtation with his ex.-Why did they break up? Are they going to get back together and leave me with hurt feelings? How often do they break up/get back together? If I was not dating him, would they work their relationship out? I have noticed that other than small occassional comments he avoids talking about his ex and their relationship-which makes me even more suspicious.
Second, his motivation, he only works 3 days a week. I recognize he is in school, but he is taking classes to be a private investigator, so it's not like it is a skilled trade. It concerns me that he may have a pattern of being under-employed. I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it worries me none the less. Since my ex-husband I have made it a policy to not date men that have employment issues. I make more than enough to take care of A and myself all by myself, but I also recognize that supporting a man financially would not be for me. I do not have it in me to be nice about that kind of thing.
Third, his lack of useful skills. I think I could handle his employment status better if he was handy. He made it clear right off the bat that he does not really know how to fix things. I know it is sexist to assume he might, but it would sure be helpful to me to have someone who could do that type of stuff. In addition he does not do laundry (nor seem that interested in doing it) nor does he know how to cook (nor seem that interested in doing it either). In many ways he seems to be an almost traditional man but, not in the ways I need. I also have a feeling he is not much for cleaning. I know myself well enough to know him sitting around my house waiting for me to cook dinner and wanting his clothes washed, while I work all day and pay most of the bills is never going to fly with me. He also mentioned to me that his mother and sisters kind of spoiled him. I know lots of men like that. Women ruin their sons. Honestly, they wait on them hand and foot, do not teach them useful stuff like cooking, laundry or cleaning and set their expectations for that in a relationship. I can see why he and his ex would fight. I could not have his under-employed ass laying a round my house or running the streets with his friends, while I have the privledge of doing all of the real housework and paying most of the bills. I would send him home to his mama too. Now, to be fair I do not know the extent to which my suppositions are accurate.
Fourth, we have so little in common. We do not like the same shows, music or anything like that. I detest sports and I have a feeling he would not find most of what I enjoy entertaining. In addition he is not the sharpest tack in the drawer and I have never tolerated fools lightly. He also seems to lack imagination sexually and he comes too quickly. He also he spends too much time in the streets. He is constantly at a friends house or going to a friends house. Again, that may be because he is living at home with his mom and bored. Who knows, but I do not like it much.
Alright, the things I like about him:
First and foremost, he is very relaxed and laid back. He does not seem to really get upset or irritated and my bitchy moods seem to run off his back like water. There is alot to be said for that, even though it is just a sentence or two. I know I am moody and difficult and a pill to deal with-especially in a romantic relationship.
Second, he does not push me at all. He did not push me about our dates, he did not push me for sex and he seems very comfortable with the limits I set on us seeing each other.
Third, he wants to please me. If I tell him I do not like something, he remembers and does not do it around me. I can read him fairly easily and he seems relatively open and honest with me.
Fourth, he seems to like me so much. He treats me like I am attractive and desirable and intelligent. He seems to value me and refers to me as a "good girl". He also seems to think I am a better catch for him, than he is for me-which I am. I like that, alot.
The bottom line is he is not someone I would have chosen for myself. He is tall and attractive and very sweet, but he makes me nervous. I am afraid of falling for him and getting sucked to his level. I am also afraid of him cheating or still seeing his ex. I am afraid that we just are not compatible. I compared our horoscopes-I am a match for his horoscope, but he is not a match for mine. It is stupid and I do not place alot of weight in such things, but after K who was so incompatible with me I did promise myself I would not again hook up with a negative horoscope sign. I feel bad when he spends money on me because I know how much I out earn him. I am concerned that he is using me to make his ex jealous. I am concerned that he is using me because I am stable and have a good job. I am afraid of making a bad choice in dating him. I am afraid of getting hurt and looking a fool. I am afraid that the only reason I am so into him is because I feel desperate and out of options.
I know rationally in life and love their are no guarantees, but he is so far out of my comfort zone that I feel nervous. I am going to to talk to him, hopefully soon and get an understanding of where we both stand. I know that I can not push him away and expect it to be anything. I also know that I can not move too quickly and expect to not get hurt. It is good to get out what I am thinking and feeling so I can face it.
~~~Where ever you go, There you are!!!