Forgive me dedicated blog readers it has been-well-a long time since my last post......
My life has changed since then-in a very real and concrete way.
In some ways it is better, in some ways it is worse-either way such is life. I am not ready to talk about that change on here so instead I am going to focus on dating......
I started this year off dating B. B was not my type at all, but was very good looking and simple and probably the closest I have ever come to dating a "thug". He was also a stoner and a loser who lived with his mom. He was the largest man I was ever intimate with and it was really nice. I am usually the same height-if not taller-than the men I date. I never realized how feminine I would feel with a larger man. He was also the dumbest man I ever dated-that was rough. He was a real game player and it got old fast. However, he was the first man I had slept with in a very long time and I think my dating confidence was lacking because of it. So, I guess I can say that he got me back interested in the dating "game".
After B-this summer-I put an ad on a free dating site.
In the spring, after B-I had an epiphany-that I would be happier if I had an adult relationship-it would make the other hum drum aspects of my life more acceptable. I wanted someone that was invested in my life and who's life I could invest in as well. I also decided that I wanted to be married by the time I was 35. Not sure why 35 seemed like the right age, but it did at the time. As I was already 33.5, I only had 1.5 years to meet, fall in love with and marry the man of my dreams. What WAS I thinking? I was thinking that it seemed so easy for everyone around me. What was it that I lacked that kept me from being successful in a long term relationship? I am 33 and the longest adult relationship I have ever had lasted just under 3 years. I always said that I met the wrong men or picked the wrong men or there were no single men out there, etc. Whatever the case may be, whatever my underlying issues, I wanted this elusive "couple" status that everyone around me seemed to be able to manage with such ease-even through break ups and divorces, they all met someone else, only I remained single. I knew of women less attractive, less intelligent and with a lot less to offer living with/married to decent guys-so I had to be doing something wrong. So, I decided to get back out there and keep trying until I got it right!
I started talking to lots of men who all said I was beautiful-lol! I had the usual online dating site experience-lots of email exchanges, even some phone calls, but nothing that went anywhere. The first guy I actually met in person was J. J was a few years younger than me and reminded me of a puppy-eager but friendly. He was also, as it turned out not without some rather hefty baggage himself. I have discovered that emotionally crippled men flock to me. Anyway, J was sweet and attentive and we had a few dates. He had self esteem issues, but I figured it must be difficult to hit on women-even online-and that as we dated he would feel less nervous. I did not feel nervous about him at all. He was pushing me for sex from the first date and I was holding him. I was not ready to be that intimate with him-his kisses were too slobbery, it just was too soon. Well, after about a month I decided ok, tonight's the night. Everything was going ok-he was somewhat over-eager, slightly rough and not that open to listening to what I liked. However, his true gifts were his oral skills-wow! He had told me he had a small penis and he did. Actually, I would have said under-developed. Usually a man that lacks length makes up for it with width, sadly that was not the case with J and was not doubt why his oral skills were so on point. Anyway, as it gets to be time to go further he freaks out. I mean he literally sits up in bed, covers his face and starts shrieking, "I can't do this, it's not going to work, etc, etc." I have to admit that I was shocked and somewhat disgusted. However, I tried to be nice, told him it was no big deal, went down on him told him it was probably just performance anxiety, etc, etc, etc. What I really wanted was for him to leave right then, but he stayed and seemed to calm down. The next day we spent the whole day together and I was thinking that he might be worth the sex issues. After all, I do like to explore sexually and he was attentive and I really, really, really wanted a boyfriend! Anyway, he would not return my calls for a week. We had agreed previous to the sex to stop dating others and I had modified my ad appropriately. Well, I am trying to work with him-thinking he just felt embarassed. I guess that a woman had never tried to work with him before because he became very different. He got snippy and we started arguing alot. I would tell him to leave me alone, than he would apologize and say how mortified he was about the almost sex and how he had low self-esteem because he was fat and ugly, etc, etc, etc. The long and short of it is I tried to work with him about 3 weeks? I never saw him again after the one sad almost sexual encounter. He would beg me to give him another chance, we would make arrangements to see eachother-then he would say he had to work, or was sick or was too tired, etc etc. Finally enough, was enough and I stopped even engaging in conversation with him. He seemed to feel like I was so "into" him that he could treat me like girls had always treated him. Poor fool, tricks are for kids. Once I realized that he was just using me to boost his self-esteem issues, I told him how I really felt about him. I figured that would be the last I heard from him, but nope, he continues to text me even to this day.
