Wednesday, September 21, 2005

*************Warning**********************
SERIOUS BITCHING AND COMPLAINING TO FOLLOW


I have got the worst luck in the world with men. Honestly, it has to be something I am doing, because this is unbelievable how odd it is. First off I am not into bullshit so most relationships aren't going to even get started with me. I have a kid who loves to play games with me if I wanted a game I would play with her. What I seek is a mature, honest, ****single***** adult. I go through dating phases-I date until all men start to get on my last fucking nerve and than I stop dating again for awhile. Truly, it is as if the world revolves around them and there needs and it has GOT to be easier to be single. Then , on the few occassions I do open myself-I meet weirdos and freaks. I do not mean perverts-hell I am pretty open sexually and there is nothing I like more than exploring-with the right person of course. There was L-who I really grew on me. He was quiet, laid back, easy going and wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, wanted to go wherever I wanted to go and acted like the sun shone out of my ass-hard to not like that in a person. I shied away from him because he was boring-then, just when I am starting to get used to him and comfortable around him, he drops this whole s&m thing. We had barely kissed, never had sex, and here he is wanting me to tie him up and spank him. To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. To think I was worried because he was boring, huh! It made me think of when I had dated that one guy years ago who turned out to be a cross dresser-WTF!!!!!!!! I like to think I am VERY open-minded, but just because I do not care if others are into, does not mean *I* am into it. If I really look at it I can see how I would attract a more needy man. I used to have many needy friends until I realized that when I was in crisis there was no one I could depend on and I cut that shit cold turkey. I also realized that I gained in self-esteem-falsely-by surrounding myself with people who were fucked up. I got some real self-esteem and now fucked up people making fucked up choices get the boot. I no longer have patience for that shit and avoid entangling myself in their lives and problems. Life is too short for baggage and so I dropped mine. I can honestly say that my life has been happier. It seems that I am replacing needy friends with needy men. My friend W says that I am a commanding woman-both in stature and in self-confidence and that is what the men are attracted to. He says there is alot of validity in s&m and to embrace that part of myself. I have no negative feelings about people who are into the s&m thing-as long as all parties are consenting adults, I could honestly care less-but it does nothing for me sexually, in fact it is a turn off. I mean if I was in love and in a committed relationship and we were experimenting to spice things up, I could go for it. But the idea of a total stranger wanting me to dominate them, grosses me out. How is it sexy for me to be mean to them or hurt them? More to the point, why would I want to? I think people into domination feel a lack of control over their own lives. I do not feel that way. I am a mom-so I already control one life. Add to that I work in customer service-so I spend 8-9 hours a day listening to people whine, moan and complain and I often feel like some of the people I work with are my kids-" help the next customer", "get off of the phone", "come back from lunch on time", help with closing", etc. I hate that shit, the LAST thing I desire in my life is someone else to boss around. Gods, where would I get the energy and why would I want to bother. It does not make me hot, it makes me uncomfortable. So, why is this coming up again? I have managed to meet a man who I could like as a friend. He is intelligent and interesting and local-and I LOVE having male friends-the energy invigorates me. I like the male perspective and it works really well as long as sex and sexual tension stay out of it. Yet, what started off friendly has in some weird-ass-fucking-way turned into the s&m thing. He is not going to be like L who was easy to turn away, he is a challenge-which intirgues me. I always like a good challenge. Plus, I wonder if the reason this does not keep entering my life isn't because somewhere inside of me I crave it-or have issues left over from B to work out. After all I do not exist in a vaccumm, so if these type of men keep seeking me out, I must be encouraging it in some way I am not consciously aware of. He would be perfect to explore it with in a way, because there is no chance in hell I would ever develop feelings for him outside of friendship- if that. He is a bitch, I have no patience with emotional men. He is desperately looking for depth and inner pain. He is also lacking in real life experience, self confidence and self esteem-which is annoying-but not that bad, he kind of reminds me of T. He is my age but if I did not know better I would think he is maybe 25? He is very intelligent, which frankly works against him because he thinks too much and knows too little. Much of life simply is, sometimes things just are because they are and you just have to accept it and work with it, rather than always looking for hidden meaning. Hidden meaning does not always exist and I think he searches for something deeper to distract himself from the present monotony of everyday life. He is seeking greatness and balance and answers-convinced what he seeks is out there-but if you can not find what you seek within yourself-you will NEVER find it without. I find it ironic that he is studying eastern philosphy and religions and neo-pagan philosphy and relgion-but for all of his vast intelligence-missing the point. Poor guy, he will never see the forest for he is too busy examining the trees. I think it is largely due to the fact that he suffers middle class angst. He is unsatisfied with himself and his life, yet he has not had horrible life experiences to account for his present unhappiness-and so he is seeking a reason this must be so and making up stuff along the way. He is a white boy from a well off family and has never struggled with an issue more weighty than how upset his daddy is going to be if he does not pick the same career as daddy has. Yawn!!!! He has never suffered, but is attracted to people who do, has read too many theories, but has very little actual "real" experience with life. So, he "realized" at 25 or so that he was emotionally abused as a child. It is almost like he is stuck in the teenage rebellion stage and unable to move past it to adulthood. He always felt more like he was parenting his mom