The weekend after I decided enough was enough with J, I met C. C was an older man-56-who was single-never married, no kids, lived in canada and was just so sweet and nice. We exchanged emails for weeks before I met him. In a first for me, I actually went to him, rather than having him come to me. Mostly because he had a boat and I thought it would be fun to go out on the boat. It was. He was a perfect gentleman and I have to say I have never had a better first date. His house was nice and neat, his boat was small but fun and instead of going out to dinner we ordered a pizza and went back out on the boat to watch the sun set. It was amazing. I think I fell in like with him right then and there. He did not seem to like me that much, he was perfect gentlemen but seemed distant. I sent him an email to that effect and he said nothing was further from the truth he just did not want to scare me since I had come to his house. We got together every weekend after that for a wonderful time on his boat. I really liked him. He was quiet, laid back, seemed sure of himself and was very attracted to me. I felt beautiful and wanted and safe with him. However, I knew in the little niggling part of my brain that he was 56 and never married because he had either committment or intimacy issues or both. Well, I think our 5th week I tried to get him to come to my side of the border since the weather was supposed to be too bad to go out on the boat. He did not want to. I called him on it. I said that my ad was very specific about what I was looking for and how were we going to have a relationship if it always depended on me coming to him? I had to find someone to keep my kid and someone to come and walk the dog. He had only himself. He sent me a long email about how he could not give me what I wanted, he had thought he could but now relaized he could not. He said that the age difference came into play-he just wanted to go home after work and chill, not cross the border, etc. I called him on his bullshit. It was not his age or not wanting to cross the border-as he saw multiple baseball games this side of the border and I am only maybe 20 mins away from there. Surely I am worth a baseball game? No, the real issue was that he was afraid or insecure or whatever. It had nothing to do with age or distance-after all he hit on me and charmed me into dating someone only 3 years younger than my father. I should have known better, like I said, he was not 56 and single for no reason. However, it hurt, it hurt my feelings alot. I liked him and really enjoyed spending time with him. I was sorry to see him go but unwilling to settle for what he could give me. I was also kinda pissed at him for wasting my time.
The weekend after my last weekend with C, I met another canadian-M. M reminds me quite abit of Thomas-only less annoying. he was a "geek" and we liked alot of the same shows and movies. He was also very recently separated. In fact, on our first date he had on his wedding ring-it was on his right instead of left hand but it was still weird. Anyway, we met at a bookstore in downtown RO talked for along time and then went to lunch. After lunch I surprised myself by inviting him back to the house. Br came over and she, I, A and M all watched movies and ordered pizza. He gave me a hug when he left but that was about all. I think I heard from him everyday after that-both by phone and by email. He was coming over several times a week-almost every other day. I was kind of annoyed with him. I was also on guard because he was so recently separated from his wife-60 days. He said that they had decided to split 18 months ago but had to live together until the house sold because niether of them had the money to get their own place and pay half of the bills for the house. I believe him, but I still felt he was rebounding with me and I was trying to be on guard. We were really more friends than anything else. I was ok with that until one night he took it further. I never even tried penetration with C-we just fooled around doing everything but. I had planned on that with M but he seemed to really want penetration. I was ok with it, but he was unable to maintain an erection. Just my luck, huh? Anyway, he admitted that night that he had the same problem with his wife, that he had a low sex drive-only was horny maybe 2 times a month-and that he thought it was just his wife and would be different with me. After that night, even when he stayed over I was careful not to allow intimacy beyond kissing. For many reasons-the main one being I did not think he was over his wife and I somehow thought not allowing sex play would protect my feelings. Sadly that was not the case either. I finally did let him know I felt and we talked about it. He said that he had always had a difficult time maintaining an erection-ever since he had started having sex and that he often masturbated and came without a full erection. When he and his wife were trying to get pregnant he had a full medical work up and the dr's found no physical reason for him to be unable to maintain an erection. So, basically it was emotional. He was an only child and kind of intense and closed about more things than I am, for sure. I think he thinks there is a right and wrong way for things to be done and has a limited ability to see the shades of grey. I feel like all I see are shades of grey:) Anyway, our conversation lowered my inhibitions but raised his. I decided to look on his sexual issue as something that we could work through with support. He claimed to be in love with me after like our second week of dating. After our talk, I bought him a cock ring, figuring it would help him to maintain an erection. In hindsight, I think that is what ended our relationship. I think he would still say it was me and I still believe it is heavily influenced by the recent end of his marriage. Anyway, his wife called him at midnight monday? while he was lying naked in my bed-after the cock ring had failed-and after he got off of the phone with her he asked me if he should leave. I said ok. I guess he took it as me breaking up with him. I did tell him at the door that I did not think he was finished with his wife-but I had been saying that since our first date. Anyway, like a day later he breaks up with me in a text message saying I have anger issues. Boy did that piss me off. I have all kinds of issues and a scary temper, but I am sick unto death of men side stepping the real reason they did not want to pursue a relationship with me. I own up to my own shit and carry my own baggage and fuck if I was going to allow him to push his issues of on me with this lame ass "anger" issue bullshit. It was also difficult because I had not spent so much time with a man like that in years. I mean he came over all the time, he interacted with A, he walked Chaos-it was like a real relationship. It took alot for me to be able to let my barriers down and let him in. To have him blow it off with a text message telling me I was angry just sent me over the edge. I called in the next day and stayed home and slept and read and felt sorry for myself. I texted him wednesday and told him how hard it had been to allow man that kind of intimacy and how low he was to break up with me in a fucking text message. I pointed out to him that when I had issues I always discussed them with him, in an email, by phone and face to face and that he owed me the same in return. All he kept doing is sending me text messaes saying he apologized. Sorry does not mean shit to me, it never has, fix it, don't apologize for it. Finally on thursday I called him and the chicken shit actually answered the phone. I cried, I bitched, I gave him a severe dressing down. Finally I pointed out to him that I was not "angry", I was aggressive. I hate that women who are not afraid to be themselves and ask for what they need are considered angry bitches. If I was a man I would successful, as a woman I am angry. I pointed out to him that I did not have road rage, get into it in grocery stores, restaurants, at work or with neighbors. Angry people usually have multiple confrontations-even they are only verbal. I asked him to name a time I was angry and he said I was angry with A. The truth is he does not approve of how I parent. Most people without kids think they know dick about parenting. The truth is I am a parent and I struggle, how the hell is a non-parent going to know ANYTHING. He basically was sheltered and had some trauma from his dad divorcing his mom and his step-dad being an alcoholic. In all honesty I think he suffers from major depression. I think that is why he is so odd and has the problems he has. I also challenged on some of his "knowledge". He does not think much of his looks, but he does think he is very smart and I think it was a given in his marriage and probably most of his relationships that he was the brains of the operation. I know without a doubt that I am ever bit as intelligent as him and I think he felt insecure about that. Either way, after our discussion and me calling him on bullshit I think he felt worse, but I sure felt better. When he first dumped me by text with the whole "I hope you find what you are looking for" bullshit-that is totally inappropriate for the depth of our relationship. I told him that Karma was a bitch and I hoped that when he secured his baggage and was ready for the real thing he met someone just like him, LOL! Who am I kidding, he will never secure his baggage because it is easier for him to find fault with others than to see his own part in it. I did point out to him that the only thing his wife and I had in common was him and that it was my experience that when you found the same thing with every person you were with-it is you and not them. He somewhat agreed. He just seemed so disconnected, it was weird. Not even 72 hours previously he was so in love with me and I was so perfect, etc, etc, etc. You would think, wouldn't you, that after him I would learn to listen to my instincts-sadly that is NOT the case.