than she was parenting him. His father was emotionally unavaible and he felt unable to be what his father needed him to be. I can certainly relate to that. However, I also know that my mom did the best she could with what she had. She did not abuse me, she was doing a difficult job, the best she could with the tools she had at hand. I realize that not meeting my parents goals and dreams for me is not failing on my part or theirs. I am becoming that which is best for me-which is truly what they wanted for me all along. They wished for me the things they were never able to achieve for themselves for whatever reason and believe that if I achieve these things I will be guaranteed happiness and success. He is disappointed in his parents because they let him down, they are not omnipotent, they are just people and as such very fallible. Becoming a parent does not make you perfect. Your life and growth as a person and an adult does not stop, halt or even slow down because you are a parent. So, you do not always do or say the right thing. You do not always do what is best for your child and often you do not even know what is best. Not because you do not love them or care about them, but because this is the best you have right now and the best you can do. That does not make the child abused nor the parent a bad parent. That makes parents human, wanting the best, meaning the best and falling short-inevitably. Your parents having hopes, dreams, wishes and expectations of you are not abuse. Far from it, it is the parent that does not care and can not be bothered that is closer to abuse than the one that does. Parenting is not at ALL what he thinks it is or what he hears it is or has read it is. He is looking for a way to heal that disapointment, but in all honesty he will never truly see or understand until he has kids and realizes how imperfect he is as a parent. It will be much more clear to him, as he makes some of the same mistakes his parents did and all new ones as well. He has a psychology and psychiatry background-which he feels means he knows what he is talking about, but seems unable or unwilling to see or learn past that. Unable to grasp that book learning is interesting and fun, but life is never that easy or neat or simple. Perhaps oddest of all, he seems fascinated with tribal societies and convinced that humans suffer in the society we have created. I agree that our culture is not a healthy one, but I do not think tribal societies were the ideal either. I find it hilarious to even suggest so. Also his pointing out that in tribal societies 13 was an adult and the age of maturity and people were ready to be adults at that age in society. He seems to think that has some bearing on present day-but in all honesty I think it probably is most affected by the fact that people died at 30 and 40 was ancient. Well, if you were not a fully mature functioning adult at 13 and died at 30 you would have a short sad life. That does not really fit into our society where many people are barely out of adolesence at 30. As if rape, murder, incest, famine, hunger, human failings were less so in tribal cultures, as if they (tribal cultures) were more innately fair or humane. People are people-whatever setting they are in. I am sure environment plays a role in how these issues play out, but I think he might be surprised at just how familiar the people of ancient tribal societies would be to him, how much like present people with the same pettiness and differences. It is extreme naivete. It kind of reminds me of his belief that pagans would be somehow different than mainstream people in their everyday attitudes and philosphies, more noble, altruistic, less petty, catty, prejudiced, short sided-human. No, they too are prejudiced, close minded, angry, rude, ignorant, selfish-as his joining the michigan pagans no doubt allowed him to see. Yet still he did not allow reality to interfere with his fantasy-he dismissed these pagans as not "true" pagans. If I disagree with him he says that since I have not studied as he has, what he has, my opinions have no value. It is hilarious. Like his opinions hold more weight because he has read theories about tribal societies but does not have enough real world experience to realize that theories are just theories and not reality or facts. Nor to realize that opinions are like assholes-we all have them and we all think ours are correct. Even if you know yours better than I know mine, even if you have mapped it and graphed it and know every teeny tiny square inch of it, it is still an asshole. Further more, because I think he is accustomed to women who do not know themselves, when I do not agree with him or allow him to patronize me with his bullshit, he attacks my opinions as faulty or suggests I am comparing him to past men who have hurt me. He is passive agressive and manipulative, no danager what so ever I would be too attached to him-perfect to practice on. It is too bad really, he would make a great friend. I love that shit. CL knows that, we never agree on shit, and yet she is the oldest friend I have and no one in the world knows me like she does. It almost seems she knows me better than I know myself. I digress, so what's the problem? I can barely stomach his fantasies. I do not feel like they are sick and harmful or unnatural or anything. They just bore me. Why would I want someone I barely know to strip in my living room and masturbate while I sat there clothed? Why would I be interested in a man who felt the need to even do that with a perfect stranger? The best thing about this is his absolute conviction that this is what his "inner child" needs and how this will help him to develop and grow. It stems from his belief that people can not be mature unless they hit every level and stage of development. Well, I never hit this one and I see to be pretty ok-well, not really, perhaps THIS is what my life really missing!!!!! Must have missed the strip, kneel and masturbate in front of perfect stranger stage in Freud.

The real question, what really bothers me, is not him, I will ignore him and be done with it-nothing lost or gained there. The real question is why did I respond to him in the first place? Why do I respond to men who will annoy and disgust me and feed into my already skewed image of the male psyche? That is the real issue and the real question and ultimately my real frustration. -(I am sure it stemmed from education interfering with my ability to truly develop into a mature adult by the age of 13-which was lost as my ancestors were forced out their "natural" evolutionary perfect tribal society:)
~~~~Where ever you go, there you are.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home