Which brings me to my lastest fiasco. Friday, after a rough week at work and dealing with the M thing-I nicely discuss with A that she has got to do better. Complete and turn in her homework, get up on her own in the morning, help around the house, etc, etc. I found out she had skipped a class and put her on semi-punishment. I let her know exactly what I expected and that after she did what she needed to she could earn her privledges each day. I was talking I on the phone when she tells me she needs to talk to me. She wants to run away and wants me to just let her go. She was not crying or upset, but I was just like what the fuck, you have got to be kidding me. I aksed her what she thought would be different someplace else-everywhere you go people will have expectations of you and often you will not to do what is expected. I also pointed out that another mouth to feed was expensive and what made her think any of her friends parents would be able and willing to afford raising her. I asked what was so awful about living here. She said it was not me she just needed to get away. So, I called my mom who agreed to keep her for the weekend. I had to work and could not handle her being home alone and possibly running away while I was at work. I also was angry with her for using running away against me. It makes me hesitate to punish her because I am always afraid I will come home and she will be gone. She has had such a sheltered life and I do not think she has any idea of what it would be like to be a 15 year old making her own way in the world. I am hardly a model parent and no where near mom of the year, but she has not had a bad life and I think she owes me more than this. It turned out to be a good thing she went to my mom's. I had a much needed break and she decided home was not so bad after all. She kept pushing me to pick her up and she was ready to come home now. I did not pick her up until 9pm and told her I needed some time to myself and she would just have to lie in the bed she made for herself:)
Anyway, friday after my mom picked her up, I was hurt and vulnerable and a guy I had been talking to online-another M, we'll call him Ma called me. We got to talking about 11 pm he talks me into coming over. I agree, because I was just that vulnerable and just that needy. Anyway, he gave me a message-he has had professional training-sucked my toes and we ended up having sex. Really good sex. His dick was quite large-both length and width and he was good with positions-I really needed that. Anyway, he now wants us to be together, stop dating other people, etc. He is also high maintaince-if I do not respond immediately to his text I am too busy or with someone else. His suspicion of me confirms that he is likely a cheater-people who do not cheat usually are not as possesive. He also has some self-esteem issues. In him I saw a mirror of myself-dating man after man after man-desperate to no longer be alone. I kind of figured he could just be my fuck buddy-I had already decided after M to take a break from serious dating and just have some fun. However, when I was so busy at work and not returning his texts in a timely manner he coped an attitude. He also flew off the handle when I said I did not date men for their physical looks but for their personality. He said, "well, lots of women want to be with me so do not be dating me out of pity." I explained that beauty is only skin deep and a man who's personality I am attracted to I am usually attracted to physically. Physical alone is not enough to keep or even interest me. Anyway, he kind of calmed down after that. He also is big time into the church-though he apparently does not believe in waiting until marriage for intimacy-and is very concerned about me being Buddhist. I explained Buddhism to him and let him know that I would go to church with him if he liked but that I would NEVER be a christian-it is not for me. Anyway, he came back over sunday night and we had sex before I went to pick up A. The sex was not that good the second time and he is so big it hurt. Plus he kept pushing me to take my ad off of the free dating site-to appease him I put up that I was taking a break from dating-but he said that did not mean anything and he wanted me to put that I had met a man, etc. Now, mind you he has not changed his ad-but he claims he does not have access to change his, but he does have access to view mine. LOL, men! Well, he does not know it yet, but I have seen him for the last time. I am going to casually date and may go see C again-he and have been exchanging emails since we stopped dating and he has expressed how much he misses me. I may see him everyother week or so on his terms and continue to date-but not as seriously.
So, that is my love life month to date:)
My life has changed since then-in a very real and concrete way.
In some ways it is better, in some ways it is worse-either way such is life. I am not ready to talk about that change on here so instead I am going to focus on dating......
I started this year off dating B. B was not my type at all, but was very good looking and simple and probably the closest I have ever come to dating a "thug". He was also a stoner and a loser who lived with his mom. He was the largest man I was ever intimate with and it was really nice. I am usually the same height-if not taller-than the men I date. I never realized how feminine I would feel with a larger man. He was also the dumbest man I ever dated-that was rough. He was a real game player and it got old fast. However, he was the first man I had slept with in a very long time and I think my dating confidence was lacking because of it. So, I guess I can say that he got me back interested in the dating "game".
After B-this summer-I put an ad on a free dating site.
In the spring, after B-I had an epiphany-that I would be happier if I had an adult relationship-it would make the other hum drum aspects of my life more acceptable. I wanted someone that was invested in my life and who's life I could invest in as well. I also decided that I wanted to be married by the time I was 35. Not sure why 35 seemed like the right age, but it did at the time. As I was already 33.5, I only had 1.5 years to meet, fall in love with and marry the man of my dreams. What WAS I thinking? I was thinking that it seemed so easy for everyone around me. What was it that I lacked that kept me from being successful in a long term relationship? I am 33 and the longest adult relationship I have ever had lasted just under 3 years. I always said that I met the wrong men or picked the wrong men or there were no single men out there, etc. Whatever the case may be, whatever my underlying issues, I wanted this elusive "couple" status that everyone around me seemed to be able to manage with such ease-even through break ups and divorces, they all met someone else, only I remained single. I knew of women less attractive, less intelligent and with a lot less to offer living with/married to decent guys-so I had to be doing something wrong. So, I decided to get back out there and keep trying until I got it right!
I started talking to lots of men who all said I was beautiful-lol! I had the usual online dating site experience-lots of email exchanges, even some phone calls, but nothing that went anywhere. The first guy I actually met in person was J. J was a few years younger than me and reminded me of a puppy-eager but friendly. He was also, as it turned out not without some rather hefty baggage himself. I have discovered that emotionally crippled men flock to me. Anyway, J was sweet and attentive and we had a few dates. He had self esteem issues, but I figured it must be difficult to hit on women-even online-and that as we dated he would feel less nervous. I did not feel nervous about him at all. He was pushing me for sex from the first date and I was holding him. I was not ready to be that intimate with him-his kisses were too slobbery, it just was too soon. Well, after about a month I decided ok, tonight's the night. Everything was going ok-he was somewhat over-eager, slightly rough and not that open to listening to what I liked. However, his true gifts were his oral skills-wow! He had told me he had a small penis and he did. Actually, I would have said under-developed. Usually a man that lacks length makes up for it with width, sadly that was not the case with J and was not doubt why his oral skills were so on point. Anyway, as it gets to be time to go further he freaks out. I mean he literally sits up in bed, covers his face and starts shrieking, "I can't do this, it's not going to work, etc, etc." I have to admit that I was shocked and somewhat disgusted. However, I tried to be nice, told him it was no big deal, went down on him told him it was probably just performance anxiety, etc, etc, etc. What I really wanted was for him to leave right then, but he stayed and seemed to calm down. The next day we spent the whole day together and I was thinking that he might be worth the sex issues. After all, I do like to explore sexually and he was attentive and I really, really, really wanted a boyfriend! Anyway, he would not return my calls for a week. We had agreed previous to the sex to stop dating others and I had modified my ad appropriately. Well, I am trying to work with him-thinking he just felt embarassed. I guess that a woman had never tried to work with him before because he became very different. He got snippy and we started arguing alot. I would tell him to leave me alone, than he would apologize and say how mortified he was about the almost sex and how he had low self-esteem because he was fat and ugly, etc, etc, etc. The long and short of it is I tried to work with him about 3 weeks? I never saw him again after the one sad almost sexual encounter. He would beg me to give him another chance, we would make arrangements to see eachother-then he would say he had to work, or was sick or was too tired, etc etc. Finally enough, was enough and I stopped even engaging in conversation with him. He seemed to feel like I was so "into" him that he could treat me like girls had always treated him. Poor fool, tricks are for kids. Once I realized that he was just using me to boost his self-esteem issues, I told him how I really felt about him. I figured that would be the last I heard from him, but nope, he continues to text me even to this day.
The weekend after I decided enough was enough with J, I met C. C was an older man-56-who was single-never married, no kids, lived in canada and was just so sweet and nice. We exchanged emails for weeks before I met him. In a first for me, I actually went to him, rather than having him come to me. Mostly because he had a boat and I thought it would be fun to go out on the boat. It was. He was a perfect gentleman and I have to say I have never had a better first date. His house was nice and neat, his boat was small but fun and instead of going out to dinner we ordered a pizza and went back out on the boat to watch the sun set. It was amazing. I think I fell in like with him right then and there. He did not seem to like me that much, he was perfect gentlemen but seemed distant. I sent him an email to that effect and he said nothing was further from the truth he just did not want to scare me since I had come to his house. We got together every weekend after that for a wonderful time on his boat. I really liked him. He was quiet, laid back, seemed sure of himself and was very attracted to me. I felt beautiful and wanted and safe with him. However, I knew in the little niggling part of my brain that he was 56 and never married because he had either committment or intimacy issues or both. Well, I think our 5th week I tried to get him to come to my side of the border since the weather was supposed to be too bad to go out on the boat. He did not want to. I called him on it. I said that my ad was very specific about what I was looking for and how were we going to have a relationship if it always depended on me coming to him? I had to find someone to keep my kid and someone to come and walk the dog. He had only himself. He sent me a long email about how he could not give me what I wanted, he had thought he could but now relaized he could not. He said that the age difference came into play-he just wanted to go home after work and chill, not cross the border, etc. I called him on his bullshit. It was not his age or not wanting to cross the border-as he saw multiple baseball games this side of the border and I am only maybe 20 mins away from there. Surely I am worth a baseball game? No, the real issue was that he was afraid or insecure or whatever. It had nothing to do with age or distance-after all he hit on me and charmed me into dating someone only 3 years younger than my father. I should have known better, like I said, he was not 56 and single for no reason. However, it hurt, it hurt my feelings alot. I liked him and really enjoyed spending time with him. I was sorry to see him go but unwilling to settle for what he could give me. I was also kinda pissed at him for wasting my time.
The weekend after my last weekend with C, I met another canadian-M. M reminds me quite abit of Thomas-only less annoying. he was a "geek" and we liked alot of the same shows and movies. He was also very recently separated. In fact, on our first date he had on his wedding ring-it was on his right instead of left hand but it was still weird. Anyway, we met at a bookstore in downtown RO talked for along time and then went to lunch. After lunch I surprised myself by inviting him back to the house. Br came over and she, I, A and M all watched movies and ordered pizza. He gave me a hug when he left but that was about all. I think I heard from him everyday after that-both by phone and by email. He was coming over several times a week-almost every other day. I was kind of annoyed with him. I was also on guard because he was so recently separated from his wife-60 days. He said that they had decided to split 18 months ago but had to live together until the house sold because niether of them had the money to get their own place and pay half of the bills for the house. I believe him, but I still felt he was rebounding with me and I was trying to be on guard. We were really more friends than anything else. I was ok with that until one night he took it further. I never even tried penetration with C-we just fooled around doing everything but. I had planned on that with M but he seemed to really want penetration. I was ok with it, but he was unable to maintain an erection. Just my luck, huh? Anyway, he admitted that night that he had the same problem with his wife, that he had a low sex drive-only was horny maybe 2 times a month-and that he thought it was just his wife and would be different with me. After that night, even when he stayed over I was careful not to allow intimacy beyond kissing. For many reasons-the main one being I did not think he was over his wife and I somehow thought not allowing sex play would protect my feelings. Sadly that was not the case either. I finally did let him know I felt and we talked about it. He said that he had always had a difficult time maintaining an erection-ever since he had started having sex and that he often masturbated and came without a full erection. When he and his wife were trying to get pregnant he had a full medical work up and the dr's found no physical reason for him to be unable to maintain an erection. So, basically it was emotional. He was an only child and kind of intense and closed about more things than I am, for sure. I think he thinks there is a right and wrong way for things to be done and has a limited ability to see the shades of grey. I feel like all I see are shades of grey:) Anyway, our conversation lowered my inhibitions but raised his. I decided to look on his sexual issue as something that we could work through with support. He claimed to be in love with me after like our second week of dating. After our talk, I bought him a cock ring, figuring it would help him to maintain an erection. In hindsight, I think that is what ended our relationship. I think he would still say it was me and I still believe it is heavily influenced by the recent end of his marriage. Anyway, his wife called him at midnight monday? while he was lying naked in my bed-after the cock ring had failed-and after he got off of the phone with her he asked me if he should leave. I said ok. I guess he took it as me breaking up with him. I did tell him at the door that I did not think he was finished with his wife-but I had been saying that since our first date. Anyway, like a day later he breaks up with me in a text message saying I have anger issues. Boy did that piss me off. I have all kinds of issues and a scary temper, but I am sick unto death of men side stepping the real reason they did not want to pursue a relationship with me. I own up to my own shit and carry my own baggage and fuck if I was going to allow him to push his issues of on me with this lame ass "anger" issue bullshit. It was also difficult because I had not spent so much time with a man like that in years. I mean he came over all the time, he interacted with A, he walked Chaos-it was like a real relationship. It took alot for me to be able to let my barriers down and let him in. To have him blow it off with a text message telling me I was angry just sent me over the edge. I called in the next day and stayed home and slept and read and felt sorry for myself. I texted him wednesday and told him how hard it had been to allow man that kind of intimacy and how low he was to break up with me in a fucking text message. I pointed out to him that when I had issues I always discussed them with him, in an email, by phone and face to face and that he owed me the same in return. All he kept doing is sending me text messaes saying he apologized. Sorry does not mean shit to me, it never has, fix it, don't apologize for it. Finally on thursday I called him and the chicken shit actually answered the phone. I cried, I bitched, I gave him a severe dressing down. Finally I pointed out to him that I was not "angry", I was aggressive. I hate that women who are not afraid to be themselves and ask for what they need are considered angry bitches. If I was a man I would successful, as a woman I am angry. I pointed out to him that I did not have road rage, get into it in grocery stores, restaurants, at work or with neighbors. Angry people usually have multiple confrontations-even they are only verbal. I asked him to name a time I was angry and he said I was angry with A. The truth is he does not approve of how I parent. Most people without kids think they know dick about parenting. The truth is I am a parent and I struggle, how the hell is a non-parent going to know ANYTHING. He basically was sheltered and had some trauma from his dad divorcing his mom and his step-dad being an alcoholic. In all honesty I think he suffers from major depression. I think that is why he is so odd and has the problems he has. I also challenged on some of his "knowledge". He does not think much of his looks, but he does think he is very smart and I think it was a given in his marriage and probably most of his relationships that he was the brains of the operation. I know without a doubt that I am ever bit as intelligent as him and I think he felt insecure about that. Either way, after our discussion and me calling him on bullshit I think he felt worse, but I sure felt better. When he first dumped me by text with the whole "I hope you find what you are looking for" bullshit-that is totally inappropriate for the depth of our relationship. I told him that Karma was a bitch and I hoped that when he secured his baggage and was ready for the real thing he met someone just like him, LOL! Who am I kidding, he will never secure his baggage because it is easier for him to find fault with others than to see his own part in it. I did point out to him that the only thing his wife and I had in common was him and that it was my experience that when you found the same thing with every person you were with-it is you and not them. He somewhat agreed. He just seemed so disconnected, it was weird. Not even 72 hours previously he was so in love with me and I was so perfect, etc, etc, etc. You would think, wouldn't you, that after him I would learn to listen to my instincts-sadly that is NOT the case.
Which brings me to my lastest fiasco. Friday, after a rough week at work and dealing with the M thing-I nicely discuss with A that she has got to do better. Complete and turn in her homework, get up on her own in the morning, help around the house, etc, etc. I found out she had skipped a class and put her on semi-punishment. I let her know exactly what I expected and that after she did what she needed to she could earn her privledges each day. I was talking I on the phone when she tells me she needs to talk to me. She wants to run away and wants me to just let her go. She was not crying or upset, but I was just like what the fuck, you have got to be kidding me. I aksed her what she thought would be different someplace else-everywhere you go people will have expectations of you and often you will not to do what is expected. I also pointed out that another mouth to feed was expensive and what made her think any of her friends parents would be able and willing to afford raising her. I asked what was so awful about living here. She said it was not me she just needed to get away. So, I called my mom who agreed to keep her for the weekend. I had to work and could not handle her being home alone and possibly running away while I was at work. I also was angry with her for using running away against me. It makes me hesitate to punish her because I am always afraid I will come home and she will be gone. She has had such a sheltered life and I do not think she has any idea of what it would be like to be a 15 year old making her own way in the world. I am hardly a model parent and no where near mom of the year, but she has not had a bad life and I think she owes me more than this. It turned out to be a good thing she went to my mom's. I had a much needed break and she decided home was not so bad after all. She kept pushing me to pick her up and she was ready to come home now. I did not pick her up until 9pm and told her I needed some time to myself and she would just have to lie in the bed she made for herself:)
Anyway, friday after my mom picked her up, I was hurt and vulnerable and a guy I had been talking to online-another M, we'll call him Ma called me. We got to talking about 11 pm he talks me into coming over. I agree, because I was just that vulnerable and just that needy. Anyway, he gave me a message-he has had professional training-sucked my toes and we ended up having sex. Really good sex. His dick was quite large-both length and width and he was good with positions-I really needed that. Anyway, he now wants us to be together, stop dating other people, etc. He is also high maintaince-if I do not respond immediately to his text I am too busy or with someone else. His suspicion of me confirms that he is likely a cheater-people who do not cheat usually are not as possesive. He also has some self-esteem issues. In him I saw a mirror of myself-dating man after man after man-desperate to no longer be alone. I kind of figured he could just be my fuck buddy-I had already decided after M to take a break from serious dating and just have some fun. However, when I was so busy at work and not returning his texts in a timely manner he coped an attitude. He also flew off the handle when I said I did not date men for their physical looks but for their personality. He said, "well, lots of women want to be with me so do not be dating me out of pity." I explained that beauty is only skin deep and a man who's personality I am attracted to I am usually attracted to physically. Physical alone is not enough to keep or even interest me. Anyway, he kind of calmed down after that. He also is big time into the church-though he apparently does not believe in waiting until marriage for intimacy-and is very concerned about me being Buddhist. I explained Buddhism to him and let him know that I would go to church with him if he liked but that I would NEVER be a christian-it is not for me. Anyway, he came back over sunday night and we had sex before I went to pick up A. The sex was not that good the second time and he is so big it hurt. Plus he kept pushing me to take my ad off of the free dating site-to appease him I put up that I was taking a break from dating-but he said that did not mean anything and he wanted me to put that I had met a man, etc. Now, mind you he has not changed his ad-but he claims he does not have access to change his, but he does have access to view mine. LOL, men! Well, he does not know it yet, but I have seen him for the last time. I am going to casually date and may go see C again-he and have been exchanging emails since we stopped dating and he has expressed how much he misses me. I may see him everyother week or so on his terms and continue to date-but not as seriously.
So, that is my love life month to date:)
posted by Laileanah at 8:07 PM